Are these results really unexpected? Do parents really think that children are not affected by divorce? Or do they justify that they are better off then they would have been if their parents stayed in an unhappy/unhealthy marriage? Or does any of it matter? Will this book keep parents together? Maybe, but probably not.

Every adult is shaped by their childhood, but I wholeheartedly disagree with this author's stance that children are forever victims of their childhood and their parent's divorce. There comes a point in everyone's life, usually before the age of 18, that their life begins to be shaped by their own choices and not what their parents did to them. The studies are very limited and therefore the results and conclusions are flawed and incomplete.

The interviews of the children she references are well documented but she left out so many groups of children of divorce and studied only cases where the children were devastated by their parents divorce. Even that can be argued though, because they were devastated more by the way their parents had failed to protect them after the divorce. Parents parented differently after the divorce and it is unusually more inattentive parenting then before. (because the parent is rebuilding their own life, they often have to work more or go back to school, or are devastated emotionally and don't have anything left to give to the children) I must note here that most of these children took similar paths as children raised in single parent homes where no divorce had ever occurred or they had not been involved with both parents. This leads me to believe that it is not necessarily a result of the divorce but of the parenting, or lack there of. Children with involved, attentive parents (even single parents) are going to do better in life than those without.

The author fails to interview children who have 2, equally involved, cooperative, supportive parents who remain in close geographical distance to each other and raise the children `together' until they are grown. She also fails to interview children who were relieved and freed by their parents divorce. Not that either of these situations is the ideal but they sure weren't given any consideration in the `Unexpected Legacy...25 year landmark study.' The author was quick to conclude that every bump in the road of life was due the divorce of their parents. There is nothing to say that the lives of these children would be dramatically different had their parents stayed together. If you are looking to blame something or someone else for your problems then this book will give you that reason if you hadn't already thought of it yourself.

Children of all backgrounds face a verity of different challenges. This could be poverty, the death of a parent, the deployment of a parent, mental or physical illness of a parent, obesity, alcoholism or drug addictions, unemployment, depression, imprisonment, incompetence, and the list goes on. If you chose to be impaired by your childhood circumstances and not rise above the difficulty then that is where you will stay.

All in all, the book was easy to read and contained useful information. It kept my interest even though it lacked many other perspectives. It was written with good intent and delivered a strong message that divorce damages children. It makes divorce appear an unattractive alternative (as it should be in most cases) but did not condemn it in all cases either. At no point did this book make reference to religion or how faith or beliefs alter thoughts and actions. I liked the longevity of the study but it was in long intervals that these children were interviewed. (5 or more years apart until the 25th year)

I do not think this book warrants the title. The results are hardly unexpected and the study was far from what I would expect of a `landmark' study. I give it a 5, however, because I think the information in it should be considered by parents who are considering divorce, though this should not be your only reference. There was so much missing form this study, yet there is enough here that it is worth the read.

The book might be more effective if it were required reading before a wedding. More thought might go into the preplanning and spouse selection if you had a greater understanding of the possible outcomes of your choices. But who would stop to read a book like this in the midst of buying a dress, ordering flowers and sending out wedding invitations?

This book focuses on the negative results of growing up with divorced parents and although I don't think a book on divorce should have a positive overtone to it, I don't think that this study was broad enough to be objective. Almost all parents should try harder than they do to salvage the marriage, not just for the sake of the children but for the fact that you made a promise. Kids and adults alike realize that someone didn't do what they said they would and it's hard to put trust in a person who doesn't keep their word. Even though most children will always love and remain loyal to both parents they will make judgments in their life about who was wrong or right in their parents marriage/divorce and usually, in the long run, the relationship with the parent they see as morally wrong will suffer. Ultimately, the parent-child relationship will change after the divorce, no matter what the circumstances, and it's almost never a change for the better.

Are these results really unexpected? Do parents really think that children are not affected by divorce? Or do they justify that they are better off then they would have been if their parents stayed in an unhappy/unhealthy marriage? Or does any of it matter? Will this book keep parents together? Maybe, but probably not.
Every adult is shaped by their childhood, but I wholeheartedly disagree with this author's stance that children are forever victims of their childhood and their parent's divorce. There comes a point in everyone's life, usually before the age of 18, that their life begins to be shaped by their own choices and not what their parents did to them. The studies are very limited and therefore the results and conclusions are flawed and incomplete.
The interviews of the children she references are well documented but she left out so many groups of children of divorce and studied only cases where the children were devastated by their parents divorce. Even that can be argued though, because they were devastated more by the way their parents had failed to protect them after the divorce. Parents parented differently after the divorce and it is unusually more inattentive parenting then before. (because the parent is rebuilding their own life, they often have to work more or go back to school, or are devastated emotionally and don't have anything left to give to the children) I must note here that most of these children took similar paths as children raised in single parent homes where no divorce had ever occurred or they had not been involved with both parents. This leads me to believe that it is not necessarily a result of the divorce but of the parenting, or lack there of. Children with involved, attentive parents (even single parents) are going to do better in life than those without.
The author fails to interview children who have 2, equally involved, cooperative, supportive parents who remain in close geographical distance to each other and raise the children `together' until they are grown. She also fails to interview children who were relieved and freed by their parents divorce. Not that either of these situations is the ideal but they sure weren't given any consideration in the `Unexpected Legacy...25 year landmark study.' The author was quick to conclude that every bump in the road of life was due the divorce of their parents. There is nothing to say that the lives of these children would be dramatically different had their parents stayed together. If you are looking to blame something or someone else for your problems then this book will give you that reason if you hadn't already thought of it yourself.
Children of all backgrounds face a verity of different challenges. This could be poverty, the death of a parent, the deployment of a parent, mental or physical illness of a parent, obesity, alcoholism or drug addictions, unemployment, depression, imprisonment, incompetence, and the list goes on. If you chose to be impaired by your childhood circumstances and not rise above the difficulty then that is where you will stay.
All in all, the book was easy to read and contained useful information. It kept my interest even though it lacked many other perspectives. It was written with good intent and delivered a strong message that divorce damages children. It makes divorce appear an unattractive alternative (as it should be in most cases) but did not condemn it in all cases either. At no point did this book make reference to religion or how faith or beliefs alter thoughts and actions. I liked the longevity of the study but it was in long intervals that these children were interviewed. (5 or more years apart until the 25th year)
I do not think this book warrants the title. The results are hardly unexpected and the study was far from what I would expect of a `landmark' study. I give it a 5, however, because I think the information in it should be considered by parents who are considering divorce, though this should not be your only reference. There was so much missing form this study, yet there is enough here that it is worth the read.
The book might be more effective if it were required reading before a wedding. More thought might go into the preplanning and spouse selection if you had a greater understanding of the possible outcomes of your choices. But who would stop to read a book like this in the midst of buying a dress, ordering flowers and sending out wedding invitations?
This book focuses on the negative results of growing up with divorced parents and although I don't think a book on divorce should have a positive overtone to it, I don't think that this study was broad enough to be objective. Almost all parents should try harder than they do to salvage the marriage, not just for the sake of the children but for the fact that you made a promise. Kids and adults alike realize that someone didn't do what they said they would and it's hard to put trust in a person who doesn't keep their word. Even though most children will always love and remain loyal to both parents they will make judgments in their life about who was wrong or right in their parents marriage/divorce and usually, in the long run, the relationship with the parent they see as morally wrong will suffer. Ultimately, the parent-child relationship will change after the divorce, not matter what the circumstances, and it's almost never a change for the better.

this book provides an excellent examination of some of the ways in which divorce affects children whose parents have divorced. it provides outstanding longitudinal data over, is it 25 years, for many people. the text goes into great detail on the authors' observations and descriptions of individuals' developmental struggles. it is acknowledged by the authors that development can be challenging for all children, whether parents are happily married, whether they are bitterly married, or they divorce. most of the text discusses perhaps half dozen of the dozens of children included in the study. while a fascinating qualitative text, i yearn for more hard data comparing all children, those whose parents remained married, and those whose parent divorced. i also wish that the text would have elaborated upon, or even mentioned, the other dozens of children not discussed. the authors cite that economic struggles plague many families of divorce. the effects of economics on problems developed by the children, while difficult to isolate, should have, at least, been mentioned. overall, the conclusions reached are logical, consistent with the findings throughout the text, and (perhaps most importantly :)) they are consistent with my beliefs. overall, this is an excellent qualitative book that describes the authors' impressions of the effects of divorce on select children.

What a great book! I love that the study was done over 25 years and that children of divorce were measured against functional and dysfunctional intact families. I totally recommend this read. It is an immense help to read of others who understand what a child of divorce experiences, especially when people who haven't experienced it can't seem to put themselves in the shoes of those who have.

As for the business side, the book came in decent timee, but I do not remember ordering a used, but rather a new, book. I read one or two other reviews that mentioned this particular book seller (not Amazon, but rather BORDEBOOK) did not coordinate their available product to the order particulars in regards to CONDITION of the book.

If you are going to buy from BORDEBOOK, I recommend that you buy those items whose condition you will not care too much about. If you are particular about product condition, you will either have to order from someplace else, or just learn to overlook the condition of what you receive. The book was valuable enough to me to lump the condition. I will probably buy a second copy, just not from BORDEBOOK.

This is the best research and factual information regarding the effects of Divorce on children who are natural psychological victims of their parents'Divorce. Unfortunately, well meaning parents are fairly helpless to alleviate the problems Divorce creates for their children. Many books talk about Divorce in a different light in terms of the effects, this book clearly states the consequences to children, many of which I have seen in my 30years plus as a psychotherapist in Denver, Colorado. Divorce creates many negative effects for children that remain with them for all of their lives.

This is an invaluable study, simultaneously profound and deeply disturbing. Researchers/authors Wallerstein, Lewis, and Blakeslee describe a quarter century societal shift of monumental proportions. By the year 2000, 25% of adults under the age of 44 were children of divorce. By and large, however, society had chosen to ignore the elephant in the room of the long term impact of divorce on children. Instead, we comforted ourselves with "myths":
* "The first holds that if parents are happier the children will be happier, too....many adults who are trapped in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content. They don't care if Mom and Dad sleep in different beds as long as the family is together....Children in postdivorce families do not, on the whole, look happier, healthier, or more well adjusted even if one or both parents are happier....children from divorced and remarried families are more aggressive toward their parents and teachers. They experience more depression....more learning difficulties...more problems with peers....two to three times more likely to be referred for psychological help at school....More of them end up in mental health clinics and hospital settings. There is earlier sexual activity, more children born out of wedlock, less marriage, and more divorce. Numerous studies show that adult children of divorce have more psychological problems than those raised in intact marriages....the myth that children always benefit from divorce that makes parents happier...continues to exert subtle, unconscious influences" (p. xxiii)
* "A second myth is based on the premise that divorce is a temporary crisis that exerts its most harmful effects on parents and children at the time of the breakup. Adult children of divorce are telling us loud and clear that their parent' anger at the time of the breakup is not what matters most. Unless there was violence or abuse or unremitting high conflict, they have dim memories of what transpired during this supposedly critical period" (p. xxv).

The author clearly demonstrates (to her own surprise) that divorce is always and permanently harmful to children. She still thinks that couples sometimes need to divorce, but her studies demonstrate that children from divorced parents will always be handicapped by the divorce, sometimes in surprising ways.



Some of the reviewers are angered over this because for whatever reason they have had to come to terms with a divorce- either their own or their parents. Divorce is like chopping off a hand of your child. Yes, sometimes it is the only option or the best option, but your child is still permanently damaged. Your child can compensate and lead a good and happy life, but it will never be the same as if you had not chopped off her hand.



It does no one any good to deny the consequences of divorce. Sometimes it must still happen, but it always and permanently damages the children. It doesn't help to deny the truth because you don't want people to feel guilty.

The author clearly demonstrates (to her own surprise) that divorce is always and permanently harmful to children. She still thinks that couples sometimes need to divorce, but her studies demonstrate that children from divorced parents will always be handicapped by the divorce, sometimes in surprising ways.

Some of the reviewers are angered over this because for whatever reason they have had to come to terms with a divorce- either their own or their parents. Divorce is like chopping off a hand of your child. Yes, sometimes it is the only option or the best option, but your child is still permanently damaged. Your child can compensate and lead a good and happy life, but it will never be the same as if you had not chopped off her hand.

It does no one any good to deny the consequences of divorce. Sometimes it must still happen, but it always and permanently damages the children. It doesn't help to deny the truth because you don't want people to feel guilty.

The author clearly demonstrates (to her own surprise) that divorce is always and permanently harmful to children. She still thinks that couples sometimes need to divorce, but her studies demonstrate that children from divorced parents will always be handicapped by the divorce, sometimes in surprising ways.

Some of the reviewers are angered over this because for whatever reason they have had to come to terms with a divorce- either their own or their parents. Divorce is like chopping off a hand of your child. Yes, sometimes it is the only option or the best option, but your child is still permanently damaged. Your child can compensate and lead a good and happy life, but it will never be the same as if you had not chopped off her hand.

It does no one any good to deny the consequences of divorce. Sometimes it must still happen, but it always and permanently damages the children. It doesn't help to deny the truth because you don't want people to feel guilty.

This book was given to me by a friend about a year after my divorce in 2003. A little background about myself and my username: I am indeed a "mister mom" working full time while raising my son by myself, and as a male who is a full-time single parent, I am obviously in the minority. I am also an evangelical Christian. As such, I am not a proponent of divorce and in many cases I believe it represents the selfishness of one or both parents and every effort should be made to salvage the marriage rather than just trade it in for a new one. This is even more important when there are children involved. In my case, however, my spouse had a mental illness (borderline personality disorder) and I believe the divorce was probably the best resolution of what was a very bad situation. It was her decision to leave. However, I was still very saddened that my son is not growing up with the benefit of a conventional, nuclear family, or with a larger female influence in his life. In today's "PC" climate we're led to believe that one loving parent, or two parents of the same gender, can do just as good a job as the conventional male/female parent model that has been in place for millenia. I strongly disagree. Nor do I agree with those who think that divorce itself is somewhat benign, and the problem lies more with the way parents handle it than in the divorce itself. Certain things are traumatic for children, regardless of how civil the parents try to be about it. Even though my son seems well-adjusted, I know there are wounds - some of which may not surface until he is much older. I believe that countless studies support my conclusions. As such, I am deeply skeptical of most "divorce" books because they seek to put a happy face on a situation that rarely has an upside, and are often little more than adults trying to put a positive spin on something the kids inherently know is a bad thing at the core of their being.

So it was with some hesitation that I opened this book that was written by Ms. Wallerstein, a former lecturer at UC Berkeley. I assumed first of all that someone who lectured at the mecca of American liberalism would probably be very critical of the traditional family and extol the virtues of no-fault divorce by insisting that if the parents were happy, then the kids would be happy too. I further assumed that the "unexpected" part of the legacy in this book would be that children of divorce end up turning out just about the same as children of conventional families. In other words, that with all the hype about how "bad" divorce was, the study would "surprisingly" find that divorce wasn't all that bad for kids afterall.

To put it simply: I was completely wrong in my assumptions. The "unexpected" part of the book was indeed unexpected - that kids were much more profoundly negatively affected by divorce than we've been led to believe by those who want to treat single families as the new "norm" and suggest that it is merely one in a variety of equally valid parenting alternatives.

Essentially what we have here is a group of individuals that Wallerstein has followed from their own childhoods into their adulthood - to see how they have fared with their own parents' divorces 25 years later.

Elsewhere I have seen the book criticized because it used such a small sample size (only 7 children are detailed in the book). But I think this fails to recognize that Wallerstein actually used a much larger sample size (60 families) and chose to detail only a handful in this book because she felt their stories were "typical."

What Wallerstein found was that the legacy of divorce is more negative than expected - not better - and that in spite of all the lip service paid by courts and advocacy groups, decisions are rarely made with the best interests of children in mind. Wallerstein is especially critical of the idea of "sharing" children back and forth because children are left with the sense that while their parents may have homes, as children they are merely like a set of car keys, passed back and forth, and end up feeling as though they have no place that is distinctly their own. There ends up being no continuity and most decision are made for the convenience of the parents, not the children.

If you are looking for a "feel good" book that will justify that divorce was done "for the sake of the kids" this isn't your book. It simply lets the data speak for itself: children do not fare better under divorce. Yes, they can turn out OK - and that is certainly the objective with my own son - but it takes considerable work because the lack of two parents in and of itself is a huge handicap for children. Indeed, divorce is much harder than the death of a parent because the child is forced to deal with parents who cannot love one another and remain committed, and it affects their own views of marriage, commitment, and love. Many times these problems do not surface until the grown children enter into their own relationships or marriages.

I found the book fascinating, scholarly, and meticulously researched and documented. The fact that it does not draw upon any particular religious beliefs or traditions for its conclusions and does not engage in moralizing should make the message that much stronger.

If you are considering a divorce "for the sake of the children" you would be wise to read this book first. If you are already divorced, you will likewise find this book helpful as you structure visitation and other aspects of shared parenting responsibilities.

This book was given to me by a friend about a year after my divorce in 2003. A little background about myself and my username: I am indeed a "mister mom" working full time while raising my son by myself, and as a male who is a full-time single parent, I am obviously in the minority. I am also an evangelical Christian. As such, I am not a proponent of divorce and in many cases I believe it represents the selfishness of one or both parents and every effort should be made to salvage the marriage rather than just trade it in for a new one. This is even more important when there are children involved. In my case, however, my spouse had a mental illness (borderline personality disorder) and I believe the divorce was probably the best resolution of what was a very bad situation. It was her decision to leave. However, I was still very saddened that my son is not growing up with the benefit of a conventional, nuclear family, or with a larger female influence in his life. In today's "PC" climate we're led to believe that one loving parent, or two parents of the same gender, can do just as good a job as the conventional male/female parent model that has been in place for millenia. I strongly disagree. Nor do I agree with those who think that divorce itself is somewhat benign, and the problem lies more with the way parents handle it than in the divorce itself. Certain things are traumatic for children, regardless of how civil the parents try to be about it. Even though my son seems well-adjusted, I know there are wounds - some of which may not surface until he is much older. I believe that countless studies support my conclusions. As such, I am deeply skeptical of most "divorce" books because they seek to put a happy face on a situation that rarely has an upside, and are often little more than adults trying to put a positive spin on something the kids inherently know is a bad thing at the core of their being.

So it was with some hesitation that I opened this book that was written by Ms. Wallerstein, a former lecturer at UC Berkeley. I assumed first of all that someone who lectured at the mecca of American liberalism would probably be very critical of the traditional family and extol the virtues of no-fault divorce by insisting that if the parents were happy, then the kids would be happy too. I further assumed that the "unexpected" part of the legacy in this book would be that children of divorce end up turning out just about the same as children of conventional families. In other words, that with all the hype about how "bad" divorce was, the study would "surprisingly" find that divorce wasn't all that bad for kids afterall.

To put it simply: I was completely wrong in my assumptions. The "unexpected" part of the book was indeed unexpected - that kids were much more profoundly negatively affected by divorce than we've been led to believe by those who want to treat single families as the new "norm" and suggest that it is merely one in a variety of equally valid parenting alternatives.

Essentially what we have here is a group of individuals that Wallerstein has followed from their own childhoods into their adulthood - to see how they have fared with their own parents' divorces 25 years later.

Elsewhere I have seen the book criticized because it used such a small sample size (only 7 children are detailed in the book). But I think this fails to recognize that Wallerstein actually used a much larger sample size (60 families) and chose to detail only a handful in this book because she felt their stories were "typical."

What Wallerstein found was that the legacy of divorce is more negative than expected - not better - and that in spite of all the lip service paid by courts and advocacy groups, decisions are rarely made with the best interests of children in mind. Wallerstein is especially critical of the idea of "sharing" children back and forth because children are left with the sense that while their parents may have homes, as children they are merely like a set of car keys, passed back and forth, and end up feeling as though they have no place that is distinctly their own. There ends up being no continuity and most decision are made for the convenience of the parents, not the children.

If you are looking for a "feel good" book that will justify that divorce was done "for the sake of the kids" this isn't your book. It simply lets the data speak for itself: children do not fare better under divorce. Yes, they can turn out OK - and that is certainly the objective with my own son - but it takes considerable work because the lack of two parents in and of itself is a huge handicap for children. Indeed, divorce is much harder than the death of a parent because the child is forced to deal with parents who cannot love one another and remain committed, and it affects their own views of marriage, commitment, and love. Many times these problems do not surface until the grown children enter into their own relationships or marriages.

I found the book fascinating, scholarly, and meticulously researched and documented. The fact that it does not draw upon any particular religious beliefs or traditions for its conclusions and does not engage in moralizing should make the message that much stronger.

If you are considering a divorce "for the sake of the children" you would be wise to read this book first. If you are already divorced, you will likewise find this book helpful as you structure visitation and other aspects of shared parenting responsibilities.

This book is a poisonous but convincingly well written attack on divorce. It's conclusions --- that divorce pretty much always destroys the children --- kept me in a bad marriage many years longer than necessary, and it's conclusions are flawed.

First of all, this is a very small study of people who volunteered to be included, so the families under consideration are far from representative of the population as a whole. (The participants were offered free counseling, so you could argue that Dr. Wallerstein was selecting for the least functional divorces.) Moreover, there's no control group, so it's unclear which of the problems that Wallerstein discusses are actually caused by the divorce and which or are commonplace in society as a whole. (Other studies point to the latter.) She simply assumes that everything bad was caused by the divorce.

This book, however, is an effective indictment of the too-common arrangement, where the mother gets the kids and the father is banished to a four-day-a-month visiting schedule---an arrangement that's almost guaranteed to be bad for the kids. Most of the divorces she discusses work that way. There are other alternatives, however, that are much less destructive, and Wallerstein's book discusses none of these.

I strongly recommend that you read Mavis Heatherington's "For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered" and Constance Ahrons' "The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart," either instead of, or at least as a complement to Wallerstein's book. These books are based on much larger studies, done properly in the sense of looking at a large, randomly selected, group of subjects with control groups in place. They come to very different conclusions than Wallerstein.

This book is a poisonous but convincingly well written attack on divorce. It's conclusions kept me in a bad marriage many years longer than necessary, and it's conclusions are flawed. First of all, this is a very small study of people who volunteered to be included, so the families under consideration are far from representative of the population as a whole. Moreover, there's no control group, so it's unclear which of the problems that Wallerstein discusses are actually caused by the divorce.

On the plus side this book is an effective indictment of the "traditional" arrangement, where the woman gets the kids and the fathers are banished to a four-day-a-month visiting schedule---an arrangement that's almost guaranteed to be bad for the kids. There are other alternatives, however, that are much less destructive, and Wallerstein's book discusses none of these.

I strongly recommend that you read Mavis Heatherington's "For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered" and Constance Ahrons' "The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart," either instead of, or at least as a complement to Wallerstein's book. These books are based on much larger studies, done properly in the sense of looking at a large, randomly selected, group of subjects with control groups in place. They come to very different conclusions than Wallerstein.

On one hand, this book makes useful points and divorce and its impact on children and offers better alternatives.
The problem with it is that most of the evidence is anecdotal. I don't think a lot of the problems the people in the book had were due to divorce, but to the way their parents handled the divorce.
Many of them either leaned on their children too much for support or they went from giving their children attention and affection to ignoring them in favour of work and other mates.
A lot of the problems could have been lessened with more care. Especially in the case of the fellow who had a congenital heart defect. He needed attention and help, he didn't need to be shunted off to the side.
I'm also reading about attachment issues and how they can impact a person from the time they are a baby to an adult.
If a person has to divorce, they should ask themselves if it is the right thing to do and if all other options have been exausted. Forcing people to stay together in a stagnating marriage seems a bit cruel to me, like in the case of the intact family she used as an example.
Also, I do not agree with her stating that children don't notice the tention and fighting in their family. They do. Children notice more than people give them credit for.
Like so many experts she paints with too broad a brush. She uses too many generalizations. It lessens the impact of her argument.
But, a lot of the advice she gives to the system could be used to make divorce easier on parents and children. Divorce isn't going away anytime soon, but, with responsibility and care perhaps it can be easier on children. It is hard for children to adapt to changes. I suggest looking at the advice she offers, but question her methods and conclusions.

I believed that at 46, my healing from my parents divorce when I was 11 was finally resolving. I have 3 brothers that haven't even begun to heal, they continue in the "land of denial" and it was my hope that reading this book would provide me insight into a way to help my brothers begin their healing. What a surprise. My beliefs on divorce have changed. Things I was certain of were either misunderstood or outright wrong. I've never considered any one source a certainty on any subject, yet this book is based on the "only" long-term study ever performed and, therefore, is the definitive book on this subject.

If each person who reads this book, takes one step towards changing/bettering the current methods of America's court system in how it handles living and visitation arrangements for children of divorce, we may actually be able to positively alter the course of America's next generation of children of divorce.

I will be buying four copies of this book (probably on tape or CD), one for each brother and, since I obtained my copy through the library, one for me.

This is a landmark book as it shattered many of the myths of divorce...that children will simply bounce back. Other studies since then have confirmed the impact of divorce on future divorce rates, including the fact that children of divorce are almost twice as likely to divorce themselves.

There are many reviewers who have made completely unjustified claims about the book...but it needs to be made clear that:
*this book does NOT recommend that people stay together during abusive marriages.
* it actually is a pretty well researched book. Longitudinal studies with comparison groups are a pretty valid methodology in social science research, and that is exactly what she has done.
* She actually has statistics to back her study but they are not presented in this book in much detail because this is meant to be a lay book for lay people and not research scientists. She presents case-studies instead to personalize her research.
* much of the latest research on families and divorce has pretty much confirmed what she found.

Later research has also found that most divorces in America are unilateral (usually one partner initiating it); and usually for "soft reasons" such as incompatibility or "growing aprt etc.". Read Linda Waite and Paul Amatos books for further context. People do seem to divorce for selfish reasons, and in the process thay literally destroy the future of the children they chose to bring to this world.

I see so much of what she has written in my daughter's friends who are divorced: the inability to attend birthday parties on weekends because its dad's turn to keep the child and he lives far away; lingering in the school playground for as long as possible in order to avoid going home and bumping into mom's "horrible" boyfriend; cant joing Brownies on Fridays as they need to go to dad's girlfriends house. ..the list goes on and one. and while they seem "normal" and "happy" they are missing out a lot as they are juggling between parents.

It is asset division later on in life that seems so unfair..I have already had one divorced mom break down as she related her fears about how college tuition was going to be funded,because of her ex-husband's new "family:. Divorce does hit children at every stage and the quality of life is just not the same as for children with two parents in the household.

This research and others is preceisely what triggered pro-marriage-anti divorce policies in many states, including Louisiana and Arkansas where "covenenant marriages" offer an alternative. Covenant marriages makes divorce harder to attain EXCEPT in the case of adultery, and abuse, and requires premarital and marriage counseling. Unfortunately, the movement hasnt taken off as people are still not convinced that personal frredom should sometimes be set aside for familial obligations.

This is a landmark book as it shattered many of the myths of divorce...that children will simply bounce back. Other studies since then have confirmed the impact of divorce on future divorce rates, including the fact that children of divorce are almost twice as likely to divorce themselves.

There are many reviewers who have made completely unjustified claims about the book...but it needs to be made clear that:
*this book does NOT recommend that people stay together during abusive marriages.
* it actually is a pretty well researched book. Longitudinal studies with comparison groups are a pretty valid methodology in social science research, and that is exactly what she has done.
* She actually has statistics to back her study but they are not presented in this book in much detail because this is meant to be a lay book for lay people and not research scientists. She presents case-studies instead to personalize her research.
* much of the latest research on families and divorce has pretty much confirmed what she found.

Later research has also found that most divorces in America are unilateral (usually one partner initiating it); and usually for "soft reasons" such as incompatibility or "growing aprt etc.". Read Linda Waite and Paul Amatos books for further context. People do seem to divorce for selfish reasons, and in the process thay literally destroy the future of the children they chose to bring to this world.

I see so much of what she has written in my daughter's friends who are divorced: the inability to attend birthday parties on weekends because its dad's turn to keep the child and he lives far away; lingering in the school playground for as long as possible in order to avoid going home and bumping into mom's "horrible" boyfriend; cant joing Brownies on Fridays as they need to go to dad's girlfriends house. ..the list goes on and one. and while they seem "normal" and "happy" they are missing out a lot as they are juggling between parents.

It is asset division later on in life that seems so unfair..I have already had one divorced mom break down as she related her fears about how college tuition was going to be funded,because of her ex-husband's new "family:. Divorce does hit children at every stage and the quality of life is just not the same as for children with two parents in the household.

This research and others is preceisely what triggered pro-marriage-anti divorce policies in many states, including Louisiana and Arkansas where "covenenant marriages" offer an alternative. Covenant marriages makes divorce harder to attain EXCEPT in the case of adultery, and abuse, and requires premarital and marriage counseling. Unfortunately, the movement hasnt taken off as people are still not convinced that personal frredom should sometimes be set aside for familial obligations.

Hands down the most important book I have read about, well, me. If you are a child of divorce, or a partner of a child of divorce, this is a very important book. You will find yourself madly underlining passages. I was stunned at how much I identified with one of the case studies. I learned not only how my parents' divorce affected my behavior in romantic relationships, but how it affects me daily in the workplace. I also recognized in the case studies several of my ex-girlfriends, who were also children of divorce. If only the book had been published ten years earlier...

Traits you think are unique to you turn out to be common -- this book gives you a better understanding of why you are the way you are. It would also be of interest to people who were not children of divorce who want to better understand their friends, co-workers or partners whose parents are divorced. It is in many ways a manual explaining how you are and why you are that way. And it shows that children of divorce can have successful relationships. Indeed, all said, it is really a very upbeat and uplifting book, because it shows that, while it may take them a little longer, children of divorce eventually work through the issues and end up okay after all.

I agree that, while there are clearly adverse consequences to children of divorce, this is not a book that bashes parents who get divorced. Indeed, the case study with the most messed up kids is about a bad marriage where the parents stayed together.

I should note that, for children of divorce who have spent time (and money) in therapy, reading book may make you angry that your therapist did not know the information in the book or did not tell you that many of your traits are common among children of divorce. After the publication of this book, failure to convey this information to a patient is shameful.

I should also note that the group studied are not very diverse -- this is, by and large, a study of upper-middle class white families in Marin County, California. Hopefully, this will lead to broader studies of families of differing socio-economic status, ethnic backgrounds and in different parts of the country.

For the math inclined, the appendix is fascinating. Lots of statistical information not covered in the text. For example, adult male children of divorce are the least likely to get married, but are the most likely of any group to stay married if they do get married. (So the best strategy for a woman looking for a lasting marriage is to date men whose parents were divorced.)

I am a thirty-nine years old Swiss seriously considering separating (divorcing) from the father of my two boys (yes, I am into cohabitation a fact which would be frown upon in the USA, but is considered perfectly normal in my country). Worried about the impact such a decision would have on my kids I started to read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.
This book was a great help. Contrary to what some said, I didn't feel that Mrs Wallerstein was trying to make me feel guilty, but warning me about the consequences that a divorce can have not only on my kids, but on their father or me as well. She gave me some indications about what to expect, about which mistakes to avoid, on how to prepare and on what to do in case of divorce so as to minimize, if possible, some of the negative impact it will have on our lives.
Divorce is unheard of in my family even though I often wished that my parents had not stayed together when I was an adolescent. It was not because they were unhappy together (a fact I was aware of as a young kid because I remember very well being scared at the time of my father leaving my mom), but because my father started abusing me sexually at age twelve. But that's an old story and what I want is something to help me now.
As mentioned above, I was considering divorce before reading The Unexpected Legacy, but two things made me postponed (not change) such a decision. The first is that my mate had a heart attack. I may be fed up and angry with him, but I am not pissed or selfish enough to wish him dead. The second was reading Wallerstein's book.
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce didn't change my mind about divorce, which I still consider an option, but it made me think and take a good look at the relationship I have with my mate. Yes, he focuses too much on his job, yes he is demanding and so self-centered that I often feel unloved, but he is also a good provider and a good father, plus as far as I know, a faithful husband who doesn't drink. The second decision I took was to start a therapy which will be useful to me whether I stay with my mate or not. This will also help me see what I am doing wrong in this relationship and how to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Thirdly I am preparing myself financially and emotionally anyway, should I ever decide to go ahead and divorce.
But I will stay with my mate should our relationship improve some, even if it means me not being completely "fulfilled". Several years ago, when I decided to have kids, I knew that their happiness would be more important than mine, at least until they reach adulthood....
PS. Like Mrs Wallerstein, I would like to extended my admiration and respect to the divorced pediatrician who takes the plane twice a month to visit his daughter instead of putting her through such an ordeal. Good job Sir.

This book helped me better understand myself and what made me this way. I would recommend this book to anyone going through a divorce with kids or to Children of Divorce

One of the only reviewers who disagrees with this books states below:

"When you have two parents who both love and share in the lives of the kids, most hardly notice whether or not they live in the same house."

Let me just say for the record that, as an extremely sucessful child of a "good divorce," I could not disagree more. The acceptance of such myths is a sad and destructive aspect of a society centered around self-fulfillment and convenience.

I respect the message of "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" but it seems rather odd to call the ramifications of divorce "unexpected." Those of us who have been through the hell of divorce know full well the problems our children face as a result. Staying together for the children is one of the most damaging concepts of all times. The author knows this and does present it in a way that eases my frustration a little bit.
I know many people who have divorced and not one was due to not being ecstatically happy all the time. They fell apart due to abuse, infidelity, and just plain incompatibility.
What I feel matters most for children is for them to feel loved and cared for by their parents. When you have two parents who both love and share in the lives of the kids, most hardly notice whether or not they live in the same house.
When you have a parent who refuses to makes the children a priority, who constantly disappoints, hurts, and replaces the kids, there will be damage, no getting away from it. However, is it better for this type of parent to have daily access to the kids, seemingly with the other parent's approval? I hardly think so and will challenge anyone who differs in opinion.
It is impossible for any of the children of divorce to know if their lives would have been better had their parents stayed married. This is a major flaw in the research. I didn't see any statistics for custody or parental involvement which makes a huge difference. I don't think divorce is the answer for every marital problem but when it happens, you have a responsibility to make your children a priority and alleviate their fears. When you put your own personal interests ahead of the kid's, whether it's divorce or starting a new life afterward, kids will suffer.
I don't like 'studies' like this, they're misleading and potentially damaging.

Having suffered through an unwanted divorce twenty years ago, and having taken on the full responsibility for raising my two children (ages 10 and 13 at the time), "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" was a welcomed book by me and my children.

My children have continued to experience divorce related issues as they have moved into adulthood. Maturity, relationships, marriage, and parenting have been catalysts for the emergence of feelings that were buried and denied. Judith Wallerstein's excellent book provides the context and structure for my adult children to explore and understand their "new" feelings (and behaviors) enabling them to move-on, happier and emotionally healthier.

My children, their spouses, and I have all read "Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." We have and will continue to use the book as a resource in our on-going effort to get closure. We have all come to understand that the feelings and behaviors that are surfacing are not unique but, rather, are quite "normal" for children of divorce. This has been of great comfort for them - allowing them to cleanse the shadows of divorce and move forward with greater confidence that they are not weird.

Wallerstein has conducted a longitudinal research study of divorce dating back to the late 1970's. "Unexpected Legacy" is the third and most recent book based on the study. In previous books, she has studied the effects of divorce, not only on children, as she has in this book, but also on the divorcing parents. All of the books are "must reads" for those who are considering divorce or have divorced.

Over the years, I have had a number of people confide in me that either they or their spouses were considering divorce. My advice has always been to read Wallerstein's series to learn the variety of outcomes that can arise post-divorce and the strategies of those who faired best. Those considering divorce are all well advised to "do their homework."

These books are also a must read for anyone involved in family and/or divorce counseling - religious or secular counselors.

In "Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," the authors address the myth that the children will do fine if the parents are happy - divorced. Children, no matter how amicable and settled the parents are after divorce, suffer greatly. They lose their family, they lose control of their life (to the whims of parents and rules of courts), and they lose their childhood. All of these combine to provide a series of struggles as they move into adulthood and beyond.

Important subject areas covered in this book include:
* The ghosts of childhood - the bottomline after 25 years
* The exploitation of children by divorcing parents
* The development path to adulthood being thrown out of sync
* Pushing a child's real feelings and thoughts underground by being busy
* Children trapped by real feelings and thoughts of the break-up
* Children dealing with the loss of THEIR nuclear family; the family that created them just vanishing - a loss that will be quietly or openly mourned throughout their lives.
* Why children turn on a parent(s) years later
* Children living with and coping with chaos
* Children and low self-esteem
* The missing father or mother after divorce
* Children growing up lonely
* Relationships with the "steps" (step-parents)
* The loss of mom - whether or not she is physically available
* Court ordered visitation and its disruption of a "real" life for the children to make mom and dad complete
* Children of divorce taking the leap in relationships and marriages - the return of the relationship ghost
* The role of an intact family for modeling and shaping children whether their parents marriage is filled with joy, or loveless, or abusive
* Other residues of divorce for children - fear of loss, fear of change, fear that disaster will strike, especially when things are going well
* And the need for all involved in divorce, directly or indirectly, to be educated on all the issues that emanate from the divorce for children over their life as well as in the short term.

This will not be an easy read for many. It was not intended to be. Nevertheless, the journey this book provides will be fruitful.

I recommend this and Wallerstein's other books highly. These are an important books which will not diminish in value over time. These are classics.

This book was incredibly helpful to me as a child of divorce. Wallerstein tells the story of divorce through childrens' eyes using representative case studies from her 25 year research study. The case studies reach back 25 years into the lives of these now adult children of divorce to tell the whole story - how parental discord and divorce effected them as a child, as an adolescent, and now as an adult. Wallerstein's findings rebuff standard myths about divorce (e.g. its better for the kids that parents divorce, adult children should "be over it" already, et cetera) that keep children of divorce from coming to terms with their feelings and experiences. It has also helped me identify areas in my own marriage that may be mimicing my parents' bad example. Adult children and their parents may have a hard time reading passages that strongly resonate with their own experiences. Parents may have a hard time hearing the impact that "benign" divorce can have on their children. Yet, it is an important, perhaps healing book to read if you are open to hearing their stories. Know that this is not judgemental or highly anecdotal like some books, but based on 25 years of empirical evidence. I highly recommend for adult children of divorce AND their parents.

This is by far the best book that I have ever read on the effects of divorce. I am a child of divorce and this book clearly shows that there are millions of other adult progeny that are still hurt and trying to function normally while still being outside the family unit. It is a must read!

In thesis, this ambitious study set out to explore perceptions and experiences of family members, particularly the children, following divorce. Called the 'largest such research project ever undertaken,' it started in 1971 with sixty families of white, middle-class members, married nine years or more and had at least one child.

Based on the Children of Divorce Project, it included five assessments, initial, 18-month, 5 yr., 10 yr., then this '25 Year Landmark Study' but the conclusions are still up in the air. Most of these adults were well educated, with 80% having a B.A. or B.S. college degree and 30% had gone on to receive a grad degree. Forty percent had some college, and 42% had a high school diploma.

A clinical psychologist and specialist on divorce and its after effects on the children, Judith Wallerstein attempted to show how these children who survived the upheaval and turmoil of a divided family often had to raise themselves. Many had to learn about true love for another person can be achieved through trial and error. There will always be failures and successes in every phase of life. Divorce is not the end, sometimes it's a beginning to a better world of freedom where they can find their heart's desires. I've found that for many of us, we never end up marrying our first loves. Why's that? Maybe divorce is the answer.

People who were younger when their parents divorced looked less competent overall 25 yrs. later. This was most notable in girls who had been pre-schoolers and in boys who had been early school age when the divorce occurred. Of those, 60% fall below average in their functioning in social relationships. Some reject their parents when they grow up and refuse contact after they have families of their own.

They regard their parents' divorce as a terrible failure and feel they'll end up doing the same. Many adults stay in unhappy marriages just to avoid a divorce. The proper time to begin helping 'children of divorce' learn how to choose a mate is during mid-adolescence, a time when attitudes toward oneself and relationships with the opposite sex are beginning to gel. This is the time when worries about sex, love, betrayal, and morality take center stage.

At a recent play performance of 'The Lion in Winter' at the Black Box theater, the parents set the worst possible examples for their three sons with plodding and conniving to harm the other. They were prime subjects for divorce but, being Catholic, could only contemplate annulment in their mid years -- as they basically disliked each other and the three grown sons, who wished them dead. Sometimes, it harms the children more to watch such pain and maneuvering by unfaithful and unloving parents.

Teenagers need to see a healthy way to resolve tensions. The question is, can an educational intervention such as this Study replace the learning that occurs naturally over many years within the family?

In the studies for this project, the children took many paths, but all changed in the wake of divorce. Since these youngsters' character and conscience were still being formed during the post-divorce years, the new roles they assumed in the family had profound effects on who they became and on the relationships they established when they reached adulthood.

They will always wonder what motivated their parents' decision to divorce and if they were the cause for it. Sometimes, love dies -- but life goes on in a different form. That is the 'unexpected legacy of divorce'!

Other books (oversize paperbacks) in this series include:
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,
Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce,
Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce, and (following this 25-yr Landmark Study)
What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce (2003)

Wallerstein's central thesis is that despite what adults would like to tell themselves, divorce is *not* a simple, minor, or transitory matter in the life of a child. Divorce is a profound trauma that *forever* alters a child's life, often in ways unexpected. It does not at all lessen the impact that so many children nowadays are from divorced parents, either; as Wallerstein puts it, "children come single file." The divorce is just the beginning. After losing their childhood and family home, the child then has to deal with reduced--often severely reduced--parenting time from the custodial parent, who is devoting energy toward maintaining a home and rebuilding their shattered life and has correspondingly less time to spend with the child. The non-custodial parent's investment in the child often drops to a minimum--every other weekend and a month or so in the summer is no substitute for the time and attention of a live-in father or mother. On top of that, both parents are often dealing with profound emotional pain in the context of a reduced support network and often come to rely on children for support in inappropriate ways.

And the effects of divorce don't end there. In addition to losing the familial home, and (often) being forced to relocate, change schools, make new friends, etc (another traumatic event for children), the child is then often exposed to another series of transitions as one or both parents try out a rotating shuffle of new dating and/or live-in partners. If/when the parents settle on new marital partners, then the child faces yet another transition of trying to integrate the new adult/s (and possibly assorted children) into the new family. The complexity of this process increases logarithmically if stepchildren are involved. Particularly in the case of the non-custodial parent, this often means that parental investment drops still further, as the parent focuses his/her attention on building a new family with the new mate. Even in the case of the custodial parent, parental investment may suffer. Stepparental investment usually cannot substitute for this, for various reasons, not least of which is that from the child's point of view the stepparent is an interloper and imposter stealing the parent's attention from the child and taking the place of the other parent; this is particularly likely to happen if the stepparent attempts to assert authority too soon or in a high-handed way. ("You're not my real dad!" is a valid complaint.) Too often, as the adults involved rebuild their lives, children end up feeling (in Wallerstein's evocative phrase) like "leftovers from a marriage no one wanted."

Problems of adjustment are further exacerbated by rigid joint-custody arrangements which are often negotiated around the needs of the adults and do not take the children's growing and changing life patterns into account, so that children's ability to engage in afterschool activities and cultivate friendships are often curtailed by being rigidly marched off to the other parent without regard for such things as baseball games, birthday parties or practices (one child in this situation complained that she felt like a "second-class citizen"). Parents in this situation are often surprisingly deaf to the children's needs (Wallerstein presents several examples of parents who, when faced with complaints of three, four and five-year-old children, responded with, "Everyone has to make sacrifices and they do too.")

The above all mean that children from divorced parents have substantially different life experiences than children whose parents remained married. These different life experiences lead to effects that do not go away after a minor period of adjustment, but instead profoundly shape the way the child looks at the world, at romantic relationships, at parenthood, and at life in general. Children from divorced families are more likely to feel like nothing in life can be taken for granted, like nothing is ever secure (one of her informants speaks about how, even though she knows it's unrealistic, she feels like she can't ever be happy because she's always afraid that a huge catastrophe is waiting just around the corner to strike her and ruin her life). They are severely unsettled in their search for a mate by a lack of a model for building a lasting romantic relationship; instead they have the feeling that "my parents failed at this--" often multiple times, as they watched their parents try out and reject new lovers "--and therefore I will fail too. Failure is inevitable." Children of divorced parents have a much more difficult time dealing with the inevitable romantic conflict that comes with any relationship and may see very minor marital spats as a prelude to the "inevitable" divorce (so what that they think their marriage is a happy one? So what that they're in love with their spouse? Once upon a time, their parents were happy and in love too, and look how *that* turned out. The process had to have started *somewhere.*)

Although Wallerstein is far from being anti-divorce--her work with children has convinced her that in some marriages, particularly those characterized by physical violence, divorce to save the children is absolutely essential--although tragically enough the child often does not understand this and may miss the violent parent and be angry at the divorcing one--one of her main points is that in non-violent marriages, parents should seriously consider staying together for the sake of the children. What she calls the "trickle-down" theory of happiness--the idea that if the partners are unhappy the children are unhappy, and that if the adults are happy the children will be too--is not true. Children's needs and adult's needs are not identical, and children can be quite happy in a marriage where the partners are bored with each other, unhappy, or even completely miserable. If staying together for the sake of the children is simply not an option, then Wallerstein lays out some suggestions for softening the blow, including trying to minimize change for the child as much as possible--although she points out, this will only lessen the impact. It won't make the effects of divorce go away.

I have two main criticisms of this book, one specific and one personal. First, the specific one. Wallerstein has some very harsh words for the court system when it comes to custodial arrangements, and while I can see her point that the system is far from ideal, I feel that she doesn't give the courts enough credit. The courts take over when the parents involved cannot or will not come to an agreement on their own, usually due to anger at each other. Because of this, the parents are so caught up in their own emotions that they themselves will not put their child's best interests first. It then becomes the role of the courts to "lay the smack down" and force through a deal, but it has to be one that both parents will accept. How is a court supposed to *make* a parent put his or her child's interests first? Sadly, work trumps extracurricular activities--for good reason. Wallerstein also blasts the courts because she claims they make it difficult for parents to speak up for children's interests, since one parent that complains is often accused of harboring anger at the other, but the fact of the matter is, that this is a real problem. Children and custody can be and all too often are turned into weapons against the other parent. As someone once said, "Custody does an even better job than divorce of turning human beings into insects." Pretty often in Wallerstein's own examples, the custodial arrangements could have worked a lot better if either parent was willing to be a little bit more flexible, but sadly, neither of them were. I think it's telling that Wallerstein herself, for all her harsh words for the court system, is unable to offer specific suggestions for reforming things, besides one proposal (a very good one) that parents who seek some custodial rights after a prolonged absence from the child's life should take time to reintroduce themselves first and that some sort of advice should be provided on how to relate to children who have changed considerably since they last knew them. A second proposal--that custodial arrangements should be renegotiated on a year-by-year basis--sounds good, but I am somewhat dubious; if parents were unwilling to put the child's needs first at the time of the initial agreement, I see no particular reason to think they would later on, especially as both of them move on to form new lives with new mates.

The personal criticism is more of a wish: Wallerstein deals with children who were very young at the time of the divorce and who resided with their mothers after custody. I was in my teens during my parents' divorce, and the father had custody. While a great deal of what Wallerstein said resonated with me, I would still have liked to see more about children in my situation. It would seem obvious that near-adult children of divorce would not be affected as strongly, but I'm not at all sure this is true, and I would like to see more about it. Still, this is a *very* useful book for children of divorce, in figuring out what the effects on their lives are and why. Well done, Wallerstein.

This book helped me when I was down after my divorce. I at the time was not only broken by the loss of a marriage I had thought a good one, but was tremendously guilty about the burden I had placed on my children. This book in a sense confirmed my view that ' divorce' is often a selfish act of a parent, or parents taken against the interests of the children.
As I read the book worrying about the long- term consequences for my children, I took a certain encouragement in one kind of example Wallerstein gave. She pointed out that certain children of divorce come away stronger somehow , determined that they will build good families, and not make the mistake their parents made. That of course is my prayer for my children.
In any case this is a very interesting book, the best one I have as yet encountered on the whole subject of the effect of divorce on the children.
I just hope that you will not be one of those who needs to read it for ' practical advice'.

Like many others who have read this book, I always wondered what was wrong with me. I connected with this book and was in tears by the end of the first page. I finally had answers for the reasons that I did so many of the things that I did to sabotage relationships. This is an honest look at how my parents divorce 27 years ago is still affecting me, and my relationships with others.
I agree with other reviews that have stated the demographics of the test group are skewed, but as someone who grew up in this affluent area of California, it made my connection to the book even stronger.
I also agree that not all children are as negatively affected as the book states, but there are always exceptions to the rule, and I think that this book takes a look at how the majority of children are affected.
It may not be the most scientific study on the subject, but it is fabulous in what it does offer. I highly suggest it as a must read for any child of divorce, and as a guide for their parents to help them overcome some of the negative psychological effects of divorce which affect the majority of children.

I stumbled upon this book while doing research for a paper I was writing about the advantages and disadvantages of single parenting. So many people quoted this book that I decided to buy it and read it for myself. It came yesterday and once I opened it, I could not put it down and read the entire thing in one evening. The book has been criticed as unscientific because it only followed about 100 people for the full 25 years of the study. However, I'm 25 now, and I can safely say that the book was right on target with absolutely everything. Wallerstein described her findings of following children from divorced families from the time of divorce through their adulthood - a full 25 years! I never thought I was affected by the divorce of my own parents - just really accepted my reality as quite normal. I identified with each section of the book and was shocked to find myself crying on many pages. Most psychological studies use statistics and questionaires withe check-boxes to compile data. Wallerstein got to actually KNOW each child/adult and was able to share their experiences with the world. Usually, I find "self-help" books to be corny, and not really useful in any way. This book was definitely not a self-help book. It is written with several audiences in mind. Any parent contemplating a divorce should read it. Period. If they do get divorced, they will have a MUCH better understanding of how it might affect their children and will therefore have a basis for mitigating those problems. ALL adult children of divorce shoudl read it. We've got a nation of 20-and30-somethings that are figuring out that they all have strange quirks when it comes to life and relationships, and can't imagine the connection to thier parents. This book goes a long way in explaining those things, and showing several "happy-ending" stories that came from rough starts. Anyone working in the legal profession (lawyers, judges, mediators, spouses) should read it because this book is written mostly for one purpose: to describe how divorce affects the CHILD in the long-term. Despite my own personal experiences, I was surprised to learn how much could be accomplished that benefits children (in the short and long-term) if the people in the legal system just had a deeper understanding of the effects of their actions. Finally, anyone married or seriously invovled with a person whose parents were divorced shoudl read this book to understand "where they're coming from". Only then, when tiny issues and larger issues are recognized, can they be dealt with. As I said, I'm not a particulary troubled person by any means, but this book was helpful beyond what I could have imagined- despite the other great reviews on this site!

I would strongly suggest anyone going through a divorce or anyone being a child of divorce to read this book.

This book offers a sorely needed perspective of the children's. It's for parents who are divorced or considering it, children whose parents are divorced and spouses of children of divorce. Our divorce culture inadvertently places the emphasis on the parents, on their rights and their time with kids, their feelings and their perspectives. Few people are able to understand what the children really feel and go through unless they have been through it themselves.

Here, Wallerstein does a masterful job of describing how divorce affects children both immediately after the divorce and 25 years later based on first-hand accounts. She also compares those children to their neighbors and friends who grew up in intact families. She points out what struggles they have in relationships and life afterward and what they need to mend properly.

A must read for anybody involved with or affected by divorce!

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce is an important book. Using a twenty-five year study the author debunks all of the myths of the divorce culture in which we now live. These lies: that children are resilient and will 'bounce back', that little children don't know what's going on, that when parents are happy their children will be happy, that not fighting in front of children shields them from the effects of divorce, that divorce is a temporary crisis in the child's life, and that as soon as the splitting parents stabalize their lives the children will recover, are demolished point by point.

The author demonstrates, through examples in her case studies, that: very little children experience very big feelings about divorce (including rage and fear), that each lifestage a child goes through causes them to re-live the divorce again in some new way, that divorce causes personal and relationship issues for the children well into adulthood, and that the divorce culture is creating a new generation of people who choose not to marry and risk reliving their parents mistakes.

The author also takes on the important, if uncomfortable, truth that parents do not usually want to do the work of taking on the issues that their divorce creates for their children. Not fighting in front of the children isn't enough. Children need to be given opportunities to express their anger at having their lives torn apart, their homes and friends snatched away, and time with their parents disappear. The author points out that parents are usually more concerned with dealing with their own issues surrounding the divorce, working on new relationships, and rebuilding their personal social lives. The children of divorce are typically left on their own emotionally, sometimes literally. She also addresses the issue of children having to adjust to new step-parents, lovers, and step-siblings.

Th