My mind had a revelation when I read this book. I always assumed about my husband's addiction. Thought I knew what to do and how to do it, and all the while I was getting more frustrated and angrier. Now, I see why and how it is all happening and happened. The traumas, the cycles, the behavior, ...the escaping into this illness and insanity.
I came away with a much better understanding and awareness. In this revelation came MY FIRST STEP towards my own healing and my role in all of it, as the spouse. I can honestly say; reading it helped me to "listen" my husband and be in counseling about the addiction. It isn't about me. I have no control over it. Yes my anger and pain is real...no doscounting that. And in turn, some people may disagree: but I have honesty, and boundaries for myself, and compassion within the boundaries for my husband.

All I have to say is if you are someone who feels they may have a sexual addiction problem or somebody who knows an individual who has a sexual addiction problem, this should be the first book to read! Out of the Shadows is the best source for insight on sexual addiction out there, its the sex addicts "story" so to speak. Addicts, spouses, friends, professionals can ALL benifit from the material outlined here in this book as well! I'll recommend it all day everyday.....

This book has some good information in it. It forces you to take a hard look at yourself as a victim or co-dependant to the addict.

As I am currently in the process of divorcing a sex addict, this book was very insightful for me. It is still very painful to accept, but at least the book sheds insight into how and why this happens.

I purchased this book for my husband shortly after discovering his sexual addiction. He found it spoke to him so profoundly that he insisted I read it as well. It has a lot of information on a difficult topic presented in a way that just makes sense. By the end of the book, I felt real hope for his recovery. We have since purchased numerous other books by this same author.

I've been in and out of therapy for nearly ten years trying to figure out what exactly was going on with me, but I realize now my problem was I was trying to treat my symptoms, like anxiety and depression, instead of the real problem. I read "Out of the Shadows" and was shocked at how accurately it described me and my life, and I realized my addiction has been destroying relationships with people I love and controlling my life for over half of my life. I'm a bit apprehensive about 12-step programs, but I'm fortunate to have a father who has completed the program and believes in it, so I've signed up today and will give it a try. From the book, the strangest thing about recovery is this paradox: you have to admit that you are powerless over your addiction in order to begin separating yourself from it. I had always thought I had to just ignore cravings like I did to quit smoking, or fight tooth-and-nail with willpower. But you have to seek help outside yourself to really get better. It's going to hurt, but not as bad as the fact I've lost forever some relationships I wish I could have back. I won't do that again.

Reading this book has helped me find the path towards the journey to finding the right words to describe what I was going through. As a codependent, you feel isolated, this book will make you feel like you are not going crazy and you are not alone! If you have a partner struggling and in denial, buy two of them and read the book together. Realization is part of the keys towards recovery.

This book is essential for anyone who is struggling with sex addiction. It provides insight and wisdom that helps to unravel the mystery and reduce the shame around compulsive sexual behavior.

This book is sometimes criticized for suggesting that 12-step programs should be a regular part of the addict's recovery. While this may be an issue for some people, I strongly suggest that you not let it deter you from buying the book. The suggestions are merely suggestions, and shouldn't be interpreted as being absolutely essential for one's recovery.

Regardless of whether or not you agree with everything that is suggested, this book will still teach you a great deal about the nature of sexual addiction, and open the door for you to make the changes necessary to rid yourself of this toxic, compulsive behavior and improve your relationships with friends, family, and yourself.

In reading Out of the Shadows Dr.Carnes is very much in favor of a 12 Step program to treat sex and love addiction. In my opinion, this is a disservice to people afflicted with this behavioral problem; I'm one of them. I've been to many SLAA meetings, and know that sitting in a room and listening to other dysfunctional people recite stories is not therapeutic. No feedback from experts is provided, in fact no feedback at all is provided. It's empty words falling on empty ears. Additionally, many of the attendees are addicted to 12-Step programs and go to a different on several times per week. Many attendees have deeper psychological problems than sex addiction and need help that a 12 Step program couldn't possibly provide.

There is no evidence that 12-Step programs work any better than any other type of behavioral intervention. As Dr.Carnes must know, there is much evidence that they don't work at all and that there is an extremely high failure rate for all 12-Step programs. The concept that God will fix it, that you are powerless, that by turning it over to the ever-popular "higher power" will make everything better...I can't believe that a man of Dr.Carnes' education would suggest that ANY behavior or addiction treatment could benefit from such nonsensical concepts. Additionally, calling sex and love addition a disease is inappropriate and untrue. Cancer is a disease. Alcoholism is a disease. Sex and love addiction is a learned, acquired and adopted habit/behavior. While I believe the book offers very real life examples of the damage this behavior can do, it gives false hope to people by suggesting that by starting a 12-Step program, a program with such a long history of lies, deceit and failure, they can change their behavior and their lives.

I realize all meetings aren't the same, but the 12-Steps they're based on are, and there is much evidence to suggest that this method of recovery is, at best, flawed.

My son asked me to buy this book so that we could find a starting place to discuss his sexual addiction. Carnes explains the entire gamut of sexual addictions, from buying pornography to sexually abusing children to violent rape. I understand my son's pain so much better and also see my part in the addiction.

I am in the process of reading this book right now. It is required for the reading of this book for sexual addictions that a person is arrested and thrown in jail. Also, it is required to be read and a report made on the book as to how it helps a person with this kind of addiction.

I am in the process of reading this book right now. It is required for the reading of this book for sexual addictions that a person is arrested and thrown in jail. Also, it is required to be read and a report made on the book as to how it helps a person with this kind of addiction.

Carnes is the undisputed expert in the field of sexual addiction. This ground breaking book first came out in the early 1980's. It has since been revised with the advent of internet sexual addiction. This book is a quick read that helps both the struggling addict and their spouse, to understand the nature of this illness. As a therapist, I often recomend it to my clients who are just beginning to wrestle with the idea that they may need help for their own compulsive sexual behaviors.

this is required reading for any person who suffers from sex or love addiction.

I - we have not finished reading this book. It is a difficult subject to delve into. But, I would highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in the subject of sexual addiction - I rather say "compulsion" so I can discuss the subject with my teen-age children ... they will run from the term "addict". It covers the full gambit. I feel every parent, and in fact adult should read this book. I had no idea that this could happen and how it happens. I knew sexual addition was "out there" but not in just about every person's back yard. Because of the internet, this is possible in every household in America that has access to a computer. It is THE hidden epidemic because of the subject - sex - that is associated with it. Persons involved don't talk about it because it is an "alone" activity. And the family members don't talk about it because of the shame .... the spouse/partner feels they are not "good enough" & that they can't satisfy their partner. So, they don't talk about it.... Time marches on.. & things get worse.. By reading this book, you become aware of the dangers, problems, and the help available for sexual addition.

I - we have not finished reading this book. It is a difficult subject to delve into. But, I would highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in the subject of sexual addiction - I rather say "compulsion" so I can discuss the subject with my teen-age children ... they will run from the term "addict". It covers the full gambit. I feel every parent, and in fact adult should read this book. I had no idea that this could happen and how it happens. I knew sexual addition was "out there" but not in just about every person's back yard. Because of the internet, this is possible in every household in America that has access to a computer. It is THE hidden epidemic because of the subject - sex - that is associated with it. Persons involved don't talk about it because it is an "alone" activity. And the family members don't talk about it because of the shame .... the spouse/partner feels they are not "good enough" & that they can't satisfy their partner. So, they don't talk about it.... Time marches on.. & things get worse.. By reading this book, you become aware of the dangers, problems, and the help available for sexual addition.

Fabulous book. Very helpful and gives lots of great info. Highly recommended!

Patrick Carnes is a recognized authority an sexual addiction and has a very clear, direct and writing style. He has a deep understanding of his topic and he conveys it in easy to understand language without any judgmental overtones.

This specific book is intended primarily for people who are addicts or suspect they have some problems in this area. As such, it contains a lot of case histories, first person quotes and a simple approach that describes the basics underlying sex addiction. The role of shame and guilt in the addictive cycle as experienced by the person caught in the cycle sexual addiction is covered in-depth. In addition, the role of sexual addiction as a maladaptive survival strategy in response to core wounds is developed at length.

In my opinion, this is an excellent resource for people in recovery. However, one of his other books CONTRARY TO LOVE seems to be more useful for helping professionals. While this book lacks some of the detailed accounts of OUT OF THE SHADOWS it goes into much greater detail on the systems dynamics i.e. role of family, culture, etc. It is more comprehensive, but a more difficult and less personal treatment of Carnes' ideas. However, this book will also be useful to people who are further along in recovery.

Patrick Carnes has written many excellent books in this area. However, Charlotte Kasl is also an author who I feel compliments Patrick Carnes' approach. The book WOMEN, SEX and ADDICTION is particularly good and even if you are not a woman, you will find it a useful resource for understaning sexual addiction and co-dependence in general.

Patrick Carnes is a fan of Twelve Step Programs and he argues convincingly for this approach in combination with therapy. Overall, he comes across as optimistic, encouraging, empathetic and practical. Much of his work has been with men, but based on my knowledge he has a deep understanding of sexual addiction and co-dependency in general.

Patrick Carnes has also written many other books on related topics such as pornography addiction, online sex addictions and breaking free from addictive or co-dependent relationships. The BETRAYAL BOND is an example of a book on this latter topic. All of his stuff is good, but various books have a different tone because of the different audiences addressed and where Carnes' was at in his thinking at the time that he wrote them. I honestly prefer CONTRARY TO LOVE to this book, but that is because I am a psychology professional and not someone looking for more detail from the inside.

This book is the real deal. The author most definitely understands the depth of this subject.

I could sense for a long time that my best friend was going through some serious personal problem but he didn't want to tell me about it. A few weeks ago he came to me and confessed that he is addicted to sex, his life was getting out of control and he badly needs help and support. As a recently married I too was quite prone to be more sexually active so I decided that it is a very good idea to have this book just in case. I gave it to him as well as the bestseller "scientifically guaranteed male multiple orgasms and ultimate sex". As he shared with me Dr. Carnes proved him black on white this is a kind of diseases which can be cured. Then scientist Ritz showed him how to gradually eliminate each of the health problems caused by chronic overejaculating. My best friend was getting better with every day and I am so thankful to these 2 great authors for covering A-Z the psychological and physiological aspects and treatment of this serious problem. That's why I urge you to get both books because they compliment each other perfectly. They WILL help you to understand and eliminate your addiction and have normal and incredible sexual life after that!

Out of the Shadows By Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. Lori Horn Out of the Shadows presents the reader with a careful analytical examination of sexual addiction, its roots, and how one can make difficult but necessary changes through recovery in order to live a healthy life. Dr. Carnes explains in a straight forward yet understandable way how the cycles of addiction work and the well-known twelve step program which has been "adjusted" for sexual addiction. Carnes gives real life examples of the pain and recovery of many sexual addicts as well as family members. Carnes begins by describing the thought and behavioral patterns of the sexual addict explaining how the addict uses the addiction as a mood altering mechanism in order to block out the emotional pain they do not want to feel. Carnes explains how the initial admission and recognition of the addiction itself, and desire to change is essential for life changing recovery. Carnes expresses the importance of treatment for the family of the addict being as significant as the treatment for the addict. He commits a chapter to discuss the "co-addict" (immediate family members) and their thought processes and behaviors toward the addict and his/her addiction.

Marina Kushner
Author
The Truth About Caffeine: How Companies That Promote It Deceive Us and What We Can Do about It

Happy to recommend - shipped very quickly, book in excellent condition!

Sexual addiction is almost impossible to understand or comprehend by the non-sexually addictive person. This book is written in a way that is easy to read and very easily understood, by both the addict and the non-addict. It puts into perspective what, why and how the sex addict functions. It takes the burden of guilt and frustration "off" his/her partner and re-inforces that addiction is a disease, and in many ways not a choice.

I've been in recovery for some time and have read at least 45+ books on the topic. I and others who have been around for a while always recommend that this is a must-read in the first few months of recovery. (Others include The Final Freedom, SA White Book, Hope and Recovery)

What's great about this book is that he doesn't just focus on behavior as some books do. While that's a critical part of recovery, Carnes goes deeper into the real issues in our lives that have brought us to where we are with this problem and helps us to understand the fundamental beliefs we maintain that keep us helpless. If you struggle with sexual compulsion issues, you may find yourself in tears as you see your real self on his pages. Thank you, Dr. Carnes.

I FOUND THIS BOOK VERY INFORMATIONAL. I HAD A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF THE ADDICTION. MY HUSBAND READ IT ALSO. I RECOMMEND THIS BOOK WHO HAS THE DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT GOES ON IN THE SEXUAL ADDICTED PERSON.
As I'm sitting here writing this review I'm thinking about another book I read called "The Truth About Caffeine: How Companies That Promote it Deceive Us and What We Can Do About It" The author is a reformed coffee drinker, revealed frightening evidence about the dangers associated with coffee. Absolutely amazing book! Check out the website at Caff eineAwareness.org. As for the book, it's pure pleasure reading!!!

I am a member of RecoveryNation.com, an online community that works together to promote health based recovery from sexual addiction. This, coupled with the free workshops are the mainstays of our curriculum. If you are new to understanding sexual addictions, this book is a must. It literally saved my life...guiding me on the road to health.

I wish I had read this book years ago. I am married to an addict, and found the information to be very helpful and right on with the attitudes and behaviors. I also took keen interest in the chapter about the co-dependent or co-addict, because it described me perfectly. It was definitely a revelation for me, and I think it will lead to my own recovery. I am also attending S-Anon meetings, which I think will help me to be a healthier individual, along with what I learned from this book. I think it helps to understand the addict better, and maybe helps to show that the addict may deserve more than contempt and anger. Most addicts are the way they are because of previous tragedy in their lives. With this awareness, it looks like those willing to recognize and treat the problem have hope for a better life. But I believe this book is the first step to recovery because it defines what is going on.

This is the best-known book by the best-known author on the subject of sexual addiction. Dr. Carnes was a pioneer in the treatment of this malady. I first read this book in the late 80's when my acting out got me into trouble with the law. I knew that everything in the book was absolutely true, since I was living it! At that time, I collected all kinds of information about the addiction. I believed that since I now had knowledge of my problem and knowledge of treatment and 12-Step solutions, I would finally be able to keep myself out of trouble. Nope.

It doesn't work that way. Knowledge is NOT power!

When I finally "hit bottom" in May of 2001, I found SA (Sexaholics Anonymous, www.sa.org). I started going to meetings, found a sponsor, and worked the 12 Steps. They saved my life! I have been sober from acting out and have experienced progressive victory over lust ever since then.

After reading this book, contact SA and find the Solution!
You are not alone.


Note: SA, like all 12-Step Fellowships, is open to, and has members of all faiths. But if you are looking for the best Christian book on recovery from sex addiction, check out Impossible Joy (also available here on Amazon).

I am a professional psychotherapist and have been treating sexual addiction for over 11 years. For all of this time, I have recommended this book as a starting point for understanding the addiction-for both the addict and co-addict. It is a good idea to read this book prior to starting therapy, or as an adjunct to a self-help recovery program. If you are unsure if you, or a loved one, suffers from this addiction, this book will help answer that question.Carnes expresses the importance of treatment for the family of the addict being as significant as the treatment for the addict. He commits a chapter to discuss the "co-addict" (immediate family members) and their thought processes and behaviors toward the addict and his/her addiction.I also recommended the book Sex and the perfect lover by Mabel Iam, it gives sexual tecniques to make with your partner, and its are very important to do, because dont know its is the number one cause of divorce in AMERICA.

I am a member of those who are catagorized as sexually addicted. I knew all my life that I was different than most. I am not a level 2 or 3 but addicted just the same. I happened to come across this book and read it and I have a brand new understanding of my disease. I am glad to know that I am not alone in what I feel and that there is help out there for those of us who need it. The book is somewhat technical as to help you understand what catagory you fit into, but the examples are excellent and helped me to understand where I fit. It is a must read for those who need to know whether they truly need help and those who help those who need the help.

patrick carnes is quite extraordinary. his book is intellegent, insiteful and inspiring. it is incredibly useful for folks struggling with sex addiction or related issues, and for those interested in treating addicts and their partners. dr. carnes has provided an amazing gift for all of us who are in recovery or who still suffer from this difficult dis-ease.

Dr. Carnes book has been a revelation to many of my clients. They tend to recommend this book to others in their groups as a "great starter book for anyone hoping to understand their problems." It certainly speaks honestly to the problems of sexual addiction and, as it applies to my interests, to the problems of sexual offending. All of the men and women that I work with have been ajudicated for sexual offending and often struggle with the shame of their behaviors. This book helps them to realize that their struggles begin with recognizing the "stealth" processes which precede their actual offending.

Our groups are not about excusing behaviors but acknowledging and understanding them in order to avoid further offenses. "No More Victims" is our mantra.

Richard R. (Travis) Merrell, M.A. (Dramatherapy, NY University)
[...]

This is the best book so far I have read on sex addiction and codependancy.. the behaviours, the reasons, backgrounds and the likes. It's a great book for both sex addicts and their partners and families to gain a full understanding of how we work, how we function as sexual beings, and why sex addiction is so hard to give up.
As I am studying for a counselling degree in this area, I found the book to be invaluable in reading into reasons why people do what they do for comfort and the likes. It will be a great reference book to store in my office!

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is living in an addictive world - my understanding of this disease is now much greater and I anticipate I will be buying and reading a lot more of Carnes' books.

I found this book to be very helpful in understanding my partners sex, love addiction; what are the belief systems, how it works, and how I play into it. Chapter five: Coaddiction was very insightful and helpful for me, personally. I have also discovered Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence to be very validating and insightful. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction was the first book I read that really helped me wrap my brain around what sexual addiction is and what it isn't.

This book has allowed me to see myself outside of myself and to see _why_ I have done some of the things I've done in the past. I'm still finishing it up and will be ordering other related books to this subject by this author. Thanks for the much needed help!

If you are looking for a book to help you understand why your spouse, family member, friend or even you can't stop doing sexually inappropriate acts this is it. Reading this book has helped me to understand the complexity of this issue and brought such peace to my mind. I have recommended this book to four people already and all have begun to read it and learn from it. I only hope that they pass it along to others and create a bigger network of healing. Buy it. The price for the book and the time you spend reading it will never amount to the peace, understanding and answers you will recieve from its pages.

"Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes is one of the best books on sexual addiction. Carnes says sexaholism transcend personality, gender, and socio-economic status. He defines sexual addiction as having a pathological relationship with sex and using it as a mood-altering drug. His descriptions of the symptoms, the three levels of addictions, and the progression through the four-part cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, compulsive sexual behavior and despair are excellent.
Carnes also deals with the sex addicts underlying dynamics such as a faulty self-image, and believing that sex is their most important need. Carnes describes how some addicts appear grandiose and full of exaggerated self-importance to create a front of "normalcy," and hide their addiction and poor self-esteem. He says the addict's family and friends often become angry and frustrated with the addict's "egocentricity" and insensitivity to others. Since guilt and remorse cannot be expressed the addict may become progressively more isolated and unreachable as they close off their vulnerability.
Carnes states that since the addict feels unloved and unlovable they have little confidence in the love of others and become calculating, manipulative and ruthless. They are purposely unclear about their intentions in relationship and are seductive in their behavior. Addicts also have a high need to control all situations in an effort to guarantee their sexual supply and ensure all possible sexual opportunities.
To get help Carnes recommends SA's 12 Step Program. He says the Program helps the addict to, "separate themselves as individuals from their addiction which, as a powerful illness, is destroying their lives. By admitting the addictions power, hope emerges from connecting with others and Higher Power. The fellowship of the Program surrounds participants with people who have suffered in the same way. They no longer feel unique. They trust and are trusted with personal secrets."
Carnes says the Program teaches the addict that they do not need the addiction to survive, but will need the Program because of the addictions power. When the addict recognizes how powerless and unmanageable they are over their addiction, they start to live a life which focuses on human relationships as opposed to sex.
Carnes points out how members of the Program continue to learn about the process through teaching others. He says sex addicts can become responsive and responsible members of the human community.