It teaches about the needs of both sexes and how to communicate these needs to your spouse. It also talks about the dynamics of an affair and how to recognize and avoid the warning signals. I also recommend I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't

I enjoy the cd so I can listen in the car. I think every spouse should want to be all they can be and in turn allow their partner to be all they can be. The cd gives examples of how we "destroy" our marriages without realizing it. Amarriage takes time, effort, love and most of all God. A must have review whenever you get the chance, least you forget exactly why you got married.

The service was really excellent and courier was in good condition.
The book has all the practical aspects and will surely help each couple struggling in a marriage.

I think this is a great book for any married couple. I have purchased a couple of copies for friends who I know are having some difficulties in their marriages. I did not think any part of the book was stereotypical. Women who have a great need for financial support are the women who expect their husbands to support them fully financially. Men who have a great need for a physically attractive wife needs for their wife to try to be attractive. But each person has their own needs that need to be met. Not every woman desires for their husband to fully support them, not does every man desire for their wife to be extremely agttractive. These are just examples in the book. This book not only helped me see how and why the relationship between my husband and I have changed since we first met, it also helped me see that we neither one have been meeting each others needs. The problems we were having weren't the real problems, but symptoms of the problems. This book will help us to better meet each others needs. It can only help our marriage by putting these practices into place in our marriage.

I bought this book for my daughter and her fiance. They read the book together and they really loved it. It was a great pre-read before getting married.

We had to read this book for pre-marital counseling. Recommend it highly and give it as wedding gifts. Coming up on our 20th anniversary! Also recommend "Love & Respect" (Eggerichs).

I think everyone wanting or in a relationship should read this book. It really gives insite that one wouldn't have with it. These principles can make a good foundation in a realtionship.

This is a must have book for married couples. It's a great gift idea for a wedding present.

The preacher who is officiating our wedding in a month recommended this book to us. It takes a practical, almost amoral, look at the causes of most extramarital affairs. This is a good book to read for any married couple to help identify what is important to each person and what needs aren't being met in the marriage. Some of the chapters reiterate a point a little too much - explaining a key concept beyond the point where you are saying, "okay, I get it already." However, it is easy enough to just skim over those parts and get to the next important topic.

This was a wonderful read with great insight to both the female and male mind. I believe this book can help you from when you are first dating to having a serious problem in your relationship. This book has made me realize that it truely does take two people to make a relationship work and work well. I have since gone back and apologized to my now X-Wife for my inaction that caused her afair with another man. I know that if I had this information when it was needed, I could have avoided all that pain in my life. I sincerly recomend it to all.

anscarson

Arrived on time and in perfect conditions. One of the best books I've ever read on the subject, and I've read quite a few! Dr. Harley's emotional needs theory is straightforward and clear, and every couple who wants to see their marriage improve dramatically should take a look at it.

Never have I read a book that explained the differences between men and woman in such an easy way. This book opened my eyes to why I do things and why my husband does things. I can almost say I understand him now. Our relationship has flourished since we read and discussed (vital part) this book. We have recently given this book to three couples as a wedding gift and they all have praised it as 'the best gift ever.' I highly recommend this book.

This author is not offering a Christian perspective in this book. It's unbiblical human psychology. What's more, misguided false teachers use it on Christian couples to do God knows what?
Skip this junk...

43 years of marriage does not guarantee a happy ending. We should have had this book and it's companion "Love Busters" before we started our married lives. Highly recommend the two as wedding gifts or aniversary gifts. Troubled marriages may well benifit from these two books. Easy reading and they have really helped us save our marriage

A friend mentioned this book to me so I looked it up on the internet and was able to preview the introduction and read the first chapter, I was sold. I bought it right away.

Although written from an American-Christian point of view, the book's value is in concentrating several good ideas and things to pay attention to when in a relationship. The analysis is simplistic, but useful. As relationships go, the author's recommendations are easy to say but hard to do. So it is not a bad starter, but not nearly enough to avoid hitting the rocks.

Our marriage counselor reccomended this book. My husband and I took turns reading the chapters. I thought the book made a lot of sense and I think it definitely helped get us through a rough patch in our marriage...

Didn't have to wait the whole time period, quality product couldn't ask for anything more

Some well-meaning people in my life provided me with a copy of this book before I got married. You know what they say about good intentions, and had I listened to the advice in this book, my marriage would certainly have taken the well-paved highway to that hot place.

When someone presents a theory of how a system works, logic dictates that if their assumptions are wrong, the entire idea becomes unstable and cannot stand the test of time, pressure, real life, what have you. This is why communism and 1970s feminism did not work - their assumptions were dead wrong.

William Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" goes down this same road with the faulty proposition that husbands and wives must meet five core needs in their spouses (the list is different for men and women), lest their spouse be tempted into an affair. While I agree that no loving spouse would deliberately neglect the needs of their partner, and that neglected spouses will be tempted by others, the problem I have is that Harley writes this book from a Christian worldview. In marriage, this worldview teaches self-sacrifice (to the point of death, if necessary, for husbands), unconditional love and the demand that one put their spouse's needs first.

This cannot jive with Harley's theory. Because I am a Christian, I am expected to love and be faithful to my wife for the rest of my/her life, regardless of whether she deserves it or not. If I go out and cheat on her, the Bible holds me guilty of adultery. No qualifications, no excuses, no "but she...". I would be sinning, plain and simple.

So does this mean that my wife should not try to meet my needs for intimacy, friendship, domestic tranquility, honor, etc? Absolutely not - she loves me and wants the best for me. But, on the other hand, should she do these things because I will have an affair if she doesn't? Should I provide her with a standard of living equal to (or greater than) that provided by her father, so that she won't leave me for a rich guy (this actual scenario was referenced in one chapter)? Harley's answer to both questions is a resounding "yes."

This is just more self-centered pop-psychology tripe, dressed up in Christianese and marketed to the Baby Boomer generation to absolve them of all responsibility and consequences. The problem is, enough of them actually bought this nonsense and have attempted to pass it on to people like me. I would rather decide to love my wife because I promised to do so.

Dr. Harley's book is quite insightful and is full of good information. However, when he isn't talking about himself in a self-promoting way, he is telling hypothetical stories (which I personally dislike). The stories I'm sure are realistic, but lack a needed sense of real life. Overall I would recommend the book because Harley clearly has some great things to say, he just isn't a great writer.

It is amazing that marriage councilors can get it so wrong!. Willard Harley admitted his initial failure to save marriages. Read about his research and learn from this. Respect for a partner can only happen if one understands the needs of one's partner. Every person in a relationship should have this book. Give it as a wedding gift and keep a copy in your house. Even your teenage children can read this and learn how to have a good relationship.

This was very informative. I purchased the book for a friend who was recently divorced also and he is finding it very helpful. Everyone should read this book before getting married!

This book points out in specific detail how different people have different priorities, and how marriages fall apart when these priorities are not met.

In itself, perhaps this is not a new concept, but it is explained vividly and powerfully, with concrete examples that most couples should find helpful.

The best book on the subject I have ever read.

In a relationship, each partner should give 150% to make it work. We need to sacrifice and honor that individual. This book by Harley can help you.

My wife and I read this book a year before getting married. We each read our own copy and then discussed the book. We then visited the authors' site and did the questionaires available online. We then went to the workshop three months before our wedding ceremony. We firmly believe that the guidelines in this book have helped us remain devoted, satisfied, and flexible throughout the ups and downs of a modern marriage.

The heirarchy of needs is so profound and, yet, so simple. If a person's needs are not fulfilled they will go somewhere to fulfill those needs. You are encouraged to do your best to fulfill your partner's needs, and vice versa. The "Love Bank" is a simple concept to use and assess the dynamics of your relationship. You make deposits (through acts of kindness and fulfilling your partner's needs) and you make withdrawals (by failing to treat your partner well or through acts of selfishness). When the love bank hits a deficit, your marriage is at risk.

This is not a book that encourages you to be a drone and merely submit to your partner's whims. Instead it is a guide that shows you how to remain a happy individual and keep your marriage alive and free from affairs.

There are alot of things in this book that people don't want to accept. For example: some women don't want to acknowledge that sex and appearances are of high importance to men. Yet, they get upset when their husbands cheat with younger, prettier women. Some men don't want to acknowledge that affection and active conversation are important to women. Yet they get upset when their wife has an affair with another man to find that affection.

The principles of this book help you learn to put aside your aversions to your partner's needs and/or make a genuine attempt to fulfill their needs.

I highly recommend this book to people that are about to get married, people that are suffering in a broken marriage, or people that are experiencing the pain from an affair.

I was a little reluctant in reading this book at first but I must say it hit quite a few things on the nose for me. It also opened my eyes to some things as well. After coaxing my husband into reading it I see a difference in both of us. This is a must read no matter how many years you have been married!!!!

I am a minister. Over the last six years I have presented "His Needs, Her Needs" to over 15 couples, prior to marriage. Some were young, first time marriage couples, many were divorced and embarking on their second marriages. Every couple has commented on the value of the information & advice contained in this book. Several of the couples found the counsel to be so important to the success of their current marriages that they have referred others to me. This book should be read and the chapter exercises completed, by every couple intent on marriage, as well as every married couple (no matter how long) who wish to develop a deeper, true loving, caring partnership.

I read this book after my sister recommended it to me. I only wish I could have read it before my divorce. It is a great book and even after the divorce it was very helpful.

Our marriage counselor gave us this book after I found out about an affair. While the book has many good points, I found it to be heavy on putting blame on the spouse who doesn't meet needs. The reason people have affairs is that they are selfish and covenant breakers. There are other ways to address needs not being met. We are now working out our differences, but at first my husband used the book to justify his actions. It could be a great book, used with care.

This book was given as a gift to a couple who are experiencing difficulties in their young marriage. It was recommended to me by a wife who had used it successfully herself.

What an eye opener. This has helped our marriage from 50-60% to 100-120%.
So many things we did not know about the differences in how we think.
God Bless.

I found it a bit simplistic to reduce a marriage to a set of needs that could be met or unmet. That's what behaviorist theory preaches and so far it has worked in other areas of psychology. Reading within that context, it makes sense that if you fullfill your spouse's needs, there won't be affairs. Quite optimistic!

I am a full time minister with a church in Southern California. I read extensively on family and marriage for both counseling and teaching purposes. I have read probably 100 titles on the subject.

Having said that, let me say that this book is the best material I have ever read on marriage building. Over the years, I have seen marriages collapse because one of the spouses neglected the needs of the other. It is uncanny how acurately Harley zeros in on how an affair happens. His analogy of the "love bank" is fantastic.

In my work with the church, I can say that the problem isn't that people are unaware of God's expectations for them in marriage. The men and women in pews are aware that God expects the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Wives are aware of their needs to be a helper and companion of their husbands. What they lack is the knowledge of what that "looks like" in the real world. Harley paints this quite nicely for us.

I couldn't recommend this title more highly.

I read the book on my own. Then I gave it to my wife, and we read it together. After that, we attended the 10 week marriage builders course that is based on the book. And with all that said, a year removed from any of those activities, I say proceed with extreme caution.

Harley enlightens us with great concepts, and insights, such as: being a student of your partners needs, being willing to sacrifice for those needs, and recognizing the consequence of unmet needs. This is great. Yet the overall premise is completely wrong. He's basically saying that at all costs we need to submit to every whim of our spouse. This is not what apostle Paul meant in his letter.

I believe it is our desire to find a perfect paradise on Earth that so dupes us in to subscribing to such illusionary ideologies. There is no untainted bliss between two sinful people. This is a quest for eternal youth disguised as one seeking the Holy Grail.

Of course he means no harm, and his book will help many in their marriages. It just bothers me how we accept such blantently wrong principles, because how they are presented and the benefits it would mean for ourselves personally.

Love,
Easily duped

First off, I am a minister - my main experience is in campus and outreach ministry.

I have read this book through once, before I got married, and I have read different sections several times. Usually when someone I know is getting married I recommend this book, The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman), and Financial Peace Revisited (Dave Ramsey) as three must read books before they tie the knot (these 3 books don't address all things marriage - they are just a good base and provide some solid insight and wisdom).

Okay... His Needs, Her Needs. I think this book is successful in achieving the stated purpose - to help affair-proof a marriage. The book illustrates several situations which resulted in affairs, due to the individual needs of spouses not being met. The book list the 10 MOST COMMON needs people have/need to be met in their marriage partnership (some people might have a need category unaddressed, but the ones listed in the book are pretty inclusive).

We know men and women are different, this book illustrates this well. Men and women can/will often have a different priority of needs. The book gives a stereotypical order of those needs for men and women - you do not need to be stereotypical to benefit from this book. Some women have sex and handsome husband as their needs 1 and 2 and some men have conversation and affection as their needs 1 and 2 (this would not be very stereotypical).

Regardless of what your needs are, I think this book does a good job illustrating that every person has unique needs to them and once in a marriage relationship - God intends for the spouse to be the main provider of such needs. When your spouse is not actively helping to meet those needs, a door is opened in the relationship that could lead to infidelity (emotionally or physically - both types addressed in the book).

Other reviewers state that it is not a Christian book. I disagree with this point of view, it IS a very Christian book - it is just NOT a religious book! This book is written by a Christian counselor and teaches a very Christian point of view regarding marriage - a husband and wife should be focused on serving/edifying each other. This book in NO WAY supports a "me first" attitude NOR does it "justify infidelity" - it lists several causes of selfishness and infidelity in marriages.

This book however, does not delve into the wives submit and husbands serve passages - although, I don't remember anything in the book that contradicts that biblical point of view, by any stretch.

This is a great book that teaches common sense (just because it is common sense, it does mean it is common knowledge) about marriage and having a solid...conent...and happy marriage. This book is very helpful for non-Christians (it is not too churchy, to the point some say it is not Christian book?) and Christians... regardless of where you are in the marriage spectrum (happily, broken, engaged to be, single, divorced, etc.), it is an insightful book.

Sorry for any poor spelling/grammar.

My husband and I had to read this book as a part of our premarital counseling last year. This book talks about the most important needs of the husband and wife. Harley points out that a husband's top needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. He also points out that a wife's top needs are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. Of course the author recognizes that many of these needs overlap into the other spouse's territory. It was nice to have the discussion questions for Her, Him, and the Couple at the end of each chapter for moments of reflection. Overall, it was a good read and it remains a reference tool on our bookshelf to reach for during times when we need to be reminded about the other person's needs.

I've long thought that the key to any type of relationship is having realistic expectations. The reason we are often unhappy with a person is that they do not meet our expectations. Too many times we have expectations of what our partner should/shouldn't do, and they have no idea.

Harley presents a practical, realistic guide for couples to dicover their own needs and then share them with each other. That knowledge alone should help many marriages. He next explains the needs in greater detail, and gives scenarios for what may/may not happen if a particular need isn't met. Harley also explains how the needs are related to one another and ignoring one leads to a domino effect.

I've been in a relationship with my fiance for 3 1/2 years and am marrying him in about a month. I thought this was a great book for us, and even though I didn't have him sit down and read it through, I asked many of the questions randomly in conversation. Although I already knew a lot about him, this book caused me to stop and really think about what he needed vs. what I was providing. Most were common sense ideas, but there were a couple that I wouldn't have ever thought about, but found them to be very true.

For some couples, this may be a great eye opener, for others a good reminder, that in order to make a relationship work, you have to know what your partner needs and be willing to provide that.

I recommend the book for new couples and old, for those who want to strengthen a good relationship and those who want to save a faltering one.

i realy liked this book and have recommended it to many people. i agreed with the author's analysis of needs and the outcome if the important ones are not met by a spouse. also, i did not find that the book was overwhelmingly "Christian" of "biblically" based. i am neither and am usually turned off by Christian or biblical rhetoric. i also liked how quickly the book could be read. even if one uses it to get better in touch with their OWN needs, it would be helpful. I give it a 5 star rating and strongly recommend it to people.

I couldn't agree more with (Stacy) below in saying that this book portrays a distorted message of what a husband and wife should be. Read her review and rethink reading this book. Husbands: love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. Much more could/should be said, but I think Stacy said it all.

I couldn't agree more with (Stacy) below in saying that this book portrays a distorted message of what a husband and wife should be. Read her review and rethink reading this book. Husbands: love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. Wives: submit to your husbands as is fitting to the Lord. Much more could/should be said, but I think Stacy said it all.

While the principle concepts presented in this book may seem rather obvious (men and women have different needs that should be met for a successful marriage), there is still much value to be gained from reading it. Harley does an excellent job of outlining and explaining the differences in "most important needs" for both men and women in a way that will help the opposite gender better understand those needs. This would be a valuable book for anyone interested in having a serious relationship with the opposite sex as well as anyone already involved in a relationship (married or not).

His basic premise is that every person has certain needs that they look for a partner to meet. When a person meets those needs they build up credits in their "love bank" until some point at which they feel that they need or love that person. When a spouse fails to meet their partner's most important needs, their partner will look to have those needs met elsewhere and many times an affair ensues. So, to prevent an affair from ravishing your relationship, pay attention to meet all of your partner's needs and make it clear to them what your needs are so that they may be met as well. In this way Harley places some of the blame for affairs on the cheated-on spouse. They must not have been meeting their partner's needs for them to seek out companionship elsewhere. While I'm sure that not all affairs occur because of this, Harley claims that in the vast majority of cases, his premise holds true.

His experience as a long-time marriage counselor provides Harley with a particularly well-rounded and thorough perspective on the most common problems in marriages and the root causes of those problems. He tells it like he sees it, and doesn't shy from coming off as discriminatory towards one sex or the other. The way he asks women or men who have been cheated on to look at themselves and discover in what ways they failed to meet their significant other's needs may upset some people.

This book looks at relationships in a rather unique way that will help couples better understand each other and each others' needs. At marriage, both partners feel that their needs are being met and expect them to continue to be met afterwards. If they are not, they do not feel content and affairs frequently follow. I highly recommend this book to everybody interested in learning more about yourself, the opposite sex, and about how successful relationships should work.

If you're looking for a Biblical perspective on marriage you will be disappointed with this book, as my husband and I were. This is pop-culture/pop-psychology sold under the guise of Christian advice. This book is worldly at best. The basis for a Christian marriage is spelled out in Scripture: Wives, submit to your husbands, husbands, love your wives. Marriage is based on serving, forgiving, praying for, and committing to one another every day. The problem with this book is that its premise is that each spouse is obligated to meet the other's needs, and if that does not happen, our anger, selfishness, pouting, and - yes - even adultery are justified. Scripture just doesn't support such a one-sided, "look out for self" view of any Christ-centered relationship. In fact, the New Testament is full of verses about dying to yourself, giving up your rights, not demanding they be met, as this book suggests. The book's list of the top needs of males and females is very narrow. You're better off asking the Lord to give you a heart to love and serve your spouse, and determining each other's needs from there. If you want a specific, really eye-opening look at what the other sex thinks and feels try For Women Only or For Men Only by Feldman. These are excellent and convicting. For sexual issues try Sheet Music by Kevin Leman - extrememly Biblically based but also a great read, a must for all couples. God calls us to be wise, so be wise and forget this book - it will skew your view of marriage and yourself.

God Bless Your Marriage!!

I think Harley's ideas make a lot of sense, and they aren't just the usual ones about better communication. He has tried to codify what makes people love each other, and to help married people learn to fill the needs each has, but that aren't always clear to the other.

Could be helpful for any couple -- married or not, opposite or same sex.

I gave this book to a friend after it being recommended by our pastor. She had separated from her husband after a very sordid affair. She said it was very helpful for her. Not sure if he read it or not. Incidentally they've made amends and even renewed their vows.

At first one thinks the ideas in this book are old fashioned, and not even relevant in todays world. Then you try them and they work. for me at least. "Affair-proof" was not my goal. Simply consider that affair proof equals blissful happiness.

This book said so many things that I had thought I had communicated to my spouse. In reading this book it made so many things more clear. My spouse and I now have clearer understanding on where the other one is coming from. The way that things are phrased are clear and spelled out. If you want better understanding and a true appreciation of how to keep your marage alive than this book is for you.

Well, this book was a let down. It is a stereo typical book where all women are needy and all men sexed up and too blind to see anything..... The basis of this book seems to be affairs so if you don't need help getting past an affair, don't waste your time.....

Well, this book was a let down. It is a stereo typical book where all women are needy and all men sexed up and too blind to see anything..... The basis of this book seems to be affairs so if you don't need help getting past an affair, don't waste your time.....

My husband and I both are reading this book together. We also started reading it with some friends (two other couples) in a small group form. This book is great for any married couple, no matter how long you've been married, or if you are having marital problems are not. At our group we read a chapter once a week, then each couple does the questions at the end of the chapter and at the end of the book on their own. By reading this book together and discussing the questions together it has greatly enriched my marriage. I've never felt closer to my husband then I do now. I highly recommend this book.

Wow, what an eye-opening book! Whether you're contemplating marriage or not, you need this book to understand anyone of the opposite sex. The author puts into words what you could not otherwise articulate, but you knew it was a name for it. This book (audio CD)is the bomb!

I highly recommend this audio-CD as a must-read for pre-marital and post-marital counseling.