My husband's girlfriend (also married with kids) gave her copy (she's been divorced before of course) to my husband to read I guess to encourage him to divorce me. A lovely book for lovely people I guess!

Relational Shifts: A Family Doesn't Have to End Just Because a Marriage Does

Our family is another proof of this book's positive impact on what could have been a very negative story...we wrote our story, raw and vulnerable and filled with things most people wouldn't share with their therapist or best friends...we share our worst in the hopes that it can help others find their best...somehow, starting with this book, THE GOOD DIVORCE, we found out way to a better family.

We were honored to be Keynote Speakers at an event for the Collaborative Law Institute which is hosting Constance Ahrons as their Continuing Education Lecturer.

Blessings on this woman and all the goodness she has helped others live with integrity for a higher goal...FAMILY!

warmest regards,
jules

www.relationalshifts.com

My parents read this book as they were considering separating. It convinced them that there was no reason to resolve their differences, and that our family would be somehow stronger. It absolutely gives unhappy people the unfounded expectation that if they can just be friendly with each other, negative effects can be completely avoided.

In the end it made my parents separation all the more painful for me and my adult siblings, because it built an expectation that divorce would be easy on everyone. When it wasn't, the only response was to blame us kids, because they were working really hard at their "good" divorce.

This is a must have book for anyone considering a divorce, in the process of divorcing, or even already divorced. There is much practical advice as well as encouragement in this book. I highly recommend it!

I am a Counselor. Rule #1 is "Do not counsel friends and family."
I gave this book to my son and his ex. Thier break up was BEYOND poisonous to my Grandson. I asked them to read it & seek help. Otherwise I was going to seek custody of my Grandson. {It was THAT bad.}
This book, along with a good 3rd party counselor, helped immensely.
It is, in my opinion, good no nonsense advice. It will help open eyes of exactly WHAT you are possibly doing to your children during a divorce.

As a very successful child of a "good divorce," I cannot think of a more destructive book published in the last 15 years. Despite the fact that a divorce is sometimes necessary (in the case of abusive marriages, for example), the phrase "good divorce" is an oxymoron! The ruin--and yes, divorce ruins things even when it may make certain things better--of 50% of families in America is anything but good.

This book is not written with the well-being of children in mind, but rather with the well-being of the parents. The very idea that there is ideally no one to blame in the break-up of a marriage is ludicrous. People today, it seems, have found various other things (success, personal fulfillment, inner peace) that are more valuable than other people. Is it not a scary fact that this book aims at absolving divorcing parents of all guilt? The sad result is that the guilt inevitably falls onto the children, regardless of how many times they are told that it is not their fault. It is simply indicative of our self-centered, individualistic society today that we honestly believe that our spouses can remain such only so long as they are promoting our pure happiness and contentment every waking minute.

To any parents who are entertaining the idea that a divorce in which conflict is minimized is not harmful to children, I must, from personal experience, issue a resounding, "NO, a marriage is the best thing you can give to your children." Some things, my friends, are worth fighting for--and the love of your life trumps them all.

For an excellent yet sensitive counter argument to this book's selfish and guiltless agenda, I would strongly recommend Elizabeth Marquardt's "Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce:"

"Why are children of divorce considered so resilient? Because the adults need them to be that way."

Offers a good framework for understanding how relationship (may) evolve throughout divorce. Helps one understand what is and what could be.

Good book. Full of useful and practical info. Describes the meanings of both emotional divorce and legal divorce. Goes through emotional stages of the divorce process. Bring the historical perspective. Helps to avoid mistakes during the divorce process. Offers the idea that divorces don't necessary have to be pathologized.

Dr. Ahrons takes a common sense and compassionate approach to divorce. Since divorce is a fact of life, she explains the importance of destigmatizing divorce as a social issue. The messages Dr. Ahrons conveys include:

1. By placing the focus on communication, compromise, and children's well-being, people going through a divorce can maintain kinship ties and cooperation with each other.

2. It's time for grown-ups who are getting divorced to act like grown-ups, and not bickering, immature, back-stabbing children!

3. Take control of your own divorce and don't give up control to lawyers whose entire motivation is trying to get as much money for themselves as possible. (By the way, lawyers do this by trying to create more adversity bewteen the parties involved so they have more they have to litigate. I saw my own parents lose hundreds of thousands of dollars this way!)

4. Even if your own divorce has gotten off on the wrong foot, it's not too late to correct the situation, which will benefit everyone involved.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK!

This author bashes past research findings, citing limited research parameters, then spins her own findings as the most relevant, without adequately supporting her claims. This should be a book about divorce and dealing with the process, not a thinly-veiled political commentary. Contrary to what is written in this book, conservatives and their governmental policies are not to blame for the increase in divorce rates. If "serial monogamy," where one enters into a marriage without expecting it to be a lifetime commitment is in line with your thinking towards marriage and/or divorce, this book is for you.

I found this book to be very comforting, helpful and intelligent. Of course, a happy marriage and family is what everyone whats. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, your marriage is unhealthy for your entire family. A major theme in the book is that you and your exspouse will always be part of a family if you have children. That you are connected through and because of your children. This book shows that it is possible to create a healthy family in which the parents do not live together. The research done, shows that your children do not have to be damaged by divorce. It shows how sucessful families have created this in their lives. Divorce is not what people expect when they get married and have children, but if it is the only option to creating a happy, peaceful home, it is good to know that your children don't have to be damaged if you take the proper steps. I highly recommend it if you have children.

I caught my wife in an affair. She filed for divorce. I convinced her to try therapy and we saw a therapist. Before the therapist even met with me alone, she recommended my wife read this book. I found it at home and read it. I was outraged because the book was complete trash. I totally agree with some other readers that the book offers nothing except relief from guilt for breaking up a marriage and family; and that the author's purpose for writing the book was to justify her own actions in leaving her husband and hurting her daughter in the process. Read her daughter's school essay near the end of the book where she states something like "I wouldn't wish divorce on any family, but I can see where I have grown in some ways because of it." The author actually interprets that as her daughter saying, "Mom, it's OK. Yes, I suffered from your leaving Dad, but boy-howdy did it make me a stronger person. Gee, thanks, Mom! You did the right thing!" The author falls back on Darwin-inspired ideas like this (I'll paraphrase): "Society has changed, and marriage has adapted to survive these changes. Before we had the nuclear family, now marriage has evolved to the binuclear family." She thinks that by giving divorce a fancy scientific-sounding label like "binuclear family" that it gains legitimacy. You know, if my wife (now ex-wife) had not been able to surround herself with two or three so-called friends who were divorce proponents, and this lousy book, we might have had a fighting chance of reconciling our marriage. And my children, our extended families (both sides), and I wouldn't be hurting so terribly now. I can't blame everything on this book, obviously, but it was certainly not helpful, and probably harmful.

This book helped me move from being stuck in fear of living without my marriage to seeing possibility for my future. Change is always difficult. This book made me see this family change in a new and healthy way. I recommend The Good Divorce to anyone who is having a hard time accepting the end of a marriage.

I found this book in the esteemed Bank Street educational bookstore in Manhattan and it became the first ray of hope during the dark early months of separation. My coparent and I started experiencing our disentangling as an organic shift in our ONGOING relationship, and expressing our continued commitment to each other in affirmative and reaffirming terms. This allowed us to give our son the language and story-telling he needed to feel has HAS a family -- it's simply a differently shaped one. In the intervening two years, our friendship as coparents has continued to thrive as we began tentative steps into new relationships, and as we set up rules and rituals in two households. Ahrons got us started.

This book explains the sampling issues relevant to debunking Wallenstein. And as a person with an A.B. in anthropology from Harvard, I can tell you that Ahrons sampling methods look pretty good. And her use of positive applicable metaphors to create constructive problem-solving is innovatively brilliant.

This is the nice, smart-peoples' divorce book. Forward-looking. Our family relationships today ARE (societally-speaking) often "differently shaped." Ahrons helps us start to deal with that and grow from that base. For our childrens' sake AND our own. Families where one person is dying don't work.

Rather than a guide to keeping your family together if you must divorce, the author seems to want to justify divorce. Worse than that it is unsuccessful in justifying divorce. It cites a lot of studies without providing any supporting details to make those studies come to life. Her examples are many times truly unconventional or she falls back on movies such as "War of the Roses," as an example of how futile revenge is. The author seems to be trying to justify her own divorce 35 years ago, by letting us know how our society and culture have change since the first half of the twientieth century. Who cares about her divorce, she isn't even a good writer. As she rambles on and on through one chapter after another, there is always hope that the next chapter will provide insight to the divorce emotions, situation and process. Admittedly I gave up somewhere around the middle of the book, when I became convinced that a worthwhile chapter probably was not in this book. The good news is that there are a lot of books on divorce that are well written and offer real insight, and I believe good and practical advice.

My first concern during our divorce was how to make it as painless as possible for our children ages spanning from pre-teen to young adults. With "The Good Divorce" I was able to present these goals to my husband. It was a tremendous help in guiding us through our divorce amicably and I am pleased to say that my ex and I are on very good terms today as a result of looking at divorce issues from such a positive point of view.

This book helped me through my divorce, helping to understand the feelings I was having, and how others have dealt with them. But even more importantly, it presents case studies that can provide pointers on a "successful" divorce that doesn't ruin you--or the kids--emotionally.

I found some this book to be both helpful and comforting to read. I learned SO much about divorce while reading this book - the feelings and thoughts that lead to it, what happens to both the leaver and the levee after the separation and the legal stuff about divorces. The words that Constance wrote provided a lot of comfort to me when I read this book. She puts her own experiences and feelings in this book and I felt like I got close to her when I read this. She gives inspiration and hope to all of us divorced parents. I highly recommend this book to ANYONE separated, divorced, or even thinking of doing it