Have you ever feel nervous, fear of the consequence and/or in a dilema when trying to bring up this following examples of topics: asking for a raise, ending relationship, giving a critical performance review, confronting disrespectful behavior, disagreeing with the majority in a group, apologizing, telling the painter not to smoke in your house, firing your employee who also happen to be your friend, and the list goes on..

The point is, whether it is as home, at work, at many other places in your daily life, difficult conversation occur everyday (and either it is attempted or avoided). One interesting concept that the writer brought up is that delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade, and whether it is coated with sugar or thrown hard or soft, it is still going to do damage (and there is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade).

While this book doesn't promise to solve all the problem that you have with your difficult conversation, I believe this book will help pretty much everyone in one level or another. Having said that, in the end, the result will depend on how we are applying and adapting the principles that were described by the author. I personally have applied some of the learning from this book and have seen positive result, and I do wish I have read this book earlier.

Now let me give a summary on the content of the book (without giving it all away of course):

In handling difficult conversation (disagreement, argument etc), these following steps should be taken to improve the outcome of the conversation (before any problem solving effort should take place):

1. Discussing what actually happened (go to the bottom of the "ladder of inference" and talk about the facts only, and not our observation, interpretation, or conclusion of the facts)

2. Do not ignore the feelings (many times, the issue is deeper that it appears, and that feelings are at the heart of difficult conversation, so acknowledge them, for both parties)

3. Utilize the "Contribution" concept (instead of blaming or being defensive)

4. Self-introspection (have the identity conversation and what this situation mean to us)

5. Really listen to what the other party is saying and their story (without filtering it with your inference and internal voice)

6. Say what you mean (don't expect the other party to mind read you) and be authentic

7. Assume positive intent and try to manage your internal voice

The book talks a lot more detail (of strategies) about each item and the tactical example for each of them. Also on the problem solving section and to create the learning conversation once all the facts has been laid out appropriately.

Hope you will be able to turn your difficult conversation into learning conversation,

Sidarta Tanu

Definitely on my recommended book list. A must read for women in business.

Susan Bock
The Success Coach for Women in Business
www.SusanBockSolutions.com

Good reference book with some good advice in it. I would recommend it for someone having to deal with some really difficult folks!

It is intense with good information, should be read slowly in order to incorporate suggested language into daily routine.

This book helped me to recognize where some of my previous conversations have gone wrong and should help me gain the foresight I need to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future. Also a book that have a great chapter about this topic is I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't

This book is a wonderful tool to assist you in crafting a good response to a difficult conversation or work on training your management team to converse well. The contribution ideas are priceless, its a bargain for the price and a must have in any executive's library.

Difficult conversations is a book from the Harvard Negotiation Project (of which "Getting to Yes" is probably best known) and is about the conversations we need to have, but we are afraid of them or they always blow up in our face. How to handle such conversations.

The book essentially consists of two parts (plus an intro, plus an end). The first part of about the problem and the different conversations happening when involved in a difficult conversation. The second part is concrete about, what to do.

The first part describes three ongoing conversations:
- The "What Happened conversation"
- The "Feelings conversation"
- The "Identity conversation"

The "what happened" conversation is about ... what happened. Trying to understand what happened. Not necessary finding "the truth" since with multiple people involved, there will be multiple viewpoints. It's important to accept that and just learn perspectives.

The "feelings" conversation relates to the feelings underlying the conversations. Many conversations are not really about the things, more about the feelings underlying the discussion. These feelings are often not discussed, so it's very hard to talk about them. Some insights here, for me, related to the intentions and how other people assume bad intentions and especially how you yourself can talk everything ok by thinking that the intentions were good.

The "identity" conversations is the deepest one. We think we are a certain way and thats why we need to act a certain way. This has a strong influence in every conversation.

After the first part and diving quite deep in the three different conversations, the authors move on and look at the how to deal with it. It starts with a chapter on finding out the true purpose of the conversation and if you really need to have it. From there it looks at how to begin a conversation. Begin it from the third person so that you can look at both persons perspectives. After this it moves into listening and discusses active listening techniques. A key point here is to be sincere about your wanting to listen, though difficult to change. How to express yourself is the topic of the next chapter and it ends with a discussion on together solving the problem. This is where the influence of the Harvard Negotiation Project becomes very visible.

The last chapter is a funny and very smart put together dialog which puts all the ideas together. I really enjoyed reading this.

The books is very well written, clear and especially concrete. The authors use many example conversations and analyze them, and explain their concepts using these concrete conversations. This made the book really useful and applicable to real life.

If you are ever in difficult conversations (everyone), I'd recommend to have a look at this book. It's been very useful to me.

I think the book would have probably suited me a little better because the CD seemed to drag a little here and there, but overall the content was great!

I had to fire someone. I read this book. It made having the conversation easier and more civil.

This book offers incredibly helpful information about dealing with those conversations we all dread having--the ones that are typically the most important and potentially life-altering. The authors were part of the Harvard Negotiation Project(and helped with the Iran Hostage Crisis, among other major negotiations). I found this to be the most helpful, insightful, and cogent presentation of how we screw up the very conversations in which we want to be at our best--and how to overcome our tendency to be operating from our reptilian brain during our body's physiological "fight or flight" response to stress. This hit home for me in so many areas. I have a degree in psychology (with an emphasis on neuropsych),and an MBA, and over 25 years professional sales experience. I have been through many communications trainings, and I have read most of the books of this ilk out there, including Getting to Yes and Crucial Conversations, which are both excellent books as well. I highly recommend this book.

In Difficult Conversations, the authors Stone, Patton and Heen set out to de-mystify the problems we get into in our daily conversations.

I found this book both enlightening and difficult. Enlightening because of the simple concepts and principles one should adopt when handling difficult conversations. For example, classifying all conversations into:
* The "What Happened ?" Conversation
* The Feelings Conversation
* The Identity Conversation

All of these made sense and will be very useful for me from now on. There were also plenty of examples to illustrate. And that's where I found this book difficult. For me, there were too many examples and sub sections of sub sections - I had to go back a number of times to make the various connections.

Having said that, conversations are a difficult topic to write about. Once a spoken sentence is put onto a page, it can be interpreted in a number of ways. I would have liked to have seen more "big picture" frameworks and diagrams to keep me on track and connected to the author's current point or topic.

Recommended for serious students of communication.

Bob Selden, author What To Do When You Become The Boss: How new managers become successful managers

This book is well written, easy to read, and full of very good, "real life" examples. Many of the concepts presented seem like common sense... yet at the same time they generate "ah ha" moments. Personally, I think this book could be life altering if put into practice- both professionally and personally.

Excellent recommendations on how to communicate effectively with anyone you care about or work with.

I had to get this book for an interpersonal communications class in college. Not bad for something I was forced to read, and is applicable in every day life (unlike those stupid math books).

Those looking for help in communicating with others will be pleased with this book. It covers more content than others I have read (and I've read a few). I would definately recommend this over crucial conversations and a singnificant majority of others books out there. I'm one who understand the need for a balance of soft skills with hard results. It is a good one to have.

Good book with practical tips to a variety of business and personal situations. It is amazing to note that (more often than not) it is misunderstandings that can lead to uncomfortable confrontations... which can be avoided with understanding. It is an easy, quick read.

They should teach this book to every child in school and again in college! This is a fantastic guide that helps give the reader confidence and direction in difficult conversations. Wonderful book!

The book has helped me organize my thoughts and keep in perspective the important issues involved having the difficult conversations I face almost daily.

This little book packs a powerful punch. As an author (Strategic Interviewing: Skills and Tactics for Savvy Executives of a book that explores high-level communication and as a trainer who teaches assertiveness, I found valuable insights on nearly every page.

When you must confront a coworker, store clerk, or friend about some especially difficult situation, this book offers advice for accomplishing your objective while minimizing the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt. If you honestly are interested in elevating your communication skills, the authors walk you through mistakes and remedies in a way that will boost your confidence when unavoidable clashes arise.

For me, an instructor and coach, the only negative is the lack of simplicity. There is no clear formula in this book. But. . . maybe that's the point. When dealing with people and situations, formulas don't work. The book gives you the insights to face your situations using good judgement. That's what leadership is all about.

This is the best book/audio CD I've ever read regarding how to have great communication. It's really fantastic.

You will face difficult conversations throughout your life, but now you can learn how to cope with them. This book provides a framework and various strategies for achieving better outcomes from hard exchanges. Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen use principles, illustrative stories and charts to teach you how to understand the components of challenging conversations, and how to prepare for them and transform them into something constructive. The language of the book is clear, insightful, concise and always helpful. You can use these principles in business, but the stories also concern relationships in your everyday life. We say everyone from teenagers to mature adults can use the communication skills discussed in this wise book.

This little book can be a great help. We all have avoided conversations we knew were going to be difficult. Often not talking made things worse, so as things became intolerable we had the discussion and things got even worse. These authors break down the inner structure of difficult conversations and how we often mishandle them. They then show us the ways in which we can turn this into a constructive process that brings more understanding, greater cooperation, and learning that will help avoid repeating the difficulties in the future.

Certainly, I can't recap the whole book in this little review, but I especially like their concept of three conversations happening within each difficult conversation. They are the debate over what happened, the feelings conversation, and the identity issues. In the what happened conversation the problem is that each side assumes it knows the truth, that they know the other party's intentions, and that they know where and how to assign blame. Of course, all this is a fiction and a waste of time. It does nothing to fix the situation or improve the process to avoid the problem in the future. The book then shows you how to have a constructive approach to the same problem. Excellent stuff!

The authors are part of the Harvard Negotiation Project and has a foreword by one of the authors of the famous book, "Getting to Yes". The book is concise, but full of very good information. I recommend it very much.

Reviewed by Craig Matteson - Ann Arbor, MI

this book is well worth the read,
it is easy to get throught, and does not repeat itself.
You want to read the whole book.
nancy carlson

This book is used as a textbook at the Harvard MBA. Good tool for those messy conflicts

This is the most useful and comprehensive compendium of effective, research validated, communication concepts I have ever seen in one book. Useful for anyone who speaks with other humans, especially significant others, business colleagues and teenagers. If you are a coach, this reading is required. Difficult ideas presented in a way that makes them easy to understand and easy to apply.

Difficult Conversations, by Stone, Patton, and Heen, is a foundational book in the literature of holding difficult conversations in purposeful ways. I have read it often and use its principles in my teaching and in daily life. Underlying its principles is the simple understanding that we can get better at listening, talking, and acknowledging what is actually going on in our relationships; that we create the reality of our lives by the ways in which we talk about it; and that one conversation at a time, we can choose to work with the energy of conflict instead of avoiding it. There are many good books on this topic. I suggest reading them all, starting here.

Judy Ringer is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict

I have attempted to read this book 4 times over the past 5 years and have always failed. I have finally completed this book 2 days ago and found out that I have missed so much by completing it so late.
I have rated this book junk and advised others away from it but after completing it I found out that I was wrong. Maybe you could term this "difficult conversation" as well.

The author has concisely broken down the complex process into 3 distinct and digestible processes namely:
1. How to come to realise what actually happened,
2. Understand your own identity and its contribution to the problem at hand,
3. That all feelings, all parties should be expressed to have a meaningful and comprehensive conversation.

It is surprising that something so simple and existed for century should be misunderstood and until this book no one has clearly identified the process except for the symbols and symptoms.

Remember the saying, a battle is won only when you understand the enemy and plan strategically towards achieving it. If you believe this saga, then I advise you to read this book. Be determined to complete it so that you derive the most out of it and be unlike me to take 5 years to come to term and completed it.

Be flexible, difficult conversation is not restricted to verbal conversation, to me broaden it to non-verbal and even your own thinking and actions. Learn to actively use the skills learn here to all your daily routine and wish all success!

This is an excellent book. As a life coach working with couples, I was able to start using the ideas from this book from the very first day I started to read it. The examples are great and I was able to relate to many of them. It's amazing what a small shift in perspective when you first start a difficult conversation can have on the end result.

I recommend this book to all my clients and give it my top rating.

Eric P Landry

This book is worth your time. It will not solve all your problems though. There are some people who are set making a career out of being an A-hole. I got the book on CD's and listened to it about 5 times. The book teaches techniques in listening and speaking that one can use to disarm and reassure those around you. The effects I've experienced with "difficult people" are impressive. Even jerks will be caught off-guard for a while - you may not be able to get through every situation, but it's comforting that you have certainly given it your "best shot". This book shows how.

Try to see the other person's point of view. This book will also help you step into those conversations you know you should have, but are afraid of.

Gist of this audio-book: attempt to understand the other person's side, recognizing mutual causations of problems and only then working on their solutions. Most are solvable, but even when they're not, clearing the air properly beats living with a perpetual impasse.

Heavily involved - the difference in outlooks. People that work in the same office can be so different and live such different lifestyles that they may as well live on different planets. I once read a book someone else had liberally underlined - she had even added passionate comments in the margins. I thought it was a good book, too, but wasn't particularly impressed by the parts she was so enamored with. We may as well have read different books.

Differing perspectives spill over into every difficult conversation. Studies consistently show that humans are subject to biased thinking; building cases as to why we are right and ignoring evidence suggesting we are wrong. Each party is right if the issue is looked at only from their vantage point. All parties are entering the arena with vastly different data bases, so the first step is to be willing to be curious (not judgemental) about the other person's perspective.

I was once in a position to attend most of the committee meetings of a mid-sized company. Different aspects of several recurrent problems were repeatedly discussed among different mid-management players in different committees. It soon became obvious too me that certain major players desperately needed to understand each others perspectives. Unfortunately, these people rarely spoke to each other. On hot issues, they did talk at length with their friends, who invariably fortified their rather righteous positions. For any kind of resolution, a difficult conversation would have been called for - one requiring curiousity about the other points of view.

In the audio version, mini-dramas are acted out. In the first set-up, complete with confrontational dialogue, Jack has clearly been wronged by Michael. Once we are thoroughly on Jack's side, however, we hear from Michael and the contrasting views are astounding. Suddenly this CD has my attention.

Application of the principles from this CD has brought me immediate results. Some of the mini-dramas sound simplistic, but they aren't any more simplistic, or deeply felt, than the misunderstandings I observe frequently in life.

Downside: The organization of this CD set is not as good as its substance. For that, I subtracted a star.

Gist of this book: attempting to understand the other person's side, recognizing mutual causations of problems and only then working on their solutions. Most are solvable, but even when they're not, clearing the air properly beats living with a perpetual impasse.

Heavily involved - the difference in outlooks. People that work in the same office can be so different and live such different lifestyles that they may as well live on different planets. I once read a book someone else had liberally underlined and had even added passionate comments in the margins. I thought it was a good book, too, but wasn't really impressed by the parts she was so enamored with. She and I may as well have read different books.

Individual differences spill over into every difficult conversation. Studies consistently show that humans are subject to biased thinking; building cases as to why we are right and ignoring evidence suggesting we are wrong. Each party is right if the issue is looked at only from their perspective. All parties are entering the arena with vastly different data bases, so the first step is to be willing to be curious (not judgemental) about the other person's perspective.

I was once in a position to attend most of the committee meetings of a mid-sized company. Different aspects of several recurrent problems were repeatedly discussed among different mid-management players in different committees. It soon became obvious too me that certain major players desperately needed to understand each others perspectives. Unfortunately, these people rarely spoke to each other. On hot issues, they did talk at length with their friends, who invariably fortified their rather righteous positions. For any kind of resolution, a difficult conversation would have been called for.

In the audio version, mini-dramas are acted out. In the first set-up, complete with confrontational dialogue, Jack has clearly been wronged by Michael. Once we are thoroughly on Jack's side, however, we hear from Michael and the contrasting views are astounding. Suddenly this CD has my attention.

Application of the principles from this CD has brought me immediate results. Some of the mini-dramas sound simplistic, but they aren't any more simplistic, or deeply felt, than the misunderstandings I observe frequently in life.

The organization of this CD set is not as good as its substance. For that, I subtracted a star.

Gist of this audio-book: attempt to understand the other person's side, recognizing mutual causations of problems and only then working on their solutions. Most are solvable, but even when they're not, clearing the air properly beats living with a perpetual impasse.

Heavily involved - the difference in outlooks. People that work in the same office can be so different and live such different lifestyles that they may as well live on different planets. I once read a book someone else had liberally underlined - she had even added passionate comments in the margins. I thought it was a good book, too, but wasn't particularly impressed by the parts she was so enamored with. We may as well have read different books.

Differing perspectives spill over into every difficult conversation. Studies consistently show that humans are subject to biased thinking; building cases as to why we are right and ignoring evidence suggesting we are wrong. Each party is right if the issue is looked at only from their vantage point. All parties are entering the arena with vastly different data bases, so the first step is to be willing to be curious (not judgemental) about the other person's perspective.

I was once in a position to attend most of the committee meetings of a mid-sized company. Different aspects of several recurrent problems were repeatedly discussed among different mid-management players in different committees. It soon became obvious too me that certain major players desperately needed to understand each others perspectives. Unfortunately, these people rarely spoke to each other. On hot issues, they did talk at length with their friends, who invariably fortified their rather righteous positions. For any kind of resolution, a difficult conversation would have been called for.

In the audio version, mini-dramas are acted out. In the first set-up, complete with confrontational dialogue, Jack has clearly been wronged by Michael. Once we are thoroughly on Jack's side, however, we hear from Michael and the contrasting views are astounding. Suddenly this CD has my attention.

Application of the principles from this CD has brought me immediate results. Some of the mini-dramas sound simplistic, but they aren't any more simplistic, or deeply felt, than the misunderstandings I observe frequently in life.

Downside: The organization of this CD set is not as good as its substance. For that, I subtracted a star.

One more offshoot of "Getting To Yes." Worth the money and small time to read it because it puts you at ease with respect to how to have those necessary conversations you want to avoid but shouldn't. The title is exactly on the point.

This was an instructional book for a class I took on mediation and negociation. It was immensely helpful! By practicing the steps and working them into a variety of scenarios, the reader can begin to see success in their communication.

Most books offer a nice story and a way to reflect. Few books give aways a toolbox of tricks that can help you reshape the issuse so progress can prevail. This is a gem and a must for people who want to win in the game of life. Thank you Mr. Stone - Mr. Patton & Ms. Heen.

No one likes difficult conversations, but we must have them. This book guides you in dealing positively with these situations and conversations to make the best possible outcome.

This is a must read for anyone involved in communications - with your boss, your colleagues, your clients, your suppliers, your spouse or partner, your kids, your friends (have I missed anyone out?).
The book describes the 3 different levels of a conversation; the 'what happened' conversation, the 'feelings' conversation, and the 'identity' conversation. The joy is in the simplicity; we talk about 'what happened' but what we really mean is our feelings are hurt, or our identity has been questioned, and once we can sort it all out and speak truthfully about what is going on for us, it enables others to help us and understand us.
Its not an easy band aid and requires patience, tolerance, and a great deal of courage - but I think you'll agree that having truthful and open conversations would save us all a lot of pain and grief in the long term. So hurrah for this book for being easy to grasp, not jargoned, and very helpful.

Have you ever had a challenging conversation with a spouse, co-worker, friend, or family member that didn't turn out so well? Did you ever wonder how to best deal with a significant person in your life without causing stress when needing to approach a topic? The authors give great advise to handle most conversations that might otherwise cause stress.

I love this book. I loved it the first time I read it, the second time, the third, and more. It's a must for anyone interested in getting more from their relationships. An absolute must read!!!

I picked up this book on CD because the title intrigued me, and I had been noticing lately that I have any number of 'difficult' conversations in my life, one's that i just don't want to have. I consider myself a decent communicator, willing to confront any number of difficult subjects. I also have a couple of people in my life where I now, always have good conversations, no matter what the subject. I have been frustrated that my competence in some conversations did not seem to bleed through to other contexts. Most of the material I have read about communications seems to either be incredibly esoteric or so over simplifying that it is not useful. I found this book both incredibly useful and in a useable structure that addresses the very real complexities of something that I believe challenges most of us. I found myself able to retrieve and use the information easily.

Marina Kushner
Author
The Truth About Caffeine: How Companies That Promote It Deceive Us and What We Can Do about It

Ever dread having to hold a difficult conversation? I recommend this book for as "basic training" for anyone who has faced the prospect of speaking with bosses, co-workers, employees about negative workplace behaviors, skill deficits, attitude issues, interpersonal conflicts, or blind spots.

"Difficult Conversations" first explores the incompatible perspectives that create every difficult conversation and then explains how to deal with them. The authors show how to move from a destructive and frustrating interchange to what they call a "learning conversation." They offer the steps to help shift your perspective and the direction of your difficult conversations. The book is written from a general perspective, applicable to all communications, and it contains many examples from the workplace. Highly recommended.

Each time I read Difficult Conversations, I learn something new that is practical. A must read for anyone looking to improve their understanding of family, friends and others.

I'm writing this review of the 5-CD audiobook, not the book. The CD is a must-have, whether you've read the book or not. In it, actual examples are acted out of all kinds of conversations before and after the techniques are used. After listening to the CD I can easily recall what to do when I find myself suddenly in a difficult conversation, because i've actually heard it. Also, as you move through the sessions, the authors go just a bit deeper and deeper until one finds oneself admitting some very personal truths. I think the reviewer below who recommends Dale Carnegie instead didn't hear the CDs -- I didn't get the same result from Dale's books, as I have from listening to these CDs. The ultimate result of having listened to the series a few times? I don't get thrown off balance (their term) so often when I suddenly realize the other person is reacting negatively to what I thought was positive, and vice versa. I just switch into a different mode and many times, the person (either me or my companion) has forgotten they were upset at all.

Now for my complaints, which lost them a star: the CDs are extremely low budget. The packaging has no guide and the content within the CDs is not organized very professionally. There is no heading labeling each track, so if one has to stop listening one won't know where they left off. Also, sometimes a section that should be on its own track begins within a track, somewhere in the middle, so if you want to find where it begins, you have to go back and search for a while for the exact beginning of the idea. How they thought that was logical I don't know. And, they don't have a recording at the beginning of each CD so you know where you are, to help you in remembering so you can refer back to which CD has what you want. Finally, the voices used to herald new chapters/key points, are not consistent - so that it's easy to miss them as they go by, if you're doing something else at the same time. This is a major no-no in radio presentation, which I would have thought the experts at Harvard would be on top of.

i recently spent almost $300 of my own hard-earned cash to buy this book from amazon and mail my friends their own copies. yep, it's that good.

The author offer insightful tips for any communication difficulties. Stop arguing about who's right and who's wrong.
It provides step-by-step approach for understanding and conducting tough conversations. No more defensiveness and keep the conversation in a constructive track.

This is an excellent resource for talking about difficult topics, especially in areas that are highly charged e.g. in family life or in a couple.

While it covers the basics of negotiation, it also breaks down crucial conversations into component parts. This book really helped me to understand the underlying emotional dynamics of difficult conversations which are often hidden.

Two good books to go along with this are Getting to Yes and Crucial Conversations. They are all complimentary to each other.

Despite the overwhelmingly positive reviews here on Amazon, I really cant appreciate the value, usefulness or practicality of this book. The proposed framework, that each difficult conversation is really three (The "What Happened?", The "Feelings" and The "Identity") Conversations, is complicating rather than helping to solve the problem. You may think I am a contrarian or a poor communicator. However, with my very positive experience (and reviews) on books like "How to win friends and influence people?" by Dale Calegie, "Get anyone to do anything and never feel powerless again" by David J. Lieberman , "How to talk to anyone?" by Leil Lowndes and so on, I am obliged to warn potential buyers, in particular regular readers of relevant books, of a big disappointment.

Douglas Stone demonstrates great awareness of the subject matter. He states the principles and then illustrates them with powerful examples. He made me think of my own approach in difficult conversations. The person who buys this book will not regret the purchase.

Are you engaged in a relationship were the only communication possible is arguing? Are you resentful because you never know how to make your partner understand what you feel because of his or her actions? Then this book is for you. This is not about solving problems, it is about communication between two people, how to make a constructive conversation were you can understand and being understood. I read this book cover to cover when I got it last November (2005), and it is on my night stand ever since. I am having a difficult time with my wife, and although the book is not about how to solve the problems in a marriage I certainly have learned how avoid arguments, and how to engage in fruitful conversations. I found it so good that I always have an extra copy to give away to friends or relatives in trouble.

Maybe you have been thinking about conversations but, really, this is an enlightment. Maybe there are other methods worth of learning but this is a impressive dissection of what a conversation is, helping you to understand, perhaps for the first time, how to talk, how to chat, how to discuss, how to have a win-win conversation. There is an audiobook slightly abridged if you like.