As the mother of a stillborn son, I could not believe how well Elizabeth described so much of what I felt in that first year after my son died in labor. Thank-you Elizabeth for telling this story to help others understand.

This is the story of a very private and personal loss: the loss of Elizabeth McCracken's baby, stillborn, in the ninth month of what had been a fairly normal pregnancy. As an author, McCracken recognizes the healing powers of the written word and the need to put all of this down on paper. She has done a remarkable job. This is a poignant memoir told, not just with obvious sadness, but with a soft, healing humor as well.

McCracken was in her mid-thirties, and a self-professed spinster, "a woman no one imagined marrying," when she met the writer Edward Carey. Life changed; they fell in love, moved in together, travelled and lived in various locations, pursuing jobs and fellowships. After a few years, they married. They were living in France, working on their respective books, when Elizabeth discovered that she was pregnant. All seemed fine until the end of the pregnancy when things suddenly went terribly wrong and Elizabeth had to go through the agony of delivering her stillborn son. For most of us, the pain and sadness described is unfathomable. McCracken tells us that after the baby they'd been calling Pudding dies, "what was killing was how nothing had changed. We'd been waiting to be transformed, and now here we were, back in our old life."

It is difficult not to shed tears as this story unfolds. Joy and hope are such a huge part of any pregnancy; we see only the future. There is no emotional roadmap with which we come equipped to deal with such loss. Elizabeth shares the ways that she and her husband have come through with the love and support of their families and friends. "To know that other people were sad made Pudding more real," she writes. The story reminded me of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. Both memoirs describe such a deep personal loss and to me, the absolute need to write the story. This memoir has the quality of a journal--it is just so personal.

McCracken and her husband are now the parents of a second child, Gus, born one year and five days after Pudding. Gus, as McCracken points out, is not a "miracle baby" as some might say about "stories like ours," but "a nice everyday baby." Theirs is now a "happy life, and someone is missing."

by Janet Caplan
for Story Circle Book Reviews
reviewing books by, for, and about women

An Exact Replica....in coming across the review for this book my heart skipped a beat. I knew I HAD to read it. Having our first child stillborn brings a connection to the full understanding of what this book is all about! I had goose bumps reading reviews and was chomping at the bit waiting for the book to arrive. We had a healthy son 18 months after the stillbirth of our baby Grace but still nothing will ever replace her! I can remember the day, exactly a year prior to Pudding's birth, as though it was yesterday. This book had me crying, laughing and being right where I wanted to be.
Elizabeth McCracken is right on with this portrayal and more importantly it is a loving and fantastic memoir to her beloved Pudding.
You'll never put this book down!

McCracken's memoir is at once an elegy to her first, stillborn child, and a love song to her second,live born son. Her writing is lyrical, a slow dance weaving back and forth between the two pregnancies. The trepidation accompanying a subsequent pregnancy is eloquently and accurately expressed. She is adamant that the live birth of her second son does not erase the still birth of her first.

McCracken successfully documents the often nebulous experience of bereaved families in her closing words: "It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing." That and is important, as it affirms the experience of bereaved families that it is possible to grieve and remember while celebrating new life. Her book is a testament to love and hope, a song of grief and joy.

As a Mom who lost her first-born son at the age of 19, I have read many books pertaining to child loss. This book will stay with me forever as one of the most honest and soul baring accounts coming as close as you can to what it is like.

My husband and I lost our first baby (a girl) when I was 36 years old and 39 weeks pregnant. Elizabeth McCracken's brilliant writing style and ability to capture both the enormity of her own identical tragedy, as well as to offer a sense of restored joy in the memory of "Pudding" was cathartic to read. I felt as though I could have written several pages of this book myself. I am grateful that such a gifted writer had the courage to relive her own nightmare in such a way that enables any reader, whether or not they've been through such a tragedy, some insight into the cunning and unpredictable side of the reproductive world and to serve as a voice for those of us who have. In a society that treats this entire topic as taboo, this book is a welcome addition.

-K Van Dyke, San Jose, CA

I first discovered this book in Oprah magazine, excerpted as an essay and what struck me besides the absolute beauty and starkness of the language was the understanding, the grace, the simplicity of the words and the complexity of the words all at the same time.

I will just quote Elizabeth here at the beginning of her memoir:

"A child dies in this book: a baby. A baby is stillborn. You don't have to tell me how sad that is: it happened to me and my husband, our baby, a son."

And that, my friends, is the beginning of a book that takes your breath away with sadness, with laughter, with hope, and with the ultimate faith in life.

Is it a book for parents whose children have died? I don't know. I am reading it. I put it down several times a day. I will read it. My husband may not. He doesn't like sad books anymore. He doesn't like books or stories where babies die. He doesn't find comfort in that. I somehow still do.

And because I first discovered Elizabeth in The Giant's House, a novel that sings, I know that I cannot be disappointed in her writing. And because Ann Patchett and Alice Sebold love McCracken's writing, well then, that also says a great deal. And because I think, Elizabeth's first love is of the literary genre, it too is evidenced here.

But of course there is a paradox because the book, however lovely, is here because her son is not. And that will always be the real tragedy.

Do I have any disappointments about the book? Only one. When I picked it up, it was lighter than I expected, and I realized in that moment, that I wanted it to weigh a healthy eight pounds. I wanted to hold it in my arms and rock it. And that perhaps is all that is left to be said except for this:

Go and buy the book!

It's easy to write a book about a baby's death; the minute we hear or read "a baby's death," the subject matter alone will evoke the stock emotions we know that come from something so traumatic - heartache, despair, tears, senselessness, depression...the list goes on infinitely.

What's not easy is writing that story in a way that gets at the heart of the true emotions beneath the ones we so easily rely on. What Elizabeth McCracken does so wonderfully in her memoir "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" is unflinchingly real and will break your heart and make you hope all in one breath. It's not just the painful story of her baby's death; it's also the true, minute details of thought, of feeling, of reaction that most people don't talk about. It's not just the painful story of her baby's death; it's also the story of moving on yet holding on, of loving but learning to let go, of learning to accept the new beautiful things in your life (like the birth of a beautiful baby boy) while learning the ongoing process of forgiveness. It is the epitome of how LIFE GOES ON and how we should never forget what we've lost but embrace it, accept it, and take pockets of it for good memories to help us when the sadness and heartache invades.

Elizabeth McCracken is an award winning, happily single author in her late thirties. But when she meets Edward Carey, they fall in love and get married. Both have wanderlust and it is in France where she disover she is expecting their first child. They spend an idyllic nine months waiting for the birth of "Pudding", the pet name given to the unborn baby boy.

However, tragedy strikes at the eleventh hour. McCracken's son is stillborn.

How does one deal with such sorrow? How do you go forward?

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination is the story of that pregnancy and loss, written after birth of her second child, a little more than a year later.

"This is the happiest story in the world with the saddest ending."

I felt like I was privy to McCracken's journal, reading of the joy, anticipation, hurt, anger and grief that she and her husband went through. She is unwavering in her honesty, sharing her most intimate thoughts and emotions.

I haven't (yet) read any of her novels, but was captured by the way she uses words to paint vivid descriptions.

" Just then another would-be renter showed up, a yellow-clad lawyer from Boston, with wooden skin and leaden hair and the official dreary insinuating underfed brittle aura of a number 2 pencil".

Whether you are a parent or not, this is a personal and moving memoir that will touch you.

I've never had a baby. That may be in the cards one day, but it's not something my husband and I have planned for anytime soon. So you might ask: how can this book, about a woman who loses her unborn child, speak to me?

The answer? I don't know. But what I can tell you is that this book is amazing. It is simple and beautiful; a tribute to a child that didn't quite make it into the world. It is a work of enduring and unconditional love from a mother to a child. Though I haven't been a mother, I have been a child and I have seen the quality of that love firsthand. It pours from each page, love and grief mixed into one.

However, somehow the book is still joyful and full of hope. On every page, as the reader takes in McCracken's unfathomable sense of loss, there is also hope. Don't get me wrong - it is sometimes difficult to read. I found myself tearing up more than once. But the book is so unflinchingly honest, so real, that it feels like real life. There are all the emotions present, mixed in with the grief.

I can't recommend this book highly enough. It is beautifully written, honest, emotional, and full of the wonder of life. It is McCracken's tribute to her unborn child, so that she, and everyone else, will always remember what she had and what she lost.

I wonder if when Elizabeth McCracken writes on page 112 that she "flipped through stacks of magazines until I found a copy of O, with a cheerful, childless Oprah Winfrey on the front" if she knew that Oprah gave birth to a stillborn boy when she was just fourteen years old?

I have never been pregnant but I have grieved, and though I wish Elizabeth McCracken had never had cause to write this book, I am also grateful she did. It's a beautiful book about life, about death, about the way that neither sorrow nor joy are absolutes, about taking one step forward and two steps back and standing stock still all at the same time. She writes, ". . . grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving. . . " This book is for anyone who has grieved and anyone who has been the sympathetic one. This book is, simply, for all of us.

As the mother of four children, two of whom died hours after they were born, I just knew I had to read Elizabeth McCracken's story after reading a magazine review. The story is honest and straight from the heart. Reading her journey of Pudding's life during her pregnancy and subsequent death, I took comfort from her words, knowing that there's no right or wrong way to handle yourself & your grief after the loss of a child. As she asked herself "What if..." I found myself remembering those exact same questions, knowing deep down that there really was nothing that could have changed the sad outcome. I respect and admire the strength and courage it took for her to share her story and am grateful for being given the chance to relive my children's short lives and subsequent deaths with sadness and a hint of joy. They are, after all, a part of our family and Pudding will always be Elizabeth's "first born." As she questioned herself that first Mother's Day, I nodded my head and said aloud "Yes -- you are a Mother and deserve to celebrate this day with Mothers everywhere."

The story is beautifully written with words the flow gently, accurately describing the pain and sorrow and hope she & her husband felt that entire year after Pudding's death. I felt as if I knew Elizabeth personally and shared in her happiness after the birth of Gus. I am certain he will come to know his big brother "Pudding" and will be grateful for the role he played in bringing Gus into this world.

Thank you for sharing your story Elizabeth. You are an inspiration to mother's everywhere, especially those of us who have gone through similar situations and for those who may not have the courage to share their story.

Elizabeth McCracken
ISBN: 9780316027670
Little, Brown and Co., 2008
5 Stars
Beautifully written...
"This is the happiest story in the world with the saddest ending." Elizabeth McCracken courageously shares her pain at giving birth to a stillborn child and the joy at the birth of a healthy child.
Pregnancy was a happy time for the couple. When Pudding was still born, they never expected the sun to shine again. McCracken shares the deep pain. Her words paint a picture of her great grief. She shares the self-doubt and the self-incrimination. With the second pregnancy came anxiety and joy. McCracken's story is one many women can relate to. She clearly displays the emotions she faced. Her style is conversational. This is not an easy book to read. McCracken made me feel her pain. The birth of Pudding will leave you sad. However, hope and joy triumph in the end with the birth of Gus. Gus could never replace Pudding, but he has his own place in life.

This is one of the most powerful books I've read in quite some time. It is easily read in a day. Once you start, you won't want to put it down. There is a huge amount of emotional vulnerability and honesty in this short memoir, which makes for an extraordinarily engaging read.

From the beginning, the reader knows about the tragic and heartbreaking ending of McCracken's first pregnancy. We know what happened, but we're not quite sure about the details leading up to the point where she received the news that her unborn baby had died. McCracken makes you feel that you need to know. You need to understand exactly what happened. But she takes her time, giving you the background first.

McCracken goes back and forth between past and present. How she met her husband (who is surely an angel, by the way), how they lived in various countries on various continents, how they ended up living in France at the time of her pregnancy. She is all over the place in terms of the timeline of events, which might be distracting, EXCEPT for the fact that all the jumping around somehow seemed appropriate given the subject matter of this book. Because this book is about grief, and let's face it: grief is messy.

One of the aspects of this book that stands out the most in my mind is the author's feelings about the reactions of her friends and family. What expressions of sympathy gave her strength and courage, and what left her cold? This memoir was written a little over a year after her first baby died in utero, and shortly after the birth of her second child. McCracken is painfully honest about who responded how. She addresses the few people who reacted in an unforgivable way, but more importantly, she recounts the loving expressions of sympathy from friend after friend that sustained her. I think there is something to learn here, about what we need most from our friends and relatives when we are grieving.

It might seem like this is a depressing book, but it's not. I think McCracken wrote this memoir to memorialize both her first child and her own experience. I don't think she wants closure. She makes it very clear in the book that she wants to remember her first child always and every day. The book is a tribute, and a beautiful one at that.