I didn't know what was wrong with my marriage, but I knew I was unhappy. At least once a week I found myself telling my husband, "Don't talk to me like that. It makes me feel bad." But he didn't stop. It just got worse.

These kind of relationships are poison because you are being emotionally abused.

Day by day you grow more and more less confident and uneasy...but you can't understand why.

Please, if you think you are being mistreated...you probably are.

Read this book so that you have a better understanding of what is going on in your relationship. Seek professional help, go to the nearest women's shelter if you need help or affordable counseling.

This book is a great start for someone trying to understand what verbal abuse is about and why it happens. After being in a 10 year relationship and not being able to figure out why it wasn't working - this book helped to explain a lot.

It is written in a way that easy to read and understand - gradually introducing terms and phrases that are used throughout the book.

It has not only helped for me to understand a past relationship but will help for me to recognize verbally abusive characteristics in people that I may meet in the future.

Thank you.

My husband of 20 years was cleaning out some old books to give away and told me that I could look through them to see if I wanted any before he packed them up. I found this book by Patricia Evans in the pile and wondered why he had the book. I took it out of the pile and started reading it and couldn't stop until I was finished. I recognized my husband's behavior and our personal dynamics in it. I had tried everything over the years to stop his anger outbursts and name-calling -- everything -- and couldn't figure out why an intelligent, aware person like me couldn't help him understand how much it hurt me. I thought he wanted to stop, and he must have had some inkling of his problem, because he bought the book at some point. But he didn't read it. After reading this book myself, I know he doesn't really want to stop and he can't stop. Wow. My worldview is totally different now and I feel empowered to do what is right for me.

The next day (today), I ordered this book for my sister (whom I suspect is in a verbally abusive relationship) and my daughter-in-law, who is studying to become a therapist. I want them both to get as much out of the book as I did. It positively changed my life.

When I was considering buying this book, I read the reviewer who said she read it on a Monday and filed for divorce on Friday. I thought WOW, that's a pretty powerful book! It took me a little longer to leave - 4 months. If you even think you are in an abusive relationship, I cannot recommend this book enough. Verbal abuse might not even involve yelling or name calling - it can be very, very subtle. The main thing is to look at how you feel in the relationship - not at what your partner is telling you you should feel. A marriage isn't a prison sentence. This book was right on target in describing all of the different types of verbal abuse and how the partner of a verbal abuser feels. It also had some great suggestions for how to move forward.

After YEARS of living with a verbally abusive man (40 to be exact) I read this book.. I saw myself in this book and him as what he was.. For years I was on antidepressants, anxiety meds and suffered from high blood pressure.. I could NOT understand why I couldn't cope.. I picked up this book,read it all the way through... and THEN started taking up for MYSELF... whenever he contradicted everything I would say, whenever my joy or my accomplishments were met with a blank stare Or
whenever he would emotionally check out.. I would stop him.. Put my hand in his face ...say STOP this is crazy making annnnd I know where you are coming from.. Now things are POSITIVELY changing..

I have only read one negative review of this book and that was Probably from a man who engages in this counterproductive and abusive behavior himself. Those men Like my husband are threatened by a book like this for exposing them for the bullies they are.. A marriage / relationship should be a partnership, not a GAME of one upmanship.. I asked my husband just today.. does it make you feel better about yourself to contradict EVERYTHING I say.. Verbal abuse is hurtful, hateful, scarring and should not be tolerated by any one especially women who have give their lives,, sacrificed their own happiness for the ones they love. It should NOT be tolerated, and at the very least the women should be given the love and respect of all the men in their lives,,they should NOT be demeaned or degraded by the men who claim they love them..THIS BOOK IS A WAKE-UP CALL and should be read by women and ALL the men who engage in this sort of behavior.

this is an excellent book that really pinpoints the issues and behaviors. It is scary to note that the behaviors of abuse are so universal that you may think the book iw written about you. Being able to identify the behaviors AND your reactions to them is helpful to to get clarity, and start addressing the situation. It gives you the confidence to trust your gut - your gut is always right.

I was given this book some years ago and couldn't put it down until I had finished it. Some really great insights and positive ways of dealing with verbal abuse. I had no idea that there was so many kinds of verbal abuse so would definately recommend it to anyone going through the trauma of this kind. It certainly changed my views of handling verbal abuse and gave me tools that gave me back my power.

Most definently thee best book that I have read on this subject. A must read for anyone who is in a relationship and struggling with this type of abuse. It will clear your mind and provide you with information that will truly empower you.

I often lend this book because I believe the insights will be a great relief to those who, like I once did, constantly adjust to criticism until they feel they are dancing to a tune played by a crazy person. In my first marriage, I read every book on relationships, saw at least five different marriage counselors with my husband, and heard lots of horrible advice, often from people whose own marriages were miserable.

This is an perceptive author who helps discern that some couples are not really couples, and some arguments are situations where the "winner" gets to continue to argue, because venting on their partner is the sole purpose of the argument, regardless of what the subject appears to be, and any attempt to resolve the argument is a threat to the "relationship."

The one area where the author has been a disappointment is in her certainty that all or nearly all abusers are men, and all victims of abuse are women. This sad stereotype is completely untrue, and it is a disservice to good men and all women to perpetuate it.

Therefore, if you are a man, remember that for most of the last century, it was considered proper and preferred form for writers to use the words "he, him, and his" to mean "he or she, him or her, and his or hers" Gender neutral writing was considered awkward, unnecessary, and silly. Women found it difficult sometimes to remember that "he" could be a woman, but we read and learned from those books anyway.

Please allow your 21st century understanding to recognize that in every case, "He" could be "Her" and if you are a man, then "She" could be you.

Verbal abuse kills your soul one word at a time. This book helped me realize that no amount of explaining on my part would ever get through to my husband how his words damaged me and others. After 20 years, it hit me that he will never change. Please realize that verbal abusers can be women as well as men (the author doesn't emphasize this enough). All in all, this is the most helpful book I have ever read. It saved my life and my soul.Too Good for Her Own Good: Searching for Self and Intimacy in Important Relationships

This book was instrumental in my recovery during and after divorce. It was given to me by a coworker who had read it and found it most helpful. I had no idea that verbal abuse was this prevalant in our society. The book really helped me gain insight into my ex husband and consistently provided me with reassurance that I made the right decision to leave the relationship. Please consider purchasing The Verbally Abusive Relationship for yourself or for someone you love. I am buying a third copy to give to a coworker whose sister is just emerging from a toxic relationship. This book was the key that opened the door to my new life.

This book was like reading a chapter out of my life. When I read the checklist on behaviors, and could check 7 or 8 things off, I knew I had to act to change my life. I would read a passage and say, "Oh my God, that is me." I felt the worst when I read about what living in a verbally abusive relationship does to my children. I wish I could have started the response techniques that were written, but after 25 years, I figured it was too late to start. He has moved out, and I am beginning to find peace in my own home. I don't know what the future holds, but I will never be treated like that again!

The book is good for what it's worth, but it doesn't address alcoholism at all. The first thing a partner of a verbal abuser should consider is whether there is alcoholism involved. Then it's a whole other issue!

I found this book informational, and it validated much of my experience with a verbally abusive ex-partner. However, I found the author's suggestions for dealing with the abuse, frankly - laughable. You don't tell an angry, abusive man on a rant/rage to just "stop it" in a firm voice and expect results. I have found that standing up for oneself in this way often escalates the abuse and puts a woman in even more danger - emotionally & physically. The only thing that EVER worked for me was to physically remove myself from the situation, and/or to end the relationship. I found this book of very little practical value.

I was called every name in the book by my alcoholic husband. He even criticized me because I peeled a cucumber "wrong"!! I have a Masters Degree in my field. He would tell me things that were in my OWN field. As Toby Rice Drews says in her book, "Getting Them Sober" ----- Getting Them Sober: You Can Help! (Getting Them Sober)"if Florence Nightingale was married to an alcoholic, he would have her convinced that she was a terrible nurse." Many of our verbal abusers have drinking problems and we don't often even recognize that it's alcoholism ---- but verbal abuse and alcoholism often go hand in hand. (According to the National Institute of Health, half of all American families have active alcoholism.) After years of being verbally abused and nitpiked to death---I began to doubt that I could do the most ordinary mundane tasks. Then I found the book, "Getting Them Sober" --- it gave me hundreds of practical ways to protect myself against abuse of all kinds. (No wonder 'dear Abby' endorsed the book, and wrote "this book should be read by everyone").

This book is phenomenal! Whether you are the perpetrator of the abuse or the victim of it, you will find solid information about -- and vital insights into -- this sometimes insidious problem. If you haven't already recognized a verbally abusive relationship that you are in, you will see it immediately upon reading Patricia Evans' book. If you have realized that you are being verbally abused, you will learn how to effectively respond to it. And, then, when it's all said and done, as a knowing victim of the abuse, you will see that this book will offer you the tremendously needed hope that you can and will recover. I highly recommend this book.

I DO recommend this book for anyone questioning their relationship for verbal abuse. I was a bit disappointed by the lollipop/bubblegum examples given for relationship discussions, but they were obvious enough to be understood and can easily be applied with some adjustments. I just felt that it seemed directed to people who were older rather than the general middle age group. I have other books from this author which I will be reading as well and hope to get more insight out of the material written.

First off, let me start by saying that I'm a guy. I had a time in my life where I became someone I didn't want to be. I somehow lost my way, and I was becoming the "verbal abuser" described in this book until I realized that I was turning into a monster and changed all of that. Knowing if you're in an abusive relationship is extremely hard, especially since there are usually no witnesses to the abusive behavior. I can tell you from experience that everything Patricia Evans says about "verbal abusers" is completely true and she does a wonderful job explaining it. I've seen reviews from guys where they say that the book is a whole bunch of dangerous lies. Just like the author says, these "abusers" try to mitigate anything that shows them as an abuser. This is why you see such reviews. Unfortunately, not everyone has seen the error of his/her ways like I have.

This book is extremely informative. It not only allows you to diagnose your partner to see if he/she is abusive, but it also explains why, how come and shows basically every scenario possible so all your questions are answered. For any of you that even THINK you may be in an abusive relationship, guy or girl, I strongly suggest this book. After all, 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime (source:www.ndvh.org). This book probably saved my friend's life because she was that 1 out of 3 and it just pained me to see her so helpless. I owe the author so much just for that. I now recommend this book to anyone that has problems with abuse. Thank you so much, Patricia Evans.

I've never written an Amazon review before, but this book changed my life and I feel the need to share.

Abuse isn't always obvious - sometimes it's very subtle and insidious. This book helps you see through the fog and gives words to what you are feeling.

If you even *think* you might be in an abusive relationship, get this book.

Pure Psychobabble - Unfortunate but True

Evans had a golden opportunity to address the issue of verbal abuse but failed miserably in every conceivable manner. Read this book only if you want to read constant male-bashing on nearly every page. Her writing is also heavily influenced by her personal religious beliefs (read the bibliography closely).

Evans provides no alternative explanations; no other viewpoints, no other possibilities; no other considerations other than her unsubstantiated opinions. Here are a few quotations that exemplify her bare-faced, anti-male bias:
1) "Without men willing to change we would have no change in the world."
2) ". . . it's about men changing because I have never seen a woman, who is really abusive to her mate, change."
3) "Men are their own best authority on their experience of verbal abuse in relationships and would be the ones to best describe their experience. I have little if any information on this topic. From what I have heard it seems that men most often experience Verbal Abuse in the culture at large." You may want to carefully reread that last quotation. Her statement is nothing short of astounding.

In this single sentence, Evans manages to undo every argument, premise and "fact" she presents in her entire book. "Men are their own best authority on their experience of verbal abuse in relationships," but (in her words) men are in denial, are not willing to change, are not motivated, are angry, refuse to discuss feelings, feel good about verbal abuse, act like nothing happened, like control, and feel happy. Absurd does not begin to describe this book.

Evans repeatedly presents wholesale opinions as if they facts. She presents no support or evidence other than rhetorical and anecdotal stories. She plays with the emotions of her readers. Please be aware that Evans has no relevant education, training, qualifications or credentials.

Evans states that this book "is based upon my interviews of 40 verbally abused women." She obviously loaded her sample to ensure her desired results. She then makes a sham of statistics by extrapolating her "results" to the entire population of men. She has no understanding of statistical methodology. Evans cherry-picks information and definitions that support her position while excluding other highly relevant information. She peppers numerous logical and pragmatic fallacies throughout. Evans displays extreme naivety and a lack of basic research in many parts of her book.

In a major blunder, Evans completely ignores discussing mental illness which can be a very a significant factor in what she dismissively labels as verbal abuse. This can be true for both partners in a relationship. Given her generous use of absolutes in defaming much of the behavior of men, she has probably done a gross disservice to women by encouraging them to leave a relationship that could have been saved. This book is painfully and obviously written by a woman to women. Do yourself a favor and look elsewhere.

P.s.: I emailed her twice asking for information and providing her the opportunity to respond to and to clarify some of my questions. She never responded.

This pretty much summed up my marriage. Anyone who thinks they may be in an abusive relationship or if the relationship just seems to have taken and elusive 'wrong' turn should read this book. I helped me to recognize what had and was happening and gave me the way to find the strength to deal with it.

I bought this book one night of being insulted and degraded by my husband. After it arrived, I didn't even want to read it at first, but once I started I couldn't put it down. The examples and antedotes resonated with me. It gave me the courage to realize that I was not alone.

I recommend this book to any person who thinks they may be in an abusive relationship. Be strong, and find a good lawyer!

I bought this book one night of being insulted and degraded by my husband. After it arrived, I didn't even want to read it at first, but once I started I couldn't put it down. The examples and antedotes resonated with me. It gave me the courage to realize that I was not alone.

I recommend this book to any person who thinks they may be in an abusive relationship. Be strong, and find a good lawyer!

Seller was very good, fast and reasonably priced.

Book is good and helpful

I read this entire book at my wife's request - but the book was thrown against the wall more than once. I guess if you listen to this pompous and self-righteous author, that makes me an abuser. Of course, her main point was that if I am a man, I am an abuser. You could hear the bitterness of her probably coming from a bad relationship.

Of course women love this book. According to his author, a women is not responsible for her own happiness, her husband is. You don't have to get very far into the book to see her ridiculous list of things that identify an abusive husband - she's not happy, she doesn't feel understood, she is confused, her husband gets angry, her husband doesn't tell her his feelings, her husband tells her his feelings.

Then you go on to some more indicators. What "red flags" should a woman look for to call her husband an abuser? If he brings her gifts, if he takes her to a nice restaraunt, if he says he loves her, if he doesn't understand her, if she doesn't understand him, if he talks to her, if he doesn't talk to her, if he asks her if everything is OK, if he pays too much attention to her, if he doesn't pay enough attention to her.

Then this author goes on with the feel-good psycho-babble. If you feel it - it is true. Do you feel alone - you have been abandoned. Do you feel sad - you are abused. Do you feel like you don't understand your husband - you are being deceived.

How did she get the information for this book? By talking to women - only women. Not one single man. She didn't determine if what the woman was telling her was accurate or a complete fictional account. Why wouldn't she talk to men? Because we're all abusers - why would she waste her time talking to any of us. This bitter lady is a certified man-hater and it appears to be her goal in life to break up as many marriages as possible.

She offers about 3 pages on how to keep a relationship together - but not before telling the woman that the only real solution is to leave your husband if he is an abuser - and we're all abusers. She goes on and on about how there is almost no chance whatsoever salvaging a marriage, so you might as well divorce your husband and live alone for the rest of your life.

This is a horrible hate-filled book and it saddens me how many marriages this bitter woman will destroy.

My daughter said, "How does one study verbal abuse? The abuser denies it". So, this book is soooo helpful in describing the situation. Finally, someone understands! The author puts into words experiences so many have, yet cannot share. Not being able to share and be understood is a prison to the soul. The author also has some answers, and I'm sure more will come, even from the reader! If you think you're crazy, the "only one" who is unable to relate to your spouse, or a failure as a woman/spouse, a must read!

This book is very "text bookish" and I feel it would be beneficial to have written this book as more of a story line and not so much repetition. I was hopefull that Patricia could have focused more on the "abuser" becoming less abusive and more cooperative with his mate. I do like the short questionares she recommends to take to determine an abusive status in a relationship. There is truely much to gain by this book, but I feel a more personable approach would have been better.

With friends and family trying to convince me to stay with my husband...because he was the life of the party, so sweet and kind to them, and because I would be homeless and penniless if I left...
This book saved my life. I went from a "full-of-life" woman to a weak and depressed shell-of-a-person. I was so sad and exhausted from his verbal abuse that I didn't want to go on living.
So here I am, homeless and penniless..with nothing but the clothes on my back and Patrica's book under my arm. At least I know I am not crazy and that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
With all my heart...thank you.

Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.

Patricia Evans has provided a lot of good information in this book. There is no doubt that some men are abusive toward their wives. There is never any excuse for such bad behavior. However, despite what Ms. Evans says, there are wives who are just as abusive toward their husbands. The examples Ms. Evans provides in this book are so ridiculous that they seem to be fictional accounts created to substantiate her position. This, combined with the tremendous gender bias with which she addresses the problem, deals a catastrophic blow to any credibility with which she began the work. There will, without doubt, be some people who will be helped by this book. I am very pleased for them. Sadly, there will also be many people who's marriages and lives will be devastated by the presumptiveness with which this book is written. Where the presumption of guilt is made in error and the reality is that the husband is the one being abused, this book is a nemesis to the possibility of healing and reconciliation in a marriage. It is not appropriate to say it is okay for this book to err in one direction because other works have erred in another direction. All works should seek truth and accuracy. In fact, there are no books that I can find that address the very real problem of abuse of husbands by their wives. Does no one think it occurs - or is it simply politically incorrect to address the issue headon? Ms. Evans hasn't done anything noteworthy here. She has simply paddled the boat of male-bashing a little further down the societal river of political correctness. Read this book for what it does provide, but be generous with substituting pronouns.

What one must watch out for after learning the tools there are to be learned in this book is that they don't become insensitive and abusive themselves.

If you not sure about your relationship with the man you are with and he make you feel like everything that is wrong and you are the reason I would suggest you read this book and after you read it, compare it to what you are going through. For 25 years I didn't know this is what I was dealing with and now that I have, I'm a better person and know that I can reconize this type of abuse in anyone now that I meet.
I totally recommend this book.

The author's first venture into interpersonal theory has sold over a half-million copies for a good reason: She's boiled a lot of sophisticated concepts down to words of one and two syllables and made them sufficiently concrete for lay readers who can identify to be able to move a long way down the road towards grasp or resolution of "creeping masochism."

Save for the wholly sadistic socio- and psychopaths, of course, we all have the potential to follow our socialized approval-seeking a little too far into disowning the self, if we hook up with the wrong partner. One who operates a bit too much like ma or dad did before we were old enough to grasp our sense of boundaries and their invasions of them can march right over our appropriate ego defenses.

Melody Beattie's work on codependence touches on, and, at points here and there, investigates TVAR's themes, but not in this degree of depth or detail. Evans explores notions devised and discussed over the years by Alfred Adler, Harry Stack Sullivan, Karen Horney, Gergory Bateson, Donald Winnicott, Erich Fromm, Nathaniel Branden, Paul Watzlawick, Alice Miller, Scott Peck, Timmen Cermak, Theodore Millon, Michael Stone, Reid Melloy, Glenn Gabbard, Robert Hare, Albert Bernstein and Sam Vaknin. But by placing them in the context of a largely female readership's experiential perspective, she makes it possible for the ego-depleted victim of Sullivan's "parataxical integrations," Bateson's "double binds," Watzlawick's "paradoxical injunctions" and Horney's "tyranny of the shoulds," to grasp her captor's manipulations and start to slip out their knots. (A later, companion volume, Evans's Controlling People, might well complete the task for many.)

Therapists may do well to recommend these books to those whose DSM dependent personality disorder has turned fully masochistic and parataxical. In doing so, however, the therapist will have to read them to see how Evans describes the subjects, as she uses terminology and illustrations different from those to which most professionals are accustomed. Nor does she examine the manner in which dependent masochists develop their schema (at least not in TVAR; she does more of that in CP).

In a world of "production imperative," I fear that many clients will read a book like TVAR and think they've "got it" when they don't; fail to explore the distorted, cognitive learning and dysfunctional attachments underlying their capacities to bond with abusers; walk out of an abusive relationship they have come to be able to see... and right into another one they cannot. Unless or until those bonding schemes are dealt with (something Evans explores in more detail in CP), I think further recycling of them (a la Bessel van der Kolk's notions) is likely.

Nevertheless, TVAR seems an excellent, if carefully qualified and guided, platform for adjunct therapy "homework" for dependent masochists, especially if followed up with Evans's more recent work, in an overall scheme like personality guided, rational emotive, cognitive appraisal or interpersonal reconstructive therapy.

The author's first venture into interpersonal theory has sold over a half-million copies for a good reason: She's boiled a lot of sophisticated concepts down to words of one and two syllables and made them sufficiently concrete for lay readers who can identify to be able to move a long way down the road towards grasp or resolution of "creeping masochism."

Save for the wholly sadistic socio- and psychopaths, of course, we all have the potential to follow our socialized approval-seeking a little too far into disowning the self, if we hook up with the wrong partner. One who operates a bit too much like ma or dad did before we were old enough to grasp our sense of boundaries and their invasions of them can march right over our appropriate ego defenses.

Melody Beattie's work on codependence touches on, and, at points here and there, investigates TVAR's themes, but not in this degree of depth or detail. Evans explores notions devised and discussed over the years by Alfred Adler, Harry Stack Sullivan, Karen Horney, Gergory Bateson, Donald Winnicott, Erich Fromm, Nathaniel Branden, Paul Watzlawick, Alice Miller, Scott Peck, Timmen Cermak, Theodore Millon, Michael Stone, Reid Melloy, Glenn Gabbard, Robert Hare, Albert Bernstein and Sam Vaknin. But by placing them in the context of a largely female readership's experiential perspective, she makes it possible for the ego-depleted victim of Sullivan's "parataxical integrations," Bateson's "double binds," Watzlawick's "paradoxical injunctions" and Horney's "tyranny of the shoulds," to grasp her captor's manipulations and start to slip out their knots. (A later, companion volume, Evans's Controlling People, might well complete the task for many.)

Therapists may do well to recommend these books to those whose DSM dependent personality disorder has turned fully masochistic and parataxical. In doing so, however, the therapist will have to read them to see how Evans describes the subjects, as she uses terminology and illustrations different from those to which most professionals are accustomed. Nor does she examine the manner in which dependent masochists develop their schema (at least not in TVAR; she does more of that in CP).

In a world of "production imperative," I fear that many clients will read a book like TVAR and think they've "got it" when they don't; fail to explore the distorted, cognitive learning and dysfunctional attachments underlying their capacities to bond with abusers; walk out of an abusive relationship they have come to be able to see... and right into another one they cannot. Unless or until those bonding schemes are dealt with (something Evans explores in more detail in CP), I think further recycling of them (a la Bessel van der Kolk's notions) is likely.

Nevertheless, TVAR seems an excellent, if carefully qualified and guided, platform for adjunct therapy "homework" for dependent masochists, especially if followed up with Evans's more recent work, in an overall scheme like personality guided, rational emotive, cognitive appraisal or interpersonal reconstructive therapy.

After dealing with an abusive relationship for so long, this book is an eye-opener. Another really good book is This Can't Be Love! by Patricia Goins. Not only will you not be able to put the book down, but it is also a life changing novel!

What an eye-opening book for me, a person who felt like there was something wrong but blamed myself. I thought I was just not good enough. I wish I had the information years ago so I could have prevented some of the self-loathing I had because I didn't understand what was happening. I think this book is FANTASTIC and it's easy to read and so interesting! I've made some big changes in a 40 year relationship because of reading it! I've also come to realize I've let other people verbally abuse me my entire life because of not recognizing what was being done to me. That will never happen to me again!

I am a licensed marriage counselor, PhD with many years of experience. Everyone who is, was, or expects to be married or in a relationship should read this book. Verbal abuse is often unrecognized. This book clearly describes it and its destructive effects. It offers insightful ideas on how to deal with it.

My Counselor recommended this book. I found it easy to read and very understandable. Although it was written for intimate relationship abuse, I found it useful with the verbal abuse my sibling gave me in the past and what employers currently were giving me.

The strategies to avoid pain and confrontation were very effective.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who has been in or who is in an abusive relationship of any sort. I hope this book helps you get out of it.

It's been 6+ years since I've read this book and now to look back and see the direct impact it has made in my life is riveting. In the book she describes 15 different categories of verbal abuse... my doctor kept telling me "you've been verbally abused repeatedly in your life." I kept thinking, what's the big deal, so some of my siblings were mean, hurtful, a little physical by putting me in "head-locks & slam-down wrestling moves", but hey, isn't that what siblings are for? I wrote it off as "growing up" not knowing how badly it was impacting my life.

I now realize the difference... of the 15 types I had 14 (and I'd rather not admit, but probably the 15th one too.) My family alone filled in the majority, and like that wasn't enough, I attracted the others with every boss I had!!! No wonder I felt so alone and isolated... beaten and bashed without any bruises to show for it. Every which way I turned I was being attacked and trying to stand up to your elders was a HUGE no-no. So what was I to do?

The author helps tremendously. Her chapters on "Recognizing verbal abuse and asking for change" (ch.11) & "Responding with impact to verbal abuse" (ch.12) truly gave me confidence to rebuild my self-esteem and ask (no... politely demand) my power back. Enough was enough and most of the time these people had no clue what they were doing - it was a habitual pattern for them.

I have recommended this book so many times... (hence the reason I'm writing this review now) my copy is highlighted, underlined, names of people written on the sides and multiple stars for things to read again and again and again.

My abusers were males and females, friends, family and bosses. This book gave me the power to stand up for myself and realize "so what if you are older than me, you DON'T treat human beings this way!"

Thank you Patricia, for giving me the strength to overcome - you'd be proud.

Yes, this book is written mainly for women who are in an abusive relationship with a man. But I read it because of verbal abuse going on in my workplace, and I found a lot of insight as well. Also, while I'm not currently in a relationship, I think some of my past relationships have bordered on being verbally abusive; being raised to be a "people pleaser," I knew I could certainly fall into this trap. Therefore I found the treatment of this subject matter by the author both sensitive and enlightening. In fact, I'm keeping one list in particular to help me evaluate future relationships...because what it all comes down to is that to have a healthy relationship, you must feel that your mate respects you. We all deserve to have this respect!

I purchased this book 2 years ago, after my husband had just finished reaping a horrific, loud and embarrassing verbal attack upon me. One of many, experienced before and after purchasing the book.. I could hardly finish a page without breaking down crying. I was reading about me.. I have been verbally abused for at least 8 of the 9 years that I have been married to my husband. I have been ridiculed, belittled, cursed out, called b**ches, subjected to frequent and LOUD ANGRY outburst that bring the neighbors outside, and then told that it is all my fault. If I say, the sky is blue, he responds: "Your a Got D**m lie, it's not! How could you say that?!! I have proof! You don't know S**t!Shut Up!" I know that I am not all the stupid B's that he calls me. Why am I also so wrong about everything? I know that other people like me alot. I have read several of the comments posted, and I'd just like to say that verbal abuse is real, and it hurts like h*ll. Oh, it hurts so bad...

I purchased this book based on reading many of the reviews on amazon which were mostly positive. I was looking for a good book on how to deal with verbal abuse in general. I am a man in my 50s and have observed and experienced verbal abuse first-hand all thru my life. Both my wife and I were raised in families where it was chronic and terribly destructive. We have both worked hard to eliminate it from our own marriage and have been fairly successful. I still observe it in relatives on both sides of our families and it is as destructive as ever. What I was looking for was guidance on how to respond to the cruel, sarcastic, cutting, condescending, competitive, or downright insulting remarks--so often delivered with a sweet smile or friendly chuckle. This from both men and women. While the victim is standing there in surprise, hurt, and astonishment, the abuser goes on with casual conversation as if they'd been discussing the weather. My own response has been to gradually build an emotional wall in front of the worst abusers; I tell them nothing of substance and avoid anything sensitive. Still, I wish I had the tools to better confront and label this abuse, to bring it out in the open, and to give notice to the abuser that I'm on to the game even tho the smile is bright and the laugh is hearty. I had hoped that Patricia Evans' book would help but I was disappointed. There were only a couple of pages that I found that gave some specific instructions on how to respond. What would help me would be short dialogues of successful responses, illustrating the abusers' strategies of blaming, distraction, manipulation and the effective responses that counter those. The best book I've seen yet is Bolton's PEOPLE SKILLS. He lays out the principles of an effective assertion message and provides many fine examples. He also cautions the reader about the inevitable, strong, resistance to the message and how to deal with that too. But excellent as it is, it's more about assertion, not dealing with verbal abuse. Finally, I think I can see why many women did find this to be a helpful book. Many of you just didn't realize that you weren't in a relationship but a game; a game where your partner made up the rules as he went along, and the game was a lot about keeping you off balance, guilty, and confused. He took advantage of your attempt to relate with honesty and openness, practicing neither of those. In the end he loses, big time, because a life of dishonesty and manipulation results in what? being adept at dishonesty and manipulation. But not at what everyone needs and wants--intimacy. That trust and warmth and confidence and loyalty and joy and respect that constitutes real intimacy between two people...he never gets to experience that. It's the price he pays for controlling. As I have aged I have seen the results. Those guys are generally lonely and bitter old men. If this book serves to open your eyes, to make you aware that you are in a perverse game that is destroying you, then it's well worth it. If it can prompt you to change it or walk away from it and get on with a real life, then the book is priceless. By the way, it isn't just men who are verbally abusive; I have seen many women who are just as capable, just as hurtful and destructive with words and manipulative behavior as any man. We are all capable of it and we need to guard against it.

men are not the only ones to dish out verbal abuse. your one sided portrayal and slander of the verbally abusive man is not realistic. it may be good for women but should be rewritten if it is to be received well by men too. perhaps the author should travel less and focus more on the emotional needs and abusive relationships of men too.

This book was the worst book I have ever read. It is totally biased against men. It basically states this in the foreword, and succeeds in carrying the basic premise that woman can only be victims of verbal abuse throughout the entire book. One problem with this premise is that men who are victims of verbal abuse won't talk about it. But with today's woman are victims culture, men are the scapegoat. This book continues this scapegoat premise. I just ended a 25+ year relationship with a borderline personality disorder ex-wife, and I will tell you now that I was the victim of manipulation and verbal abuse. And every example Patricia sites, fits my relationship, only I was the receiver of the abuse. But there is no way I ever would have admitted it before now. Through counseling, I realized just how bad she was to me, and just how lopsided the outside view of this problem is. This book should be removed from print until it can be written in amore balanced presentation.

After my wife read this book, she accused me of everything in it. I will admit some observations had merit, but by and large this book is a crock! In the old days, we would say that it is defense for the verbally unprepared and poorly trained. But in this era of the Universal Victim, there MUST be a reason for every outcome.
If the author turned around her argument to say that women are poorly prepared to defend against verbal attack and to use their verbal skills more accurately and intelligently, she would get sued! Yet that is what she shows in supporting her case again and again. Rarely is the man verbally abused and rarely are the women capable.
This book is a total crock. I saved my marriage by discrediting the witch who wrote it

I have been in and out of verbally, emotionally and physically abusive relationships for my entire adult life. I didn't read this book, but my husband did. We have been in counseling since before we were married to "fix" me. He finally understood after reading this book, that he is the one that needed the most fixing. He is/was an Anger Addict. Since he read this book, he has made major strides in our relationship and his therapy. I think that anyone who wants to improve and make themselves better for their family can, but this book helps recognize the behaviors. I am so thankful to Patricia Evans for writing this book, it has made all the difference in the world for my marriage.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship where there is little to no communication and if you ever feel like your feelings and concerns are never acknowledged by your partner. It is an eye-opener and gives you reassurance that you are not crazy like you have been lead to believe and that your feelings (whether they are right or wrong) do count and you deserve to be heard. Good luck to you and may this book help you in finding the happiness you deserve.

After going to therapy to battle years of depression, I finally realized I was being verbally and emotionally abused by my husband. I found this book and was just blown away by the revelations. I could not finish it at the time, it was just too painful. I stopped at the part where Patricia Evans writes that your abuser will probably never change. I couldn't and didn't want to believe it. How right she was and is.

I spent over 20 years hoping my husband would change. I spent 20 years trying to fix me, change me, change how I talked to him so he wouldn't blow up, so he would be nicer all the time instead of just some of the time. I kept hoping he would grow up, see how wonderful I was, see all the ways I took care of him and listened to him and put up with him and his rages, his sarcasms, his insults and his control over our finances and our life.

When I finally started working to improve me for me, then I was ready to see him for his true abusive self. I was ready to see he was in a completely different reality from me - the "Power Over" reality Ms. Evans describes so succinctly. I realized I could not change him unless he wanted to and I also realized I could not go on this way. I asked for change - for honesty, intimacy and respect. He gave me excuse after excuse. Because I did not let up, he got a girlfriend and when I confronted him over his infidelities, he ran away. Coward!

I finally finished the book last month after I filed for divorce. I could finally read it without hiding. It still blew me away.

The book helps me now even though my abuser doesn't live with me. It helped me to understand what happened, to know my feelings were valid, to know it was not me - it was him, to start to heal.

I also highly recommend Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out.

Thank you Patricia Evans!!!

This book presented the issues and opportunities in recognizing the insidious problem of verbal abuse from the subtle to the extreme. As a recovering co-dependent who was recently divorced, it was a godsend to find this book. At numerous points I was taken aback at the examples and analysis presented because it was almost as if the author had lived in my home and observed my spouse's behavior. It was a huge relief and a great step forward in my healing process to realize that there is nothing wrong with me (aside from accepting the verbal abuse for so long). For years I've believed what I was told - that I was responsible for the negative reactions and responses of others, and now I realize that the insidious nature of verbal abuse creates this environment.

The book allowed me to see those in my environment who are toxic to my survival as a valid human being and to map a way forward.

Recommended to anyone needing to find out why they feel responsible (and unwittingly afraid that they cause the negative responses of a loved one) and want to change their life for the better.

Although the book was helpful...it's been a few years now since I've read it, I still don't understand why my husband has to repeat himself all the time. Especially if someone wants to converse with him. If he feels he hasn't finished his sentance and someone tries to participate he will completely and a little louder start all over again.