This is an _excellent_ book for any woman who has been with or is with an angry and controlling man who is emotionally abusive. It helps a woman to realize that she's not crazy and that she is so much better off without this damaged and damaging presence in her life. Lundy Bancroft's detailed analysis of the realities of what's going on in the minds of these men is right on the mark and helps anyone who has been lost and hurting gain the kind of power that can only come with this knowledge.
Highly recommended reading for getting WAY over that bad man! :)

I would recommend this book to anyone that is facing the abuse that Mr. Bancroft writes about.

I am a lawyer and have worked in the criminal justice system ever since graduating from law school. I have defended men who were charged in domestic violence related offenses. I was always under the misguided perception that domestic violence was about someone being physically harmed by an intimate partner. I was so misguided that when I, myself, became involved with someone who was controlling, evil, and abusive, I did not recognize it for what it was. This book opened my eyes. It validated my feelings and experiences and pointed out to me what it was I was going through.

I dated a very dangerous man for six months. At first I thought his behaviors were "quirky" or that he was a lot more sensitive than anyone I have ever dated in the past. However, in such a short time, his charm changed from concern for my safety to monitoring my every move. He constantly accused me of having affairs, of emailing ex-boyfriends, and of having "no honor." During the short duration of the relationship, he went so far as to try and ruin my legal career by saying disparaging things about my character to my employers, isolating me from my friends and family, throwing knives across the room into the wall to intimidate me, and talking about having a suicide pact. Afterward he would always seem so sincere and apologize, and in attempts to garner sympathy, would blame his behaviors on the fact that no one understood him and that he had such a horrible childhood. However, after reading this book, I realized that all of his behaviors were for the sole purpose of manipulation, control, and isolation. He wanted to take me away from everything in my life that was safe for me so that the only person I could rely on was him. He actually tried to destroy my career. After blaming myself for not being sensitive enough to his quirks and not giving him enough slack for his violent and abusive childhood, I realized that whatever I did or however lenient I was about his behavior, he was already damaged. Just as Lundy states, because he cannot 100% recognize that he is a perpetrator of domestic violence and control, he will never change. In his mind, his actions are always justified as he is the victim and everyone else is the perpetrator.

I read this book in one day. Everything in this book made sense and related almost specifically to the most harrowing six months of my life. I realize now I am lucky to be alive. Our breakup culminated with him smashing my computer after accusing me of having an affair and then trying to smother me. Thank you for helping me realize that I did nothing to cause his actions. Reading this book has helped me understand that it was not my fault.

Domestic violence does not happen only to "certain types" of people. It can happen to anyone - regardless of education, status, or age.

This last months I have been in recovery after being emmotionally abused for 8+ years, this book helped me to understand that being abused was not my fault, also to understand why we will never change abusive people unless they by their on innitiative want to change.
And also give me the strength to stop my ex-husband's abuse, even after I'm divorced the abuse continued after that.
I had the courage to stop him because know I plenity understand the dynamics of abuse.
Good book.

"Why Does He Do That" is a very insightful book that has answered many questions for me. It's easy to read and hard to put down. I highly recommend it to everyone.

Hello. I really like the straight forward approach Lundy uses in the book. I had no idea so many behaviors were abusive..until now. The book puts things into perspective. He covers a lot and many circomstanses were not for me, but over all the book was very informative and supportive for the woman who is in an abusive relationship and doesn't know it and for the ones who know and just need to see it in print. The book offers clear boundaries and clear ways in which to handle each situation and the serious reasons why action needs to take place in most abusive situations. Overall very informative, supportive and clear.

I haven't even read the entire book yet, but what I have read is very insightful. At times, the truth hurts while reading, it hits close to home but it a great reminder and helps you to understand and see the light. It's scary to think that I am not the only person that has experienced some of the incidences, but it is also very helpful to see how easily it is to be manipulated. I am more aware now of what to look for. I have read other self-help type books, but none were as detailed as this one. I recommend this book to others, I even showed it to my therapist, she's thrilled I'm reading it. There are a broad range of topices to be covered, this is a keeper.

Wow! This book is really popular among angry women!

I have to agree that Lundy does a good job of describing a particular type of abusive man. What he fails to do is recognize the well documented facts that
* 50% of all domestic violence is mutual - that is, involving both partners, equally
* 25% is initiated by the man, and 25% by the woman
* More than 85% of men are NEVER violent in their domestic relationships (as documented by very simple research - asking elderly women, most of whom had predeceased their partners, if they had ever in their lives been assaulted by a partner).

Domestic violence is NOT a gender problem. It is a human problem! The real victims of intimate partner assault are the CHILDREN - who are about equally divided between boys and girls

If domestic battery results from "male privilege," or other such feminist theories, how are we to explain women who batter men, women who batter other women (i.e., in lesbian relationships), and men who batter men?

I have raised these questions, and others, with the esteemed Mr. Bancroft. He refused to be "baited" with such questions. A "scientist?" I think not!

If you want to learn something about this topic, you might start with anything by Don Dutton, Linda Mills, or John Hamel.

As a therapist working with women involved in abusive relationships, I found this book to be very helpful to them and recommend it to most of my clients. As a clinician, I think there are many contradictions, but then, it wasn't written for me. Particularly helpful was the chapter on change.

WAKE UP GALS!!

THIS BOOK IS THE BEST MOST HIGHLY INFORMATIVE,

BUT...

ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS.

YOU CAN EITHER BE ALONE AND GROW OLD ALONE, AND STRUGGLE FINANCIALLY ALONE WITH YOUR KIDS
OR

TAKE HIS ABUSE,

OR

LEAVE HIM

MEET A NEW MAN AND TAKE

HIS ABUSE.

If you fall into any category in the title, this book is a must read. It is a monumental work of "this guy Lundy" (as named by one of his reluctant clients). I had to dig deep into my mis-assumptions and misunderstanding of what's behind the abuse. Abused women? If these two words recall a weak silhouette of a housewife with an immigrant background with "no other choice", be ready to change that perception. If you think you'll always know how to tell whether or not the abuse it happening in your life or life of others, if you think you will leave "the moment he lays his hands on me" and think that would be the only solution for anyone else as well in the same situation, you might be in for a surprise. If you think the abuser can be changed by the attitude of his partner, getting free of alcohol and drug abuse or attending therapy for couples, think again. When it comes to the abuse, we all think we are very smart. Why not giving the abused women some credit for a change, acknowledge they are intelligent (and their wit has been challenged many times by the terror of their partners) and come from different social and economical backgrounds, have already tried everything humanly possible to change their partners, why not give them what they need - support and understanding, no pressure, no conditions. Abused women are not co-dependent in a relationship. It is Them, the grand masters of control that maintain the abusive and unbearable situation and keep on with their power games. It is a hard nut to convince them their are the loosers loosing the possibility of deeper, warmer relations within the family, which would act as a shelter rather than a prison to other family members.

If you work in the court and think the abuser can change by hearing some harsh words from the judge, think again. If you work in court and think the abuser is a capable parent, think again. If you work in court and you believe a woman is abusing a man (who claims this to be the case), be very careful and try to get more evidence.

Although it is clearly evident the book is based on the broad experience Bancroft gained while working with abusive men, he doesn't (ab)use it as an argument of power and authority. I like the referrals to his own misconceptions and some storries about his interraction with his clients could be potentially anecdotal if you'd neglect the fact (but how could you?) they come from people who abused their partners. Most of all, I admire Bancroft's will to help and reach-out, influence the policy and educate the policy makers - seems there is no stopping for him as he continues to publish on this important topic from different perspectives - he is lately focusing on children's rights and their need to live in an abuse free environment.

The book is mostly focused on the topic of abuser's reasoning his actions. If this is not what you are currently struggling with, the book suggests a variety of additional resources. But for those of you who spend days wondering what is behind his irrational anger and rage "out of the blue", manipulativeness, controlling, this is a wonderful insight. The book is not focused solely on physical violence and it will be helpful to people who feel confused and puzzled by the reacions of their partners in the relationship.

I particularly love the fact Bancroft is fully aware of the potential effects of this book: not only it is soothening as sort of a teddybear for adults, it is also very inspiring, it calls for action, but rather than make it a chaotic social movement that would be a subject to quick extinguishment, Bancroft gives a comprehensive advice on what is effective and what are your options of organized development in the fight against abuse and, importantly, when should you go on and save the others - after you've done saving yourself, of course.

This is one of the books I would just love in hardcopy to keep on the shelf for several readings. You do need to read it several times to keep its messages strong inside you, as other messages surrounding you (particularly in pop culture) lead you in the other direction.

This book leaves me thinking we should bring up boys fundamentally differently and Bancroft provides a few suggestions, but they seem to be a bit speculative. I can only hope they might work.

All in all, the book is worth much more than you'll pay for it, which is great: it needs to be affordable to be widely accessed and owned. It also needs to be translated to several languages. Urgently.

I have spent years with a man who is mostly great, but when we fight, verbally and emotionally abusive. We have spent hours, maybe days, trying to figure out why he "loses control" -- what in his past or history causes that level of anger and hatred to rise up. This book was the break-through. It forced both of us to look at it from a different perspective -- it isn't about a bad history or default emotional reactions, it's about control. Luckily, he is in a place in his life where he wants to change, so he was able to look at this with an open mind. But regardless, for me, this book was life-altering and possibly life-saving.

This is the best book about domestic violence I've ever read. It's the only one i've found that gets to the core of why men abuse. Rather than making excuses, he explains how abuse is a conscious decision, it's a learned behaviour, and it CAN be unlearned in the men decide to do the work (though sadly, most don't).

Every woman should read this book even if she hasn't been outright abused because it also shows how these men can manipulate and control without even raising their voice. 10/10.

This was one of the finest learning books I have ever read / studied. I have already lent it to two people and have recommended it to five or six others as a "must have" for their libraries.
When I was a psych major in college, 40 plus years ago, "abuse" was not a topic. I'm glad that this now is being addressed.
When I was "browsing" among the self-help titles in the listings, this book "jumped out at me."
I'm really, really, REALLY glad that I got this book.
A.J. in Scottsdale, Arizona

This book has changed my life forever! It's totally amazing. I liked it so much I bought another copy and gave it to my friend. She in turn has told others and are now asking them to read it. I credit Lundy for the knowledge I have today about abusive men. This book is a clear indication of when you're in the danger zone! Thanks Lundy.

This book has been written to help people identify abusive/violent behaviours and how to cope or escape from them: from psychological abuse to physical assault. There's usually nothing wrong inside an abuser's mind. It's amazing to find out why they do that. It has helped me understand why so many women are being killed by their partners- who are described as nice, cool guys. Meanwhile society seems to turn a blind eye on this issue by blaming the victims; as if we had nothing to do with it. What about the children?

I have bought several copies of this book for other women. I have told many women about the content to help them in situations they have been in with controlling men. This book allows people to regain self confidence through knowledge.

Parents buy this book for your teenage girls. It will be the best purchase you have ever made. Whether they are in an abusive relationship or not, this book will teach them not to get in one. Hats Off to Lundy.

This book is a GODSEND to anyone that is in, getting out of or having left a Domestic Violence relationship. This book was recommended to me by one of my D.V councellors. I had so many questions, doubts, fears and this book addressed each one of them. It is almost as if the book is written especially about you and the experience you are having. This is the insight, knowledge and understanding the Author has of Domestic Violence and the men that are perpetrators of this crime. PLEASE if you are living in fear, get this book TODAY!!

I read this book after finally leaving an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Bancroft's explanations of abusive behavior are right on the mark. After reading it, I found that my relationship was even worse than I thought. He was manipulating me in ways I wasn't even aware of. The manipulations that inundate the abused causes them to overlook or blame themselves for what is happening in the relationship. I finally got answers to all of my questions - like why is he doing this to me? Why can't he see that he's hurting me? Why does he blame me for his actions? This book solidified my resolve in ending the relationship for good. I recommend it to anyone who feels they might be in an abusive relationship. Get some answers to those questions that are tormenting you and get some peace.

My spouse had me convinced our troubles were all my fault...It wasn't until I read this book that I saw my husband for what he is: An Abuser ! I was so depressed I couldn't even function on a daily basis...Reading this book every day is a must! Once I started reading this book it took me 2 years to get out of this marriage. With this book I was able to predict his every move and it empowered me ! When I was reading the chapters about getting out and divorcing my spouse I felt it didnt apply to me until I actually went through with it and what do you know? My abuser reacted just as Bancroft said he would. I call this book my bible LOL it saved my life and I realized I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE ! I always have an extra copy on hand so that I can give it someone else in need !

My husband and I have two teenagers and have been married since 1991. We met in '86 and have had a turbulent relationship from the very beginning. I broke it off with him numerous times due to his self-centered, abusive nature but wound up pregnant in the process. When the second one came along, he wanted to get married; my decision to go ahead and take the plunge (into hell) was the biggest mistake of my life. Twenty-two years later, his abuse has only gotten worse and trying to get out of the situation has proved far more complicated than I ever could have imagined.

If Mr. Bancroft's book would have been available at the time I was considering marriage, I think my life would be completely different right now. I am amazed by the accuracy of the information he has presented. Living with an abusive man for over twenty years, I can confidently say I have never read a book that so perfectly describes my husband's abusive, bizarre, childish behaviors and the thinking behind them. I always knew he had a problem with women but didn't completely understand the reasons behind it.

The book can be a real life saver for any woman considering a relationship or marriage. It's dead on so, after reading it, if you find yourself discounting, minimizing, or questioning any of the the information, be forwarned, you're headed for TROUBLE!

I read this book because I suspected I had been abused by my ex. I left him very uncertainly and solely on the basis of my gut and his recent intolerable treatment of me. I was sorely tempted to go back to him because he was kind to me at times.
Four weeks later, I am vindicated by this book. Also, it has helped me heal because now I understand that it was not my fault, I am not a stupid, narrow minded woman who has no idea how to dress/how to attract men and so on and so forth. I understand that the abusive man is very subtly manipulative and there are really very few things one can do to change him (the author does describe how in the book, though in my case I decided moving on was a better choice). I also know now never to go back to him.
Thank you, Dr.Bancroft, for publishing this insightful book. This is one woman you have helped very much.

In Feb. of this year my child and I escaped from my husband's abusive behavior to a domestic violence shelter. The shelter staff fortunatley invited me to a teleconference by the author Lundy Bancroft who summarized the behavior of an abusive person which fit my husband almost to a T so I bought the book.

This book helped me to see clearly. I'm a pretty logical person and had only been in the abuse for 3 years and had tried marriage counseling before deciding to leave. I knew he wouldn't change but my emotions were all over the place and I asked myself all the time "Why did he do that?" "Didn't he know what happiness he was missing out on?" etc.

After finishing the book I understood why he had acted that way and I also noticed more subtle forms of emotional and verbal abuse he had used on me. I had no question that I could never go back to him. If I hadn't read the book I'd be questioning myself more.

I lent the book to my brother's friend who is a guy that was being abused by his wife. This guy I viewed as pretty much destroyed and thought he'd never leave his wife. I knew that if he read the book he'd be able to leave her. Happy news he read the book and has left her.

In addition to victims others should read this book like lawyers, judges, marriage counselors, police, teenagers, etc.to be able to see through the lies. Many abusers are very cunning and can mislead law enforcement, courts, and marriage counselors.

I just can't recommend this book enough. I donnated my copy to a local domestic violence shelter and am going to buy another one to lend.

This book helped me see my husband for what he was...a sociopathic drunk. Before I read this I thought marriage counseling could fix everything in our relationship. Thanks to Bancroft I was expecting it when my verbally abusive husband became violent. I didn't hesitate to call the police the first time he hit me. He did three months in jail. After his release the courts ordered him to undergo alcohol abuse treatment and psychological therapy. He wouldn't stick to either program. I've filed for divorce and he's out there somewhere running from the law for violating his probation. I haven't seen my husband in four months, but he still calls me in the middle of the night to profess his undying love. I wish I'd read this book before I met this creep. It gives you lists of early warning signs to look for. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have risked my life by marrying my soon-to-be ex-husband.

This book is outstanding! I felt as if the author had been looking in my window because the scenarios were so accurate. Unfortunetely, I'm still easily swayed by my husband and just can't seem to "get it". Please pray for me.

This is a life changing book. I found myself underlining something on almost every page and writing my agreements in the margins. I urge anyone who is in an abusive relationship or has been in one to read this book. It is essential to understanding those type of men who abuse. If I had read this book when I first got married,it would have saved me from 33 years of abuse waiting and hoping he would change. I left 2 years ago but still struggled with my fears and mixed emotions. People think it should be easy to get out but this book explains so well the many reasons it isn't. When I finished reading it, I felt it was finally over. At last, I felt validated and learned that those nagging feelings I had for so many years were right. Now, there's no looking back, I'm free.
I haven't found any other book that explains how those men think.
A must read.

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get InvolvedHow to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook: A Survival Guide for Women Surprisingly sound reading, unveils the myths and mystery of the abusive relationship. Lundy Bancroft's passion in his resolve to merge insight and justice for the abused if not bewildered twenty-first century woman is sensible and courageous. Lundy's work will literally guide and provide every mother, daughter and sister the perceptions necessary to begin healing, necessary to bring us out of this dark age and out of abuse.

Should be required reading for all marriage counselors and maybe all therapists in general. A very empowering book. It identifies these men in easy-to-understand English and makes it possible to understand and cope with their behaviour and abusive language - something all the therapists and marriage counselors in our lives were unable to achieve. Highly recommended, especially if ending the marriage is not a viable option.

This book is good for understanding and helping someone whom you think is being abused and/or in danger of getting involved with an abusive man.
It is good for the women who want to understand and/or get away from such men. And it is a good red flags check list for women who want to be sure to avoid getting taken in by abusive men. To give just a few highlights, his chances of changing are slim, his chances of getting worse are very high. Logic or concern for the woman's feelings, appeals to love and so on will not affect him. Seriously threatening to leave him unless he gets serious help will work in a few cases - not many. The book goes through a lot of myths about such people...They act that way because they were abused, it's the alcohol, he has poor communication skills, he needs anger management, he's going through hard times, etc. etc. etc. This author makes the case, based on documentation, that the primary causes of abuse are feelings of male superiority and male entitlement along with a deep disrespect for women. If that sounds hard, oh well, what they do to women is far worse. (If you are in such a relationship you might want to consider that the statistics show that about 70% of men who abuse women also abuse children.) He sees the problem as a cultural one, fed by pornography which treats women as submissive objects, and "entertainment" that even includes murdering women. Different kinds of abuse are included, not just physical, but verbal abuse, and others. A wonderful book. It affirms that abuse isn't the woman's fault, and it is not the woman's responsibility to change the man. It's his responsibility. Period. (My personal opinion, not addressed by the author, is that if he doesn't follow the first step in the 12 step program and ask the Creator for help, he will never be able to change.)

This is an excellent book for those who anticpate working with people who are in abusive relationships. However, this book is actually written for the victims of domestic violence. I strongly recommend anyone who is in an abusive relationship and looking to get out or to discredit all his excusses, should read this book.

Excellent book. I would recommend this book to any woman that is going thru domestic abuse - either verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically. Great insight. I will buy more by Lundy Bancroft.

I read this book after my husband filed for divorce. I had spent most of our fourteen-year marriage trying to make him happy and never succeeding. He found fault with everything I did-- Mr. Bancroft would call him a Mr. Right. I was devastated when he filed for divorce and truly didn't think I'd make it. Then I read this book and the fog lifted. I understood everything clearly for the first time! Yes, I made mistakes in my marriage but nothing major that deserved divorce. I've spent the last few months getting stronger and feeling better, realizing that my self-esteem has been badly beaten. I plan to take a break from men and be on my own for a while so I can regain the fun, happy part of myself. Thank you, Mr. Bancroft, for helping me realize I'm not crazy.

this is a good book that explains why some men behave in an abusive manner. i like what the author says about wanting to give women readers information so they can understand but ultimately think LESS about the men in their lives that are being abusive and focus on their own lives. for me it helped me to understand my relationship with a "demander" who was never satisfied with what i did and always blamed me for the things that went wrong. even though i'm not in the relationship anymore i felt bad about the relationship and the breakup for a long time. i wanted to have information to avoid getting involved and falling in love with another man who is not emotionally healthy.

i think there are a lot of good men out there but this book will help you see the signs and understand what is going on with guys that are angry, controlling, manipulative and mean. i recommend this to anyone who wants more clarity about the emotionally and perhaps physically abusive male. as others have noted this many doesn't indicate any academic background to make him an expert on the topic but he seems to have a lot of real and practical experience and that carries a lot of weight in my opinion but you have to decide for yourself.

this is a great book that explains why some men behave in an abusive manner. i like what the author says about wanting to give women readers information so they can understand but ultimately think LESS about the men in their lives that are being abusive and focus on their own lives. for me it helped me to understand my relationship with a "demander" who was never satisfied with what i did and always blamed me for the things that went wrong. even though i'm not in the relationship anymore i felt bad about the relationship and the breakup for a long time. i wanted to have information to avoid getting involved and falling in love with another man who is not emotionally healthy. i think there are a lot of good men out there but this book will help you see the signs and understand what is going on with guys that are angry, controlling, manipulative and mean. i recommend this to anyone who wants more clarity about the emotionally and perhaps physically abusive male.

I cannot overstate how useful this book is to me. I found myself nodding along with many of the signs of abusive men and was shocked to see that someone I have been in a rollercoaster relationship with for over four years is a composite of several of the abusive personality types the author described. This relationship brought me to my wit's end. Nothing I could do was good enough, and I have suffered through intense depression caused by constant put-downs, insults, criticism, cursing, and name-calling. After talking with some friends and reading information on emotional abuse, I started to see that his behavior had a definite pattern and that it was not my fault. This book finally gave me the immense insight I needed into why he treats me this way, which is his attitudes about entitlement. He feels that I should meet his ridiculous standards, and if I don't, I deserve to be cursed at and called stupid, no matter how many times I say that it hurts me. In fact, the more I begged him to stop, the more he would tell me that he would only stop if I did what HE wanted.

At the moment I am in the process of extricating myself from this relationship, and finally I understand why it was so hard for me and why I was so attached - the trauma bond. I saw some patterns from my relationship in this book and was shocked to see that I am not alone, he is not unique in how he treats me. Perhaps what stood out most to me was how the author described the abusive behavior of degrading the victim for acting abused. For instance, if I sounded timid on the phone when talking with him, he would yell at me, saying "Stop being meek or I'll hang up on you." And if I told him that I was timid because he curses at me, he said it's not his problem and that I should "grow up" and get over it.

This book is an invaluable tool for shedding light on the problems that many women may try to ignore or explain away by saying "If I tried harder, he would treat me better." The book describes the path to change and showed me that I should stop waiting around for my boyfriend to change, because if he never admits that he mistreats me and blames me for his anger, there simply is no hope.

Anger does not cause abusive tendencies; rather, abusive tendencies beget anger, Bancroft asserts. The book is written in a clear, colloquial style that is easy to understand while also being complete. I was very impressed at how accurately and thoroughly Bancroft illustrated my boyfriend. Knowing the tactics he used to belittle me and make me feel like I am two inches tall totally demystifies the situation for me. I know it will be an uphill climb to fully detaching myself and recovering from years of being called a plethora of bad names simply because I can't play a computer game that well...but it will be well worth regaining my self-respect. I urge others to read this book, if only to learn about abusive patterns. And I don't for a second believe that this book will convince women who are in healthy relationships that their partner is abusive. The behaviors discussed in this book are very clearly out of line, demeaning, disrespectful, and controlling, and guess what...men like this are out there, with good jobs, high intelligence, lots of friends. My boyfriend's friends all think he is the gentlest, most harmless person on the planet, but my pain tells a different story.

The best book that ever happened to me. I learned so much about why I was taken in by this type of man, and how to avoid the same mistakes. I have given copies to all of my friends, and recommend it to many others. I can't thank Mr. Bancroft enough.

In the United States, two to four million women are physically and emotionally assaulted by their partners. At least one out of three American women will be a victim of abuse by a husband or boyfriend in her lifetime.

Author Lundy Bancroft was former co-director of Emerge, the first program specifically created for abusive men in the United States. He has worked extensively with abusive men for nearly two decades.

Bancroft outlines warning signs of an abusive man; ten abusive personality types; the role of addiction in abuse; what can and cannot be changed in abusive men; and how to get out of an abusive relationship safely.

First among 17 myths Bancroft dispels in his book is that the victim of the abuser plays any part whatsoever in the abusive behavior of her partner.

Bancroft writes: "Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not the product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser." (pg. 19)

Bancroft explains why therapy escalates abuse rather than alleviates it. "You can't manage an abuser except for brief periods. Praising him and boosting his self-opinion may buy you some time, but sooner or later he'll jump back into chewing pieces out of you. When you try to improve an abuser's feelings about himself, his problem actually tends to get worse. An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands." (pg. 43)

With all this confusion in abusive relationships about what is and isn't genuine love, Bancroft offers: "Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person's self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion." (pg.65)

Most abusers cheat on their partners; it is a large part of their sense of entitlement. Charming and flirtatious when he chooses to be, he plays his women, friends and lovers, against each other. He uses women with no regard for the effect of his behavior on them.

Bancroft lists red flags for women entering into or already in abusive relationships; we can all be abusive on occasion, but watch for ongoing patterns that will not change even when confronted about the behavior.

Bancroft advises skepticism in the victim not yet ready to leave, and describes what to watch for: "giving you some extended room to be angry about what he did, rather than telling you that you've been angry too long or trying to stuff your angry feelings back down your throat," nor will he make excuses or try to offer rationalizations for his behavior. (pg. 133)

Bancroft discusses why it is actually more difficult to leave an abusive relationship than a normal relationship that has run its course. "The longer you have been living with his cycles of intermittent abuse and kind, loving treatment, the more attached you are likely to feel to him, through a process known as traumatic bonding." (pg.134)

Recommendations are included for finding help-legal advice, support groups, therapy for the abused partner, hotlines and organizations to assist women in abusive relationships.

The book concludes with a call to action for society--to not look the other way when we see abusive behavior, to offer support to abused partners, to take a second look at the kind of behavior we encourage with the current trend to objectify women. Awareness and sensitivity to this epidemic of domestic violence (and make no mistake, emotional abuse, too, should be considered violence) can go a long way to eliminating it.

~abridged from Spring '08, The Smoking Poet

Unique and well written, it holds your interest and provides very thought provoking ideas that make a lot of sense. Starts out kind of vague as it makes reference to later chapters a lot, but the further into it you get, everything comes together so you can see the whole picture. Makes excellent points, well researched and clearly presented. Definitely worth reading for all women, and even teenage girls before dating.

As a Co-Chair of a County Domestic Violence Task Force I recommend this book to anyone who is involved in, knows someone involved in or is involved in the advocacy movement for victims of domestic violence. Lundy Bancroft has put together what I call the "Bible" on this subject.

This book is truly incredible. Mr. Bancroft shows no mercy to the abuser and arms us, the abused, with the knowledge to do the same. Bancroft looks at abuse, and the tactics that abusers employ, from every conceivable angle. By the time I had finished this book, I was ready to accept, and embrace, the heart-breaking fact that the man I was with would in all likelihood never change. This book provided me with both the strength and the tools I needed to walk away for good. And whenever I regret that decision, I simply pick up the book and open to almost any page to remind myself of why I did what I did. As Bancroft states at one point in his book, "naming and understanding are power." Once I realized what was going on, I was able to break free of the torment and paralysis caused by this relationship.

I cannot thank Mr. Bancroft enough for sharing his enormous knowledge on the nature of abuse with us. It is so refreshing to see the problem tackled head-on, free of any "new age", "the problem lies within us", mumble-jumble. I am so grateful not to be blamed in some direct or indirect way for what I have suffered. I am free to mourn my loss without the tormenting questions of "What did I do wrong?" "What could I have done better?" and "How could I have prevented this?" Bancroft provides the simple but resounding answers, "Nothing", "Nothing", and "You couldn't".

(Oh, and he is an excellent writer. He knows not to end sentence with a preposition...a skill possessed by so few anymore. I know this will only mean something to someone who is as fanatical about grammar as I am, but I had to share it!)

Lundy, through his book, has taught me to look abusers as scorpions, but with a twist - If you don't know the story, read on, with my idea of a better ending to help us understand the mind of the abuser:

One day a scorpion is hanging around the side of a stream. A frog happens by on his way across the stream. The scorpion cannot swim so he stops the frog and asks if he can climb on his back for a ride across the water.

"Do you think I am crazy?" The frog says. "If I let you on my back, you'll certainly sting me and I'll sink in the water and die."

The scorpion replies, "hey just think about it for a second, I can't swim. If I sting you, then you'll die and I'll sink and die too."

The frog thinks for a second and decides that makes sense, so he proceeds to give the scorpion a ride across the stream.

About half way across the stream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog screams "What are you doing? Why did you sting me? Now I am going to drown and die and you are going to sink and die too."

The scorpion says "because I am a scorpion and it is my nature."

With the new ending, think of your abuser as the scorpion, and you as the frog.

As you sink into the water, gasping your last breath, your abuser turns to you and blames you for not getting him across the river, and that you are dying on purpose, just to ruin his day.

The whole thing is vile.
Thank you for the book Lundy.

I could not put this book down, I cried with relief to find that all of this craziness had an answer, and someone really knows what the hell is going on! Lundy is known throught out the Nation for his work in Domestic Abuse.... I thought I had to be physically battered to be abused! sometimes I wished I was...then someone believe me that he is not the person he makes himself out to be! I refer to the book often to ground me, and remind me that this is not exceptable behavior, and IT IS NOT ME!
I have bought several copies to help other abused women find answers!
There are resources in the back, for counseling...D.A.P. great organization! Good luck.

This book is invaluable in helping therapists and those dealing with abuse to understand why abuse happens and how to deal with it. One of the most profound insights is that abuse is not a matter of low self-esteem. It is about control and entitlement. In short, the abuser gets a lot of advantages that come from abusing others. These include emotional, finacial, domestic, and sexual catering. When fear and intimidation gets a big pay off of getting others to surrender their time, money, power, and more to the abuser, why should they stop? In short, there is little advantage for the abuser to STOP abusing! This insight alone helps the one being abused understand that no amount of catering, placating, and attempting to "please" the abuser more will stop abuse. Only a direct and clear understanding of the abuse pattern and the strength and leverage to stop the abuse or walk away from it makes a real difference. Often this involves enlisting the support of others (family and friends of the abuser) who can help the abuser understand that they are in fact abusing and it is NOT acceptable. Sadly, as Lundy clearly outlines, we live in a culture that overall tends to feed the notion that abuse is acceptable (in media, schools, at home, even in the courts). So, for abuse to really end, changes need to be made not only in the abusive relationship, but through a cultural movement that clearly says, THIS IS ABUSE, and no longer acts as if it should be tolerated or perpetuated in our world. - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret

I already knew my husband was mean and abusive, but I had no idea how his mind worked because he constantly kept me off kilter, played mind games, and made everything my fault. How wonderful to read that I wasn't crazy! This book made everything fall into place for me, all the questions I have ever asked were answered. I finally see that it is a conscious choice to be abusive. I always excused his behavior as a by product of his early environment, but no more! I know I need to get out, and this book made it so clear to me, he will never change because he doesn't want to! Divorce lawyer here I come, I wish I had read this sooner.

I believe this book is written to make abused women hate their abusive men to the point of giving them the strength to get out!

Until this agenda occurred to me, I was annoyed by how one-sided the book is. Now I appreciate that this book has the power to help some women who need it most.

Fortunately, there is NO risk that by reading this book, a woman will begin thinking non-abusive men are abusive. The examples used are pretty extreme -- especially as you near the end of the book. So, it's pretty safe to say that if you think this book describes your husband, then he IS abusive.

In terms of better understanding who qualifies as an abuser, Bancroft offers a brilliant gem of insight, paraphrased here:

Abusive people live with an "entitlement/deserving" mindset. In other words, abusers feel "entitled" to special and UNREALISTIC privileges. When their targets can't meet the unrealistic expectations (which are often unstated), they become "deserving" of abuse!

For example, an abusive husband will feel "entitled" to abuse his wife because the wife "deserves" it for failing to behave the way he wants her to behave. Except, only the husband defines what is appropriate behavior (the wife has no real say, and the same rules don't apply to him). He then makes the abuse the wife's fault -- since in his mind, it IS her fault for failing to meet his unfair expectations.

Bancroft's insight works just as well for abusive coaches, teachers, parents and bosses. So, next time you're trying to understand if someone is being abusive (or has the potential to be), try this:

1) As yourself if that person feels ENTITLED to expectations, which they wouldn't agree to themselves.
2) Then watch how they act out against those who fail to meet those expectations. Do they feel soooo ENTITLED to privileged treatment that the target becomes DESERVING of abuse?
3) Finally, listen for whether the abuser stated that the target caused the abuse (usually because the target made the abuser angry from not obeying or complying with the unfair expectations).

If all 3 components are present, you've found an abuser.

The main reason I didn't like this book was that I was hoping it would help me understand what happened in my family -- where my mom verbally and emotionally abused my dad relentlessly. Although the abuse test above completely applied, this book virtually denies it is possible for women to abuse men, which my life experience has told me otherwise.

I think for Bancroft to acknowledge men are abused, he would have to revisit how he thinks of victims. Not that he would need to start blaming victims -- I get it that being abused is not the fault of the target!

But he'd probably have to acknowledge something like, "people need to avoid getting into relationships with abusive people in the first place." I don't think he's ready to go there, since it still implies fault at some level.

Since his book is so successful at empowering women to get out of abusive relationships -- albeit after they've already made the bad decision to get in one -- the ends of this book justifies its means, in this case.

Hope this is helpful!
(If you like this review, please check out my others).

It is a pleasant read and well organized. The author poises questions, highlights myths (erroneous explanations) and summarizes concise explanations. You don't have to be a feminist to learn a lot from this book. The author generally uses "he" for the abuser and "she" for the victim, which I think is unfortunate, but otherwise much of what she writes about could be applied to other forms of domestic violence such as sibling rivalry, homosexual relationships, and elder abuse as well, not just "wife-beating."

If you are a victim of domestic abuse, you may find yourself wondering if you are losing your mind. "He is such a nice guy; he can't POSSIBLY be abusive!" Yes, he can. If you feel horrible about yourself; if you feel like you can't ever do anything right; if you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for him; if you feel like there is always something wrong but can't figure out what... You are in an abusive relationship. YOU NEED THIS BOOK.

This book is written from a clinical perspective, but actually explores the thinking and motivation of the abuser. Abuse is a very clear "action A results in reward B" behavior pattern. Why do abusers abuse? Because they can. Because they reap huge rewards: luxury, freedom, pampering, emotional and sexual catering. Abusers believe they are entitled to this special treatment. In many cases, they genuinely believe their partners have abused THEM by not catering to them. They justify their abusive behavior and call it self-defense, saying "I would not have slapped her or coerced her into sex if she hadn't flirted with that guy." When in reality... She didn't even notice the guy. She was probably a lot more worried about how her husband/boyfriend going ballistic over the cut of her blouse or the length of her skirt. If he is insanely, irrationally jealous, he WILL become abusive. He probably is already, you just have not noticed... Jealous men are controlling men.

It's difficult to find a good book on domestic abuse, because a lot of resources focus on "co-dependancy" and the myth that a woman perpetuates abuse by sticking with her man. This is a lie. Reality: it is almost impossible to get away from an abusive man. Any woman in any abusive relationship has legitimate reason to fear for her life. Is it any wonder that a woman is afraid to stay but more afraid to leave?

This book does an excellent job of putting to bed the issue of couples' counseling for abusive relationships. DO NOT GO. I wish I had read this book before I made the mistake of committing to marital therapy with my abusive husband. Marital therapy is a wonderful institution, but focuses on the concept of both parties accepting blame for their actions and working together toward common goals and common resolution of problems. It sounds very positive and very noble, but abusers are not capable of admitting they have faults. So marital therapy ends up being a tool the abuser uses to get his wife to compromise. For example, one marital therapy case cited in the book had the abuser agreeing to cease his verbally abusive ways (which were causing his wife anxiety) if she would cease spending so much time with her friends. His justification for that request is that she spent so much time out of the house that it was "damaging" to the marriage. The therapist agreed it was a good compromise; the wife lost a valuable part of her support system, and the husband's only "compromise" was that he agreed to stop being abusive for a time.

I also like how this book points out that marital therapy enhances an abuser's belief that he is right - marital therapy by nature requires both parties to take ownership of issues caused in the relationship. In abusive relationships, quite frequently the ONLY issue is the abuse. By forcing the woman to take a portion of the blame, the abuser gets the therapist to reinforce his belief that his wife is responsible for the problems in their relationship. It's backwards thinking as the well-meaning therapist is trying to make BOTH partners take responsibility for their actions, but the end result of therapy can be far more destructive than positive. At best, it gives the woman false hope and paralyzes her because she hopes that her partner will change his negative behavior.

The book shows a woman what warning signs to look for in her current or prospective partner. The author did an excellent job of linking partner abuse to child abuse; this book is a valuable resource to current or former victims of child abuse as well. The only thing I found lacking was a recommendation on confronting a current partner on his abusive behavior...

This book is frightening but realistic in its portrayal of abusers. There is very little hope for redemption of an abuser, because he loses too much and gains too little from changing his ways. The author provides resources on abuser programs, and the book contains a chapter on how to tell if an abuser is really changing his ways.... With a very realistic warning that abuser programs simply do not have good success rates. If you are a woman who loves an abusive man, understand that he is simply not the man you thought he was. Run, do not walk away from your abusive partner.

If you are in a relationship with someone you suspect may be controlling this is the book for you. It is filled with abundant information that is easy to read. You may want to read it twice. It will help you identify your problem, help you decide if the situation can be repaired, help you avoid feeling crazy (because YOU are NOT)and gives tips for getting on with your life in a healthy manner. I felt like I was reading about my life. If you are not in a committed relationship yet and feel you might be with a controller or abuser...please, please, please read this before you actually marry or have children. Like smoking, it's easier not to start than to quit.

This is a wonderful, fabulous, excellent book that I would highly recommend to anyone that is dealing with an abuser in anyway. This book greatly helped me and I now keep extra copies of it at home to give away to anyone that mentions they are in any type of controlling relationship. I learned so much from this book about abusers and knowledge is a big step in healing. Read this book if you are in an abusive relationship (but be sure it is safe to do so), give this book to anyone you know who is suffering at the hand of an abuser or anyone in the legal system/counseling that works with abusers/victims.

I highly recommend this book, because the author makes it easy to understand the complex and painful dynamics of abusive relationships. Whether you personally have experienced one or more styles of abuse or are just curious about the subject, this book is the most informative and the best written one I have read.

I found this book by chance and the outcome makes me feel lucky.