I bought this book and another marital self-help book at the same time. I'm happy I read this book second because the first book caused more damage then good, better to have the trouble out of the way first.

While reading this book, I saw a lot of my own marriage in the characters. It was odd yet left me feeling hopeful to see that other marriages are going through almost the exact problems my marriage is going through. I could relate to a lot of what was said in this book. I was so happy to see the word I've been looking for to tell my husband how I've been feeling and that is a loss of connection at times when I really need to have him present with me in the moment. At the same time I loved the authors ideas on self-differentiation. It's exactly what I needed and explained what I've been going through the past 8 years of our 10 year marriage.

The authors style of writing is very educated and I did have to pick up a dictionary a couple times to understand what he was saying but it was so worth it. I loved how he kept you hanging while reading this book by hooking you in with phrases like "I'll talk more about that at the end of the chapter" which of course meant I wasn't putting the book down until I got to the end of the chapter.

You do have to be an adult in a maturity sort of way to read this book. There are some explicit erotic pages that helped you connect and relate to the characters he was portraying.

My husband is now reading this book, and I plan on reading it again and also looking for more works by this author.

I went over the hell of pain reading this book. I made skyscraper of realizations, and so far made only couple of floors of improvements. I am still in 'five steps forward, four steps back' motion while working on myself. But this lifechanging book... I would recommend it to anyone - married or single, it does not matter. It also does not matter where your lack of integrity pops up - be it work, social life, friendship or marriage. It will pop up everywhere and is rooted in the same causes pointed out in book.

Instead of being purely behavioral guide, like most books are, this book, with reader's will, can help mobilize what is best in them, not just follow checkbox guide. English is my 3rd language, and book is much more difficult to read than say, 'Seven Principles' by Gotham, which was a breeze compared to 'Passionate Marriage'.

I am so grateful and proud for being able to feel and taste pure, distilled love for my wife and for other people in my life. This is unbelievable state I wish more people to know of. Our sex and lives are changing at fast pace every day in every aspect, and only I read the book (but I share my findings about myself with her if I want to (yeah, acting differentiated :) ) ). Your spouse doesn't have to read it. As Dr. Schnarch says 'it takes two to screw marriage, and one to fix it'.

I went over the hell of pain reading this book. I made skyscraper of realizations, and so far made only couple of floors of improvements. I am still in 'five steps forward, four steps back' motion while working on myself. But this lifechanging book... I would recommend it to anyone - married or single, it does not matter. It also does not matter where your lack of integrity pops up - be it work, social life, friendship or marriage. It will pop up everywhere and is rooted in the same causes pointed out in book.

Instead of being purely behavioral guide, like most books are, this book, with reader's will, can help mobilize what is best in them, not just follow checkbox guide. English is my 3rd language, and book is much more difficult to read than say, 'Seven Principles' by Gotham, which was a breeze compared to 'Passionate Marriage'.

I am so grateful and proud for being able to feel and taste pure, distilled love for my wife and for other people in my life. This is unbelievable state I wish more people to know of. Our sex and lives are changing at fast pace every day in every aspect, and only I read the book (but I share my findings about myself with her if I want to (yeah, acting differentiated :) ) ). Your spouse doesn't have to read it. As Dr. Schnarch says 'it takes two to screw marriage, and one to fix it'.

It's about resolving the issues in a relationship in a way that results in great sex, rather than the other way around.I love about this book is that it isn't just about having great sex/chemistry/passion in general but about having those things with your partner.
The perfect match with this book is I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't

It's about resolving the issues in a relationship in a way that results in great sex, rather than the other way around.I love about this book is that it isn't just about having great sex/chemistry/passion in general but about having those things with your partner.
The perfect match with this book is I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't

I have learned that it's fine to think about myself first, even during sex. This book freed us from the specter of uneven sexual desire, and battles about oral sex. I also recommend an amazing book in this topic I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't

If you're not, you need to read this book! The passionate Marriage is an excellent book written in a personable manner with excellent anecdotes that demonstrate the concepts the writer is explaining. Reading this book helped me recognize where I wasn't differentiated and where I needed to do some serious internal work to help myself. It's also helped my marriage a lot, in terms of how my wife and I communicate.

If you're having trouble in your marriage or just want to communicate better and have more intimacy, read this book. It will help both you and your partner(s) connect with each other.

While the author's knowledge and ideas are on the plus side, his free use of crude and rude...and just plain filthy...language leaves me wondering why a man with a PhD and the years of experience he has must resort to "gutter talk" to make points about relationships.
Due to this, I found myself unable to share it with my wife and just threw the book in the trash....which is, I'm afraid, where it belongs.

This book is a bible on the subject of relationships. I enjoyed it from beginning to end. Yes!

I liked the approach this writer took to bringing back the intimacy to a dead marriage. The concrete examples as manifested in therapy sessions held my interest. It's usually better to give an example than to lecture about something. There wasn't a whole lot of new information, but it was presented in an helpful manner. The parts about sex were good, but I kept thinking about the way I saved my marriage. Books such as this one helped, but the one thing that brought my husband and I back together, and created more intimacy than anything we had tried so far, was to perfect our oral sex techniques. Oral sex is perhaps the most intimate of sex acts. If you want to read the book that saved my marriage, check out Was that an earthquake? The Sensuous Couple's (Flip Over) Guide to Seismic Oral Sex. It's great!

Dr. Schnarch might be well-served to take a lesson from military briefings: Tell them what you are going to tell them; Tell them; Tell them what you have told them. Never was a big fan of that process, but this book could benefit from it. Indeed, that - combined with the good doctor's appropriation of words for meanings other than that with which they are usually ascribed (the book could use a good definition section) - makes for a confusing lurch through an important subject.

There is language here that can best be described as psycho-babble: "The process of becoming can lead you to act in ways that still exceeds the limits of your self-image." Or: "At another time in another context, [her] statement was the path of differentiation. Now it was the epitome of emotional fusion."

Emotional fusion is bad; "f-ing" is good; one must "differentiate"; one must "self-soothe"; you must survive "crucibles." (Now "crucible" in this context is a seriously intellectual word, but you'd think the author would want to reach a lot more people other than those who understand the word has more meaning that that of a pot used for melting.) I read the whole book - and experienced an almost physical sense of relief when I reached the last chapters where he pulls it together.

The bottom line of what he is saying, in a highly intellectual manner, is that good marriages are those in which people maintain their own independent identity; partners are not responsible for the happiness of their partner; only when you come together - aware of your own needs and wants and intent on ensuring they are met (too), can two people avoid the abyss of emotional fusion. Bottom line: be yourself no matter how scary; don't allow yourself to be made a slave to the idiosyncrasies and vagaries of your partner; own your feelings.

In short, two halves don't make a whole; two wholes make a complete relationship.

In the middle of a relationship it becomes easy to focus on what your partner should be doing and there are a lot of books and therapists which will feed into this type of thinking. This book explains why you should work on yourself.
In most relationships the problem is that couples are too emotionally interconnected. They support each other but if this support is relied on then it hurts the individual. They become unable to reveal themselves as they are but instead as their partner expects them to be.
Only by validating themselves will people be able to free themselves and grow.
There's much more in the book...

I will put it bluntly. My relationship was on the rocks. Outwardly we were the perfect couple and family, but one day my world crashed around me.

This book helped me understand that my relationship to myself is as important as my relationship to my wife. When I started to look inward and understand my own feelings, and then share them with my wife, our relationship started to turn around. (She was missing that part of me, and I was missing that part of her.) This book opened doors in my mind. It is a little hard to read, but stick with it.

If you are reading this, I assume you are struggling. I am sorry. Read this book, seek individual and marriage counseling. Also read "Intimacy After Infidelity" even if an affair hasn't happened. It explains the stages of a relationship, the causes of problems, and how to work through them. I wish I was given these books earlier in my life. They provide tools for living. Good luck.

The basic thesis of this book is that you need to be 'differentiated' in order to have good sex in marriage. Unfortunately, nowhere it is explained exactly what this means and only after having read through numerous case-studies it becomes slowly clear that 'differentiated' means something like self-confident. Why couldn't the author just say so? Instead of explaining his concepts we have to read page after page through verbatim dialogues of his sessions with his clients. I don't want to be too harsh but it appears as if these endless verbatim dialogues serve mainly the function of showing off, what a great therapist Dr. Schnarch is and how many clever things he says. The reader certainly would have benefited far more from some clear and concise explanations with some practical suggestions. What is worse, the vague and wishy washy approach of this book shows just how undifferentiated the author is himself. Instead of standing up for his ideas he throws bucket full of case studies at us which make us - the reader - totally 'enmeshed' (= mixed up) with him because it is near to impossible to take a stand for or against of what he says.
Unfortunately, my wife and I did not benefit from this book at all. But we found a big turn-around in this book: The 6 secrets of a lasting relationship by Mark Goulston. In just one chapter he gives advice of of how to rekindle your sex-life that really really worked for us.

While I agree that this book is poorly written and messy, I throughly enjoyed reading this book (I've read it a couple of times). I think Dr. Schnarch's ideas are a bit complicated and the book is so messy, so many people (who like and dislike the book) have difficulty in putting the ideas in the book together. Here, I will summarize the main points of Dr. Schnarch's approach, and please feel free to comment me, so we can put all our ideas together.

1. As time passes within a relationship, two major problems occur: these are lack of emotion (relationship becoming too monotonous, void between partners), and too much conflict.

2. This problem arises because of a few reasons: first, deep emotional connection is anxiety provoking (the loved one may cheat, die, leave, etc) and as, in time, as people get closer, this anxiety grows. So, although we claim to seek intimacy, we also try to push our partner away, to reduce anxiety.

Another problem is, we all have conflicts about how we see ourselves and how our loved ones see us. We want to be seen by them in a certain way (we have a distorted self-image) and when they don't, we don't feel "loved", we get mad, or sad.

On one hand, we want to be accepted as who we are (unconditional love), yet mostly we are afraid that self-disclosure can get us rejected, hurt, etc. We dont take the risk of self-disclosure, so we dont have the possibility of feeling accepted.

3. We choose people with similar personal growth level to us in our relationships (and in our family, people already have similar growth levels), and sooner or later, we hit "the gridlock", which means a seemingly unsolvable conflict with deep emotional overtones.

4. The solution to this gridlock and the root of providing further intimacy is, to stop fighting our partner and confronting ourselves. However, this is hard because, it involves our very emotional hot-spots. It means going against your own weaknesses. The task is to discover who you are, and "getting yourself together".

5. Another problem with self-confrontation is that the society's values and opinions about love and relationships directly discourage self-confrontations and encourage conflict with your partnet. Yet, it is not possible that someone else accepts you for who you are, if you conflict with yourself abour who you are. We have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and relationships, mostly because things seem easier that ways (but in reality, it is much harder).

6. Sexuality is only an extention of a couple's emotional intimacy, not a biological function. Thus, self-confrontation and building true intimacy is good for a couple's passion and excitement (in and out of bed).

This book is just as much about personal development as it is about the marriage relationship. If you're looking for something that really gets at how & why relationships work the way they do & how to resolve things at a deeper level, this book is for you. It is *not* a how-to manual and is not full of tools & techniques. What I love about this book is that it isn't just about having great sex/chemistry/passion in general but about having those things with your partner. It's about resolving the issues in a relationship in a way that results in great sex, rather than the other way around.

The concepts of emotional fusion and differentiation were very helpful as were some of the recommended techniques for overcoming unhealthy dynamics of emotional fusion. The book certainly helped me understand the destructive dynamics of some of my relationships. Unfortunately, the writing is very, very dense and difficult to read. There's also a lot of unnecessary repetition. Overall, I would buy the book again but would also be more willing to skim all but the first 5 chapters.

Was given a copy of PM from our family practice doc when I went in for severe marriage-related anxiety. Schnarch's focus on transforming ourselves into better people (and thus partners) rather than doling out techniques has completely changed my way of thinking about myself and my marriage. I know now that marital problems are the normal process by which we are forced to confront ourselves and improve over the course of our lives, rather than being things to avoid. Couldn't recommend this book more strongly.

This book literally changed my life. I read A LOT and have read many self-help books. David Schnarch has a way of connecting with you right from the start and his real-life examples are a way of helping you to realize that every couple has issues to deal with.

I have recommended this book to so many friends for so many reasons and no one has been disappointed with it. As a matter of fact they are now recommending it to their friends. Don't miss out on a chance to make your marriage/life/relationship better and more fulfilling.

The key concepts of this guide to marriage are: 1. that low-desire and high-desire are equally valid, 2. that the low-desire partner controls what happens in the bedroom and, 3. that the high-desire partner has to become more "differentiated", able to "self-sooth" [masturbate?] and thus become emotionally detached from the other's behaviour.



Schnarch claims that almost every couple attending his workshops, subsequently enjoys more satisfying and more frequent sex. Yet, if the author were correct in his assertion that low-desire and high-desire are equally valid, a similar number of couples would have been satisfied with the status quo or with even less intimate, less frequent sex.



While Schnarch correctly states that the low-desire partner controls the bedroom, he fails to draw the obvious conclusion: That, if the low-desire partner is not interested in changing, not interested in taking steps towards a more satisfying relationship, the strategy for the high-desire partner may be to reverse roles by becoming the low-desire partner, thus taking control away from the low-desire partner.



For most high-desire partners, the only way to achieve this is to find fulfilment elsewhere, probably in the arms of another.



Hardly a recipe though, for "keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships."



In summary: While helping some couples towards a better marriage, this book fails to live up to its claim, that one partner can necessarily mend the relationship without cooperation from the other.

I sent my review more than ten business days ago. Why has it not appeared?

This book is an essential book for couples and for therapists. What I got from reading this book was that the best thing couples can do for their relationship is to keep on growing as an individual and to develop the ability to self-soothe, and to manage the aggression in the relationship. People often have the notion that passion dies as the novelty wears off, but this book asserts that physical intimacy is actually most possible in relationships that are long-term, monogamous, and high in emotional intimacy. I like the openness, candor, and hopefulness in this book, and can't recommend it highly enough.

I loved this book!! I read it first and then my wife did. We learned tons and it has opened up our sex life so much! Being raised in an emotionally closed family, this book taught me how to open up and tell and show my wife that i love her.

This book has done wonderful things for my husband and I. Dr. Schnarch's approach is unique, but it makes a lot of sense. The hypothetical sessions are a bit staged and hard to believe, which can be difficult to read through. But the messages and major themes Schnarch arrives at by the end of each chapter make the book absolutely worthwhile. Warning: don't use this as a substitute for marriage or relationship counseling if your relationship is in trouble. Use this as a supplement to keep you on track between sessions.

I think this book is improperly titled. I think it is more of a sex manual than a guide to helping you keep your passion and love alive in a marriage, which is what I'd hoped for.

The book was in good condition, there was a small problem with something tucked away in the book that should not have been there, but the response from the seller was QUICK and Apologetic and an immediate full refund was given. He is an upstanding guy and I would definately buy again. Matter of fact....I had ordered the SAME book from another seller and NEVER recieved it AT ALL...then a week later got a notice they were sold out ... What a jerk . THIS SELLER was not at all like the other seller and I would recommend him and his books ! Just thumb through before you give it as a gift...just in case * Wink*

"Passionate Marriage" isn't just about sex, it's also about intimacy--what may be missing from couples' sex lives--and how to obtain it. The author gives clear guidelines on how to relate on more than a sexual level; it's mostly to do with the emotional availibility of the persons involved. This book really opened my eyes up to the reality of sexual relations--if you want it, you have to work at it. I've found myself referring to this book over and over for more in-debth analysis.

Definitely get it if you need help in this area. Another sex book that helped me was "Good Sex, a woman's guide" as well.

I was given the name of this book in 2003 by a friend who is a therapist. It came at a time where I needed insight in dealing with a relationship shift that had occurred. I read this book and I highly reccommend it to everyone young and old. I believe it is a foundation to learn how to have a relationship with yourself, there by allowing others to have a relationship with you. I believe in the approaches and techniques used in this book, there are useful simple techniques to apply to your life. I don't believe it is just a book for couples. I have been a advocate for this book for over a year, many copies have been purchased for family and friends. Step up to the plate, its time to live your life.

Author of
THE TRUTH
ABOUT CAFFEINE

This is not a book to read through in a week. It should be absorbed slowly and discussed in detail. It was recommended to be by a couselor who used it as part of therapy. After starting it I bought a second copy for my 'bride to be.' We read it through chapter by chapter- under lining, highlighting, and writing thoughts in the margins. It was one of the best things we could have done to invest in a lasting relationship. We have recommended it to many others and given it as gifts to friends.


Marina Kushner
Author
The Truth About Caffeine: How Companies That Promote It Deceive Us and What We Can Do about It

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating. It was obvious that the things were going in a bad direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book!

It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand, and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use to improve several aspects of our marriage now. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.

Dr. Schnarch's book also contains a chapter about better [...]. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as premature [...] (semi) impotence, etc, which have very negative effect on a marriage. That's why in addition I highly recommend the bestseller [...] which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and started enjoying great pleasure in bed.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating. It was obvious that the things were going in a bad direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book!

It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand, and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use to improve several aspects of our marriage now. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.

Dr. Schnarch's book also contains a chapter about better sex. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as premature ejacul., (semi) impotence, etc, which have very negative effect on a marriage. That's why in addition I highly recommend the bestseller "Scientificlly guaranteed multiple orgasms & ultimate sex" by scientist Ritz, which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and started enjoying great pleasure in bed.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating. It was obvious that the things were going in a bad direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book!

It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use to improve several aspects of our marriage now. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.

Dr. Schnarch's book also contains a chapter about better sex. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as premature ejac., (semi) impotence, etc which have very negative effect on a marriage. That's why in addition I highly recommend "Scientificlly guaranteed multi-orgasms and ultimate sex" by scientist Ritz, which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and started enjoying great pleasure in bed.

Many times in the last month I've recommended an old stand-by book by marriage counsellor and psychotherapist David Schnarch. Why? Because it has some very important concepts about how things work. Not just quick fixes, to-do's, tips, and techniques, but real information that can lead couples to a new way of thinking, and therefore approaching, their committed relationships and sex lives.

I'll be the first to admit that Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships is not the most well written book. The first quarter of it is repetitive but the concepts are necessary to understand in order to fully realize the rest of its rich, valuable content. Bear with it; it gets better. It combines marital therapy and sex therapy (finally!) and recognizes how the two are linked and must be dealt with. Based on Schnarch's first book, The Sexual Crucible, (not recommended - too dry) it is essentially for those self-actualized individuals, often more mature couples, who are willing to commit to working through the process of facing themselves first. It understands and discusses how men and women differ in prioritizing their relationship (men tend to let the relationship suffer to hold on to their sense of self; women let their sense of self suffer to hold on to the relationship). It also explains why compromise is not always possible and why it's often not the best option.

Committed relationships can be a wonderful arena for personal growth and one's capacity for sexual fulfillment and intimacy grows as one ages. Passionate Marriage talks about the process of marriage with insights that should have a positive affect on all one's relationships, both intimate and casual.

Written in 1998, with over a half a million copies sold, it was followed up in 2003 by the audio CD, Secrets of a Passionate Marriage (unabridged).

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating. It was obvious that the things were going in a bad direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book!

It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use to improve several aspects of our marriage now. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.

Dr. Schnarch's book also contains a chapter about better sex. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as premature ejac., (semi) impotence, etc which have very negative effect on a marriage. That's why in addition I highly recommend "Scientifically guaranteed multi-orgasms and ultimate sex" by A. Ritz, which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and started enjoying great pleasure in bed.

Diminished sexual desire is the clear problem of focus for most couples I now see in my private practice as a psychologist and sex therapist. This book is one that is written for mature individuals who can harness the energy of a committed relationship and find a meaningful and powerful substitute for the spiritually empty variations of excitement so often marketed in the self-help section of the bookstore.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating. It was obvious that the things were going in a bad direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book!

It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use to improve several aspects of our marriage now. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.

Dr. Schnarch's book also contains a chapter about better sex. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as premature ejac., (semi) impotence, etc which have very negative effect on a marriage. That's why in addition I highly recommend "Scientifically guaranteed multi-orgasms and ultimate sex" by A. Ritz, which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and started enjoying great pleasure in bed.

What I liked best about this book was its approach to sexual realtionships with yourself and by that I mean, if you first have a healthy perspective of sex that you've come to by yourself, then you can have one with someone else. The book really talks frankly about such issues that really can upset even the best sexual relationships. While it does center on love and intimacy, we should be aware that good sexual exncounter occur after trust is established. This book really gets to the root of the matter and tells how all this works and how you can make it work for yourself.

I would also recommend "Good Sex--a woman's guide to losing inhibition" (Charlotte Kane) in addition to this one. Both are good, solid books.

I do believe that most of couples have lost their sex driving after marriage. One of my friend just got married 6 months ago and I asked her how many times do they have sex in a month. She said sometimes 3 or 4 times, but more likely 2 times.

The book has a good focus on the interpersonal relationship and the importance of intense intimate connection between the partners.
I think the most important things on this book are the second section which gives detailed instructions on ways to make sex better and more intimate and the last chapters which show how sex and intimacy operate together in marriage.

Comprehensive excellent book with the best advices you might need.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating. It was obvious that the things were going in a bad direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book!

It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use to improve several aspects of our marriage now. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.

Dr. Schnarch's book also contains a chapter about better sex. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as premature ejaculation, (semi) impotence, etc which have very negative effect on a marriage. That's why in addition I highly recommend "Scientifically guaranteed multiple orgasms and ultimate sex" by Alan Ritz, which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and started having "ultimate sex".

I had bought and read a copy of this book about a year ago. I recently bought a second copy for my wife, and she is now reading it for the first time, as I am re-reading it. We are using it to work on our marriage. It is the best of the many things I have read on the subject, and it may well be instrumental in saving a marriage of twenty-six years.

Though this book is often found in the secular self-help section of your bookstore, it offers much more than "ten easy steps" to change your life. Though he seems negative towardss Christianity, Dr. Schnarch has observed God's laws of personal growth and articulates them in a deeper and more profound way than I have ever seen. Dr. Schnarch teaches a concept called "unilateral" movement. Unilateral movement is what one who lives out his or her integrity does. When one person acts out of his or her integrity by a unilateral expression of love, it affects the whole family system (marriage, small group...). This ability to act in love is based on personal holiness, what Dr. Schnarch calls: "differentiation." You know you are differentiated if you can be very emotionally and physically close to someone and still be separate (in contrast to being enmeshed). Integrating this through a biblical lens, I believe that we can safely conclude that a person who remains separate (emotionally) in close proximity to spouse or significant other is on the path to what I believe is personal holiness. Being set apart onto God doesn't mean we are far away from people. It means we love people without expecting anything in return. We love them unilaterally, not because of reciprocity (i.e. expecting an affirming response). We do not have to "hold out" on someone to make sure our needs for love, acceptance or affirmation our met, because we have Christ in us, the hope of glory. God has declared us righteous through Christ. We can define ourselves by God's rendering. Yet, as we walk in the Spirit, Christ is in us trying to manifest His glory, His righteousness. Sanctification is the process whereby we become more and more like Jesus Christ. This miraculous transformation is made by the power of the Spirit in us as we unilaterally unconditionally love God and others (Gal. 6:2; Romans 5:4-5). This book has helped me to better articulate an understanding of the importance of personal holiness and how it relates to marriage and other primary relationships. It has also given me new meaning to the pain we experience in our most significant relationships. The better people understand that God uses their suffering, especially in marriage, the more encouraged they become and the more likely they will let God use it to help us mature in Christ.

This book came recommended by a psychologist. Here Snarch sets out principles from real life situations and examples to help one better understand the dynamics involved in great marriages. While some of the descriptions are quite detailed, yet the text is readable and fairly easy to follow. Some of the text is very explicit, but in appropriate context for the subject matter. Overall it is highly recommended for anyone wanting to understand or improve a marriage.

This book isn't for people who don't want help in their marriage. It's for people who have tried everything else and all else has failed. But keep in mind, it don't let you off the hook. You have to be willing to analyze things and come to terms with things if you want to make it work. It's not only good for people who are married but for those in realtionships, whether short or long term. I also enjoyed and loved it, The Love Diet by Mabel Iam

This book isn't for people who don't want help in their marriage. It's for people who have tried everything else and all else has failed. But keep in mind, it don't let you off the hook. You have to be willing to analyze things and come to terms with things if you want to make it work. It's not only good for people who are married but for those in realtionships, whether short or long term. I also enjoyed and loved it, The Love Diet by Mabel Iam

Concepts and advice for keeping love fresh in long term relationships...
A priceless investment in your and your partner's happiness.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We have had a great time together but gradually we started being colder and less anticipating toward each other. It was obvious that the things were going in a wrong direction. I was reluctant to rely on a book but a friend of mine recommended me this one so I bought it. I completely agree that this is an excellent book!

It provides a lot of information in a pleasant and easy to understand and apply way. My wife was also fascinated and eagerly read it. It helped us to turn our conflicts into a positive and constructive tool, which we use now to improve several aspects of our marriage. It is especially helpful for couples who have lost more or less their intimacy and are willing to put some efforts to get it back. Trust me it is well-worth the time, conversations and the satisfaction of knowing that tomorrow will be better than today.

Dr. Schnarch’s book also contains a chapter about better sex. It is quite explicit. I know from personal experience that mature men tend to develop serious problems such as premature ejaculation, (semi) impotence, etc which can have very negative effect on a marriage. That’s why in addition I highly recommend Scientifically guaranteed male multiple orgasms and ultimate sex by Alan Ritz, which helped me to overcome quickly my problems and start having great sex.

It's common for sex to become routine after a few years of marriage. As your life gets busier with more responsibilities, it is easy to let passion slip away. Once the honeymoon is over, marriages too often drop down the priority list. Passion is replaced by the demands of parenthood, career, housework, errands, or just trying to get just a few extra minutes of sleep on the weekend.

In Passionate Marriage, psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch, PhD goes beyond the standard short-term solutions. His recommendations don't focus on island getaways for two, or romantic candlelit evenings spent in skimpy lingerie. Certainly, he recognizes the value of such activities. But as he points out, these are temporary solutions. They don't deal with the underlying causes of couples' problems.

In the book, Schnarch shows that putting passion back into your marriage requires "differentiation". This means standing up for what you believe in. When you differentiate you acknowledge yourself as your own person and deemphasize your role as someone else's spouse. As an individual in a relationship, you can be free to express and satisfy your own needs instead of just "being there" for your partner. This is very different from the conventional recommendations of marriage counselors and sex therapists.

The tone of the book is quite challenging and can be difficult to follow at times. Often, there are many technical phrases and jargon that make the book less easy to read than it could be. However, this complexity does not diminish the message of the book.

Schnarch states that intimacy and authentic sex don't actually start with communication between the partners. Instead, it begins with self-confrontation. This means that a great deal of courage is required for self-reflection and self-recognition. But the real challenge, according to the author is taking responsibility for what we find within ourselves.

The book manages to avoid reading like a textbook. Its main message comes through directly and cleanly. As a result, Schnarch's book preserves its readability and gives readers the guidance they're looking for.

Couples with relationship problems that they cannot fix and do not even really understand may well find this book to be a lifeline, but they should not assume that following the Passionate Marriage approach will make them happy in the end. Dr. Schnarch's thesis (highly simplified) is that married couples often wind up in "emotional gridlock" because, as important differences between them (such as disparate sexual desire) arise in the marriage, they cling to the illusion that their partner can be their everything. In a doomed effort to perpetuate this illusion, they "manage" conflict by doing things that violate their own integrity (e.g. having sex they don't want to have) or by demanding that their partner do things that violate their partner's integrity (e.g. have oral sex when the partner doesn't really like it); the result, ironically, is that they wind up feeling farther apart rather than closer together.

Dr. Schnarch's solution to "emotional gridlock" is to encourage you to maintain your integrity -- i.e. to "hold on to" yourself -- without pushing your spouse away: to be who you really are, and to let your spouse see who you really are, while at the same time letting your spouse know that you love and value your spouse and the relationship. The result is that you feel authentic in the relationship and your partner is given a chance to know and love the "real" you (and vice-versa). Dr. Schnarch calls this process of "holding on to" yourself while simultanesouly "holding on to" your spouse "differentiation." It can be an extremely painful process because it forces you to confront that fact that no one -- including your spouse -- can every fully "complete you," but it is an extremely hopeful process because it opens the door for you and your spouse to really see and love each other other for who you really are.

My one quarrel with Passionate Marriage is that while Dr. Schnarch freely admits that "differentiation" can be an extremely painful process, he implies, misleadingly (and perhaps unintentionally), that it always has a happy ending. The vignettes in his book typically involve emotionally gridlocked couples who are having very little sex and/or crummy sex (among other problems), who go through the painful process of differentiation, and who then start having frequent and/or passionate sex. Although I am sure that is the way it works for many couples, Dr. Schnarch fails to warn the reader loudly enough that frequent and/or great sex is not an inevitable result of differentiation.

For example, a fully differentiated woman married to a man who craves frequent and/or experimental sex might well come to realize (and accept) that, even after changing as much as she can to satsify her husband, she still desires sex only once every two months and/or simply does not enjoy certain types of sex. Her husband then has only two choices: accept the painful reality that he will never have the sex he craves, or get that sex from someone else (with all the negative consequences for the marriage which may result). True, the wife may now be compassionate and understanding about her husband's sexual disappointment and frustration (rather than feeling pressured, resentful, inadequate, etc.), and the husband may cease blaming his wife and being angry at her for low sexual desire/arousal problems that she simply cannot help, but the fact remains that their sex life will never be anything like what the husband wishes it would be.

I do not at all mean this as a criticism of differentiation, which is a natural part of human development that cannot be avoided in healthy long-term committed relationships. I also don't mean it as a criticism of Dr. Schnarch, since I am sure that all authors of self-help books highlight positive outcomes in order to sell their approach (not to mention copies of their book) to skeptics. I do, however, mean it as a serious criticism of Passionate Marriage, because I think the book undermines its own goals by making promises it can't keep. Over and over again, the book promises that the pain of differentiation is worth it because you "may" or "can" wind up having great -- even "electric" -- sex; although this is certainly true, it is also true that many couples who go through the process will not wind up having great, let alone electric, sex.

Freud once said that the goal of psychoanalysis is not to make the client happy, but rather to replace the client's neurotic misery with ordinary unhappiness. For many couples, that will be the result of differentiation: the hurt, distance, and anger that has plagued their marriage and/or sex life will be replaced by the ordinary unhappiness of living with a real spouse with real limitations. Those limitations may include sexual limitations. Differentiation might well enable you and your spouse to have the best marriage, and the best sex, the two of you are capable of having together (which is no small thing!), but the sex you wind up having may be nowhere near as frequent, passionate, or "electric" as the sex shared by the successful couples described in Passionate Marriage.

To decide whether to buy this book, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Are you in a committed relationship?
2. Are you and/or your partner experiencing dysfunction, frustration, anxiety or boredom in your sex life with each other?
3. Are you willing to put substantial personal effort into improving your relationship?

If you answered "yes" to the 3 above questions -- or if you're just interested in learning more about sexual relationships -- you should buy and read this book. It's not the hackneyed advice that you usually find about sex; most people will find the ideas in here new, fresh, interesting, and personally relevant.

I was put onto this book by my doctor to help me come to terms with my marriage breakdown and I only wish I had read it three years earlier!

It was scary how accurately the book described the reasons for the many problems that my marriage had, and how to go about resolving them.

Most marriages/relationships have their problems and, like mine, good sex (or the lack of it) is often a major one.

This book was a revelation in helping me to understand the reasons for our sexual disfunction.

It may be too late for me to resurrect my marriage, but I sure won't be making the same mistakes again.