This book is still holding it's ground in this genre because it has excellent descriptive value. I recommend reading it along with this one I've linked by Sarah Shikitao-Brown. They make an excellent combo of knowledge and solution. Tao Cycle Therapy: Natural Happiness via Self Directed Cure for Chronic Anxiety & Depression [Updated 2008 3nd Edition]

-Jane Stevens

This book is an excellent and must read for anyone dealing with a person with Borderline Disorder. It is clear and concise and offers an excellent approach to dealing with a person with Borderline Disorder. It is an important book that both persons with the disorder, as well as, loved ones and those closest to the person with the disorder should read. I would highly recommend it.

i would have given this book more than three stars if it could have gone into considerably more detail about how to live with a borderline. it has a brief chapter on the SET approach to living with or counselling someone with borderline. Support, Empathy and Truth, but to be honest there are times when this just does not work. so... more needed on how to live with and love ones partner, parent or whomsoever who is afflicted by borderline personality disorder.

it may take a long period of time before someone with BPD starts to display their BPD. you could have been coexisting happily for say five years, with long long talks about problems and fears about this and that, without any real rage been directed at you. as time goes on however someone suffering from BPD will start to shout at you, as if you were the enemy he were raging at. then you will be criticised and run down for not being good enough... for not caring and not understanding him. what started as a beautiful relationship gets very difficult. this is because BPD suffers see things in black and white, without any shades of grey. you are either completely good or completely bad. even the smallest of mistakes turns you into a monster, and this will not be forgotten. there will be days however when all is fine and then other days (infact possibly every day) when you are seen as evil... after all the kind things he has done for you and you have done for him. this is since there is no contiuity in his view of the world. every day he has to prove himself to you and you have to again prove yourself to him. you have made sacrifices and they are all forgotten. every one of them. this is very hard for someone with BPD, but also disheartening and frightening for the partner who lives with him.

a BPD sufferer will sometimes truthfully tell you that he doesnt love you. he did at the beginning, but now he has begun to use you 'the bad guy' as a cross on which to pin all his pain and frustration. this is not love, the love has gone. and this tends to happen when there are stressful circumstances in his life.

BPD suffers are regularly suffering genuine stress related pain and physical ailment, boils on leges etc etc. as a result they are in and out of doctors surgeries. headaches, chest pain, palpitations. these pains make them worry and the worry eventually becomes abusive. BPD sufferers are quite often obsessive. the position of the tooth-paste tube is important on the sink. cleanliness can be very important. fear is a major factor.

like a child... one moment he loves you and the next he is raging at you (switching). not i have to say his fault. this is an illness often resulting from an awfully traumatic childhood. it is hard to write sensitively about BPD, especially when ones ex-best mate has it.

i believe that if the raging becomes too bad that a partner must give him the option to undergo therapy, or to go into hospital, or if not she must leave him. at least thats my take on it. thats the truth. as with a child, structure and boundaries are need, but they MUST be stuck to. if you say something and dont do it, even though he tests your boundaries, inconsistency will lead to even more demanding, manipulating and testing. these things are not done willfully, but are largely emotionally driven and he is i believe unaware that he is doing them most of the time. it is very important to reassure him that YOU are unhappy that he is suffering so badly, and that this upsets you (Sympathy), you have to let him know that you know he is suffering, you can see it (empathy). and try whenever possible to speak the truth.

unfortunately in my experience boundaries were almost always brushed aside and ignored. my own needs and need for sleep and rest for example, a break from the giving out (lengthy one sided talks about the problems and evils of this and that). if he will not respect your boundaries you will need to take action, and this could mean leaving him.

borderlines think like children and even speak in a childish voice from time to time. it is very hard for them to see that their actions have consequences, but they need to learn this. its hard to balance sympathy and empathy with truth. but the truth is that this world is not a loving family, people are inconsistent. he needs to learn that people have their good days and their bad days, not to see them as all evil or all good.

the encouraging thing about this book is that it says there may be 'some' improvement in the borderlines behaviour, it may take a 'very' long time to see this, but it is possible that he may mellow through the years using the SET approach. it could however get worse. it must be noted that this book was written in 1989, and much has changed since then. i believe myself that medication will help him. (neuroleptics/antipsychotics) if he can be persuaded to take them. the Truth aspect of SET must be proposed to him. its "take the pills, or i leave" "i love you, i have tried to help you, but you must take these pills." or undergo psychotherapy of some kind. as you know confronting him with the truth about his behaviour may cause an eruption of anger, but this must be done sensitively and lovingly. try not to argue, just state the facts lovingly and gently as possible. continuous reassurance is needed.

if he is suicidal he will tell you not to call the hospital to show your respect for him. tell him, you wouldnt have told me unless you want me to protect you. therefore i am going to call the hospital. consequences. he must learn (though he will find this very hard to understand) that there must be consequences to his behaviour. if you are afraid to call the hospital through any kind of fear. then its time for you to be leaving. just call a friend hop in a car and go. anywhere, there are hostels in most towns. call your brother or sister, or a good friend. you need to talk to an old friend about this.

if he's threatening to kill himself and you are saying you will die with him, nows definitely the time to leave. but as a final word, this could be a very dangerous situation you are in, probably not. i spent five years with my ex-friend and never once felt uncomfortable, it would be unwise to not take his suicide threats seriously, but you have to live your own life. allowing someone to be dependent on you is very unhealthy and could result in your own destruction. dont answer his calls, you can write him a letter to explain that you need to get on with your own life now. he will try to come back to you, but you must stick to your word, unless you want to sacrifice your own happiness and possibly your own life.

there will be some who will say that what i am saying is rubbish. if those boundaries are respected fine, but i can tell you now they may well be ignored and will definitely be tested.

with love, from snow-flake. xxx

little indicators of hidden BPD. easily getting irritated, poor sleep patterns, long periods of talking, without listening much to your views about things. loving and hating things. not respecting your little needs, criticism of you of any kind, even if its just in a hint and not direct. often talks of fear of loneliness (i guess the borderline is affected by this far worse than most people.)

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

I bought this book as both someone working in the field, and someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This book was written in the 80's and is very outdated to begin with. What really got to me, however, is the way things were phrased. First, it links sexual orientation with a patient having an unstable self-identity. Personally, I am a lesbian and that is quite stable and has been for the past 10 years (I am 24 years old). It also links sexual orientation with sexual deviance. Enough said. Next, it mentions that a reason BPD is becoming more prevalent is because of women's changing roles: juggling home and career. That would be fine to say if it wasn't for the authors coming off like this is a problem in society, that women are in the workforce now. Perhaps the authors meant it differently, but to me, it said that women should be in the home and men should be at work. Overall, as someone who already had a background in this disorder both personally and professionally, I did not find the book useful. I have bought their second book, "Sometimes I Act Crazy," which I am hoping is more up-to-date and less biased.

I was told I had BPD at a young age but didn't really understand what that meant..Borderline of what I kept asking but still never got a good answer. I came across this book and it was my life summed up. It helped me understand what I was doing and how to deal with it for the most part.
The end was a little dry but I felt better just knowing I was not the only person with BPD.

I have some borderline traits, and this book came highly recomended to me. I wasn't impressed at all. First, it simply needs updating to include newer medications and treatment options. That was a big thing that I noticed. The other major problem that I had with the book is that it seems much more geared towards people who know someone with BPD and not people who have (or think they may have) BPD. I walked away from the book feeling like I hadn't learned anything useful that could help me understand and work towards overcoming my extreme anger issues. Fortunatley, this is my second BPD book to read, so I did not walk away from it thinking there was no hope. The first book I read was "Get Me Out of Here", an autobiographical book from a BPD sufferer, Rachel Reiland. I would definitely recommend her book over this one.

I have some borderline traits, and this book came highly recomended to me. I wasn't impressed at all. First, it simply needs updating to include newer medications and treatment options. That was a big thing that I noticed. The other major problem that I had with the book is that it seems much more geared towards people who know someone with BPD and not people who have (or think they may have) BPD. I walked away from the book feeling like I hadn't learned anything useful that could help me understand and work towards overcoming my extreme anger issues. Fortunatley, this is my second BPD book to read, so I did not walk away from it thinking there was no hope. The first book I read was "Get Me Out of Here", an autobiographical book from a BPD sufferer, Rachel Reiland. I would definitely recommend her book over this one.

this book is dated (published in 1989 a lot can happen in 20 years), and heavy on annecdotal recollections. for every nugget of useful information/advise, there are two or three examples of borderlines in action. these "war stories" do not offer much in the way of advice or coping options. anyone who has been in a relationship with a BPD (marriage/divorce, professional, friendship, etc.) knows the drill. I agree with the reviewer who advises "don't make this your first BPD book". the book has value, but I found the helpful parts few and far between. put this fourth on fifth on your reading list.

Our family has come in contact with this disorder and nobody had a clue what was going on. The title alone drew me in because it related so closely to what I have been witnessing. Within the first three chapters, I almost wore out my highlighter. So much was similar to our situation that I was flabbergasted! I have a lot more to research on the subject, but this was a good start.

I definitely recommend!

If it wasn't for this book, I would have never knew what the hell was wrong with me. I didn't understand by standard depression therapy and medications weren't working and I didn't understand why (still don't) my relationships always seemed so shallow. I recommend you read this book and then quickly follow it up with his second one "Sometimes I act crazy!" they have truly helped me change my life.

I bought it because I thought it would help me understand my diagnosis. It made me feel utterly hopeless. I lent it to the woman I was rapidly falling love with. We referred to it as the "Doom and Gloom" book, initially trying to be light about things. Eventually, of course, life (including BPD) caught up with us.

This is such a damaging book. This book lists nightmare story after nightmare story, suggests that we can't get better, and then guesses at who may or may not have been suffering with BPD - a famous woman who killed herself, an infamous man who killed millions.

If the author is a doctor he should have his license revoked - first do no harm, isn't that how it goes? To publish this drivel, then add unproven theories and present it the way it's presented is dangerous and irresponsible.

Sadly, yes, BPD sufferers can inflict pain on others. This book can only cause grave misunderstandings, prejudice, and more pain. It is horribly one sided and does a disservice to BPD sufferers and non-BPD sufferers alike.

I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone other than to use it as kindling.

I bought it because I thought it would help me understand my diagnosis. It made me feel utterly hopeless. I lent it to the woman I was rapidly falling love with. We referred to it as the "Doom and Gloom" book, initially trying to be light about things. Eventually, of course, it caught up with us.

This is such a damaging book. This book lists nightmare story after nightmare story, suggests that we can't get better, and then guesses at who may or may not have been suffering with BPD - a famous woman who killed herself, an infamous man who killed millions.

If the author is a doctor he should have his license revoked - first do no harm, isn't that how it goes? To publish this drivel, then add unproven theories and present it the way it's presented is dangerous and irresponsible.

Sadly, yes, BPD sufferers can inflict pain on others. And if that happens, and that person has this book as their reference or guide, you can be guaranteed to be misunderstood, have assumptions made about you, and have other people deciding your motivations... and guaranteed that all the conclusions will be harsh and negative and one sided.

I wouldn't recommend this book to anyone other than to use it as kindling.

through examples of real people, the author explains the different aspects of this disorder. if you want to read about borderline personality disorder start here.

It seems as though the editor spell-checked this but that was all. Here are some examples of the poor writing:

He feel (sic) compelled to self punish

The borderline may often by (sic) the victim of recurrent quasi-accidents

The doctors could not nothing (sic) to help Margaret

Give me a break. Some interesting information, but I could not wait to be done with this book.

This book is very interesting but informative at the same time. Sometimes these disorders are hard to relate to but this author gives a name and a face to BPD. Overall a great book.

I found this book full of despair and hopelessness. I bought it b/c my daughter's mother-in-law has this disorder. It is a misery living near her. She has just about destroyed their 10 year marriage and even the 4 yr old will say things to her grandma "Do you have ANY idea what you are talking about?" This book made us realize there is NOTHING that can be done to stop this woman from pushing and pulling at the same time. We are educated about anxiety, bipolar and depression and have witnessed remarkable control of symptoms. This book offered NOTHING.
AND FOR THREE YEARS IT POPS UP ON MY HOME PAGE FROM AMAZON --ALWAYS -- ALTHOUGH I HAVE BOUGHT HUNDREDS OF OTHER BOOKS AND NEVER WANT TO SEE THIS AGAIN. I have "deleted" it from my browsing reviews three times but it never, ever leaves. There is no way to contact Amazon and I honestly do not think I can tolerate being reminded of this book on a daily basis.

This book did not hold my attention--my mind would wander. Put it aside several times but I finished with a struggle.

This book is well written and informative, but also very tough at times to get though technical language. I did learn a lot about a loved one by reading it, but it took commitment to get through. :)

This book was a wonderful resource for me as a crisis counselor. My clients found many of the exercises to be therapeutic.

Living with a wife who has this issue has been very difficult. We've been married for 24 years. We have four beautiful children...so it is possible. This book helped explain the issues and gave me some new ideas for responding to the next crisis.

This book resonated so strongly and was the most informative of any I have read (and ive read them all), but it lacked all hope. You really have to personally have experienced all the situations described to understand how words like "manipulative" and the characterization of bp in general would impact someone struggling so hard to make sense of irrational behaviors that in fact do seem to conform to such motives. I felt so demeaned and hopeless, completely objectified. It was overwhelming.

I don't know if this book will be any help to you but it was NOT to me...

My wife only read the 1st chapter, "I HATE YOU..." and then she stopped...

I think she found her answer :)

This book was received in the requested time frame. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to get this book, read it, review it and tell others what I discovered.

I wish I had known about this book years ago. Knowing how to put up boundaries with a BPD is very valuable. It is right on target.

When I first read this book, I had to stop after each chapter..sometimes after each paragraph to cry. At last, there were people who understood and felt what I had been going through my whole life. It was such a relief. The only down side is that the book is a bit dated.

After a few weeks, I got up the courage to show the book to my husband and suggest that he read it. After all, I'm the one with BPD. When I showed him the book, he said, "Oh, our marriage therapist gave me this book to help me understand you better." My only regret is that I didn't learn about this book sooner.

This book is a good introduction to BPD for the lay person. It is not the final word for a clinical professional. Should be read with the understanding that there are gradations of BPD, as exists among all mental illnesses.

When I read the opening chapter on "Jennifer," my ex jumped out at me. It was as if Kreisman and Straus had met and perfectly captured her personality. The insights into those with a trapped child psyche made sense of the nearly incomprehensible behavior patterns of those we love and have failed to reach. More importantly, the authors provide guidelines into how to respond to these suffering human beings. I wish I had read this book before the relationship hit the rocks; it would have helped me understand what was happening with her and how to respond to her crisis. I do disagree with the authors on one point; those with BPD are not really manipulative. From what I've read and seen, BPDs are so focused on maintaining their adult facades that they have little ability to manipulate those that love them. Their behavior is nearly always defensive and self-preserving, a by-product of fear and resulting anger.

This book is an absolute must read for someone who knows little or nothing about BPD. If you want to know more be sure to order this book you will be glad you did.

"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me", is a short and (bitter) sweet book on the topic of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This book provides tangible and lucid examples and/or case studies in order to understand the disorder and the pathology it develops from. The examples and/or case studies are painted in story format and are very easy to digest and read practically in story format.

In my experience with BPD I have discovered that this disorder is usually misdiagnosis as another disorder, such as Bipolar Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Schizophrenia or just plain old Depression. This book also tries to remove any conjectures in regards to myths about BPD. For instance, that this disorder only effects women or only transpires if there is a history of abuse. It provides the information in black and white. However, there is a strong legend for the rest of the information that mainly is gray.

I realize that there has been some criticism that this book is dated and provides little valid information in the 21st century, since it was written about 20 years ago. In some ways I would agree and in other ways I would not.

This book was written in 1989, so yes there is still this freeze on some of the substance. For example, some aspects of the Cold War and Russia are provided as examples in understanding BPD and Social Sciences. Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but reading this book 18 years later it seems more like a reference in history than social sciences. Yet one could argue that history, BPD and social sciences are all the same thing. Also since this book has been written, gender roles have come a long way, so has technology and psychological research. When this book was written the DSM-III was the psychological frame of reference, not the DSM-IV-TR, what is currently being used.

BPD is still very much a new disorder, not in the fact that it hasn't been around for a long time, but that it is just recently has begun to be understood. There are more references to it in textbooks, research, personality classification and pop culture (such as novels and film). It is not as much of a "leftover disorder" as it used to be. This means, that professionals in the mental health and/or substance abuse field are beginning to see the influence that BPD has in the realm of psychology and social sciences.

As for this book providing no hope for people suffering from BPD and this book could cause more damage than good, well I don't know. I don't have BPD, so I don't know how I could have reacted to this information if I was suffering from BPD. Nevertheless, this book provides treatment techniques, how to seek support, what type of medication that can aid the client/person of BPD and no "cure" transpires overnight. So these former notions might not mesh with the holistic ideology of client/person with BPD.

Overall, this is a great starting point for anyone, professional or common person, to introduce themselves to this interesting and perplexing personality disorder. However, this book should not be the only form of treatment for anyone. It should be treated as a frame of reference, not the "say all of the disorder". In other words, if you were hungry and wanted a sandwich to eat, should you read a book about how to prepare a sandwich, or you should you go and consume one?

If you want to save your relationship, this is the book to read for both of you.

I encourage all newly diagnosed BPD individuals to find the time to read this alone. This is a time for learning about oneself and this book is integral. For those who haven't read it in 5 or more years, it may be time to reread as one reexperiences the struggles that make this illness so debilitating and socially paralyzing.

This book was first published in 1989, and it's kind of surprising how far the understanding of BPD and the available treatments have come since then. For example, this book predates the development of SSRIs and SNRIs, so they are of course not discussed. Nor is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which has become recognized as the most effective means of mitigating BPD among those who desire to change. The authors are pretty reliant on Freudian psychology, too, which will strike most readers as old-fashioned. All this aside, however, this book is valuable for gaining familiarity with the disorder. This should not be the only thing you read about BPD, as the 1989 perspective might lead you to believe that no effective therapy exists.

The book was informative but it was very dry. it reads like a medical manual. they did make a lot of good points though.

great for therapy and good for young readers with attachment issues, and push-pull relationships Borderline issues

This is a great book. I already have a copy and I bought this one as a gift for my daughter, who expressed interest in the topic. I would highly recommend this book to both professionals and laypeople. It is an easy read with nice clear examples and professional references.

Read It and weep. It will be discouraging to recognize that some lovedone fits so well the description herein of Boderline Personality Disorder. Yet, to know and to understnd are truly the first steps toward adjustment and reconcilliation, for patient as well as others who are concerned and often victims. Facts are presented dispassionately, leaving little to encourage the reader.

Kreisman's book will help clinician and layman alike cut throug the maze of confusion while giving not ony helpful insights, but a few "to-do" ideas that may well be the most beneficial therapy some BPD's receive.

I've known for a while that something was definitely not right with me. After reading a brief description of BPD, and upon recommendation from a friend, I picked up this book. It has impacted my life more than I can say. 75% of the book is now highlighted, and at parts I almost burst into tears. How someone could take daily struggles and print them in paperback was beyond me. Identifying the problems haven't eliminated them, but have helped me to start working through them and seek help. I would recommend this book to anyone directly or indirectly coping with Borderline Personality Disorder. It didn't make me want to kill myself; it made me want to learn more about the disorder and how to resolve it.

While reading this book, I kept wondering how the author had read my mind and put them in words with this publication. Being envolved with someone with BPD, I had often known that something was wrong but couldn't pin point it. Often, I thought that I was the insane one in the relationship. Finally, when it was brought to my attention that he might be suffering from BPD, I was recommended this book. The book is simple to read, yet it address the condition and its symptoms. It also talks about how to seek help and communicate with someone effected with BPD. This book helped me get over my doubts and insecurities about myself and realize that the problem, which was a textbook condition, lied with my partner. I can only imagine how many people out there are envolved with individuals with BPD and are suffering in those relationships!

Actually I bought the book for a friend of mine. But she had read it before and said it is a great book for dealing with people with bi-polar issues and others like it. I have not read it for myself yet.

Having witnessed firsthand the ravages of someone with BPD, this is the first book I've read that captures your interest and attention almost immediately, and expresses the entire matter in terms that those of us who are not "health care professionals" can understand, RELATE TO and LEARN FROM.

Unlike other books that discuss the affliction and leave you feeling a little confused, this one hits the mark.

One small nit - the quality of both the paper used and print itself leaves a lot to be desired. Looks like it was printed using a 10 year old inkjet with a bad black cartridge - in fairness, you CAN read all of the words. Perhaps I just got a "Monday morning" copy...

This book explains borderline personality disorder using a simple language and clear examples. Recommended even to those who do not know much about the borderline pathology.

When I first discovered this book, I found this book and the title alone summed up all of my relationships I had had up to that time (I was only 19). It was as if someone had written a book about me, I was relieved that I wasn't the only person in the world who went through what I was going through. I was able to take a look at my behaviors and make a conscious effort to change them. For years this book was essential reading for anyone involved in a relationship with me. If you are Borderline or love someone that is, your life will improve at least a bit after reading this book.

This book was recommended by my therapist to help me deal with my girlfriend and her BPD. I have been a Registered Nurse for 26 years and had never even heard of the things that this book taught me. It saved our relationship by educating me. I learned how not to play into it and make it worse. I also read, "Walking on Egg Shells".

This is a great book for an inside look at Borderline Personality Disorder.

If you have a person with BPD in life this book is a must have. If you have BPD it will help you understand that some of your behaviors that seem unusual to other are understandable and can be explained and treated. This book explains the difference between this BPD and other mental illnesses. Many BPD's have other concurrent mental problems and treating a personality disorder is very different than say treating bipolar disorder.
This book saved my relationship by helping me understand the BPD in my life and helping that person to understand what the disorder has meant in terms of our relationship. A wonderful book, buy it now.

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me is packed full of useful information if you are a clinician. It is very useful in understanding BPD but falls short in entertaining the reader. I have referred this book to many of my clients, but more times then not the client returns saying they could not finish the book because it was so difficult to read. Unfortunately, there are very few noteworthy books about BPD on the market. The exceptions and what I recommend if you are involved in a BPD relationship (friends, family, significant other) is #1 One Way Ticket To Kansas by Ozzie Tinman, #2 Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger.

Few books have changed my life. This one has. I highly recommend it for anyone who is:
1. In a relationship with a BP
2. Recovering from a relationship with a BP
or
3. Considering a relationship with a BP.

I'm a number 2. First and foremost the book will relieve you of a lot of guilt and longing, since you will stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong. And if you had a true experience, I'm sure a lot of things went wrong.

The book is worth it for the first 50 pages alone. Just by reading those pages you'll have a feel for what your getting into with a BP. The characterizations and lists of traits, with good examples, are accurate and understandable.

How has the book changed my life? After 3.5 years with an enthralling, fascinating, brilliant and sexy BP as my girlfriend and ultimately, my fiance, well, I had to call the police on her once too often and she left the state. Now she is asking to come home. The book gave me a clear understanding of how intense my commitment must be, and how much I must sacrifice to try it again. The relationship had left me near-suicidal, depressed, and feeling unworthy of another relationship. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, NOW I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE. I know much of it is NOT my fault. So I've decided to move on. The book did that.

This book was very informative on BPD. The case studies included were very helpful in helping to understand more clearly. This book is user friendly. I ran through this book very quickly, I had a hard time putting it down. After reading this book I felt so much more informed about BPD which seems to be a mystery to so many.

I was very excited when I received this book. Because being diagnosed with BPD myself left wanting some information about the disorder, I decided to purchase this book. The book was pretty easy to read and comprehend, but it just wasn't as informative about the disorder as I had orginally hoped. Also, I noticed quite a few typo's in this book. It was a nice book, but just not what I was looking for in regards to information about BPD.

I read this book when I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.I was uninformed and confused about my condition,I picked up this book because it had rave reviews.In short,I still feel uninformed and this book confused me more!