Even though this book has to offer great insight, I was extremely disappointed of how sexist it appeared to be. They should have thought about their female readers when they wrote this book. Disappointing.

another extraordinary read, I recommend That's How the Light Gets In: Memoir of a Psychiatrist by Susan Rako, M.D. The title comes from a song by Leonard Cohen: "There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Rako's book is remarkably candid, fascinating, insightful, and wonderfully well-written. It's a great read. The writing just flows.

The book starts out strong with biological explanations for why we become sad or depressed when separated from those we love. The authors provide examples of this despair occuring in most mammals and explain in great detail the areas of our brain that coincide to create attachments. But then the book takes a different turn and focuses on how to grow children who are emotionally strong and healthy. I was still looking for insight into how to foster emotional health in adults. Still a worthwhile read with fascinating examples and facts.

What I hate most about reading about an author's love philosophy is that usually it's full of mushy gushy stories about destiny and true love. This book is completely different. It may seem a bit dry in comparison, but what it lacks in storytelling it makes up for in scientific scrutiny of the human mind and our brain's capacity for love. I read this book several years ago, and what still stands out in my mind was the contrast between the brain of a chicken and the brain of a dog (or maybe it was a cat). A chicken's brain doesn't have the physical capacity for love and you can see that in their eyes. But when you look into the eyes of your pup isn't that love looking back at you?

What I hate most about reading about an author's love philosophy is that usually it's full of mushy gushy stories about destiny and true love. This book is completely different. It may seem a bit dry in comparison, but what it lacks in storytelling it makes up for in scientific scrutiny of the human mind and our brain's capacity for love. I read this book several years ago, and what still stands out in my mind was the contrast between the brain of a chicken and the brain of a dog (or maybe it was a cat). A chicken's brain doesn't have the physical capacity for love and you can see that in their eyes. But when you look into the eyes of your pup isn't that love looking back at you?

Just what the doctor ordered. Written with with a poet's flourish this well-researched book is an easy read of a complex subject. Definitely a new way of looking at the most talked about yet least understood subject - Love!

It was an interesting approach to characterize love scientifically. The book has many clear insights although sometimes it feels like they are making stretches to get to their points.

Aside from that, this is an incredible read that points us in the right direction to living a more healthy and fulfilling life.

The eloquence and clarity with which Lewis, Amini, & Lannon present their general theory of love is almost as impressive as their dexterity in reducing something as elusive as love into a readable 230 pages. The authors initiate their discussion by describing the evolution of the human brain and the "brains" that comprise it: the reptilian brain, the limbic brain, and the neocortical brain, wherein the first is the most archaic of the three brains and is responsible for our vital, non-voluntary functions, the second allows for subtle and elaborate interactions with others, and the third orchestrates our conscience existence and the activities therein. The authors then dovetail into a discussion about memory and reason --- necessary precursors to a respectable discussion of love and its implications in our personal lives. The crux of the book -- and most engaging section, no less -- is ushered in with the declaration, "Who we are and who we become depends, in part, on whom we love" (pp.144). The authors note, however, that the aforementioned love distinctly differs from being 'in love', that is, the "potent feeling that the other fits in a way that no one has before or will again, [along with] an irresistible desire for skin-to-skin proximity, [as well as] a delirious urge to disregard all else" (pp.206). True love, however, "derives from intimacy, the prolonged and detailed surveillance of a foreign soul" (pp.207). Most importantly, however, the authors pointedly declare that "love cannot be extracted, commanded, demanded, or wheedled. It can only be given" (pp.209) -- a revelation that (rightly) punctuates "A General Theory of Love".

I think that this book should be read not only by parents, but also by all the professionals who work with hurt or sick people and in particular by doctors and therapists.
The book is very well written combining science and poetic expression. I think this is the field that deserves so much more research, training and general awareness. We deal with consequences of "poor loving" all the time not only in our professional life (I am a doctor) but in our relationships, friendships, on our roads, service industry, our streets, schools.
This book also uses science and anthropology rather than just an opinion and experience to explain human emotional reactions and experience of love in it's universal form rather than just romantic and to remind us of consequences related to ignoring this essential part of our human existence.
It is an excellent book, but I would agree that not enough was done to develop the idea of self-regulation and treatment options outside the role of therapy. I expected this to be developed in the chapter "Between stone and sky, what can be done to heal hearts gone astray", but it did not live up to that expectation and if the authors were to write another edition to this book this would be the chapter to add to and really develop.
I also have bought extra copies as gifts for a few of my friends who work as therapists.
I would also like to add that there are so many boring books out there in the popular psychology addressing this important subject, but done so poorly and with no depth whatsoever. I am glad that someone from the scientific community bothered to actually write a book of this standard on this important subject and hope that there are more such books in the future ( the authors are encouraged to write and publish more in the future).

I wish to sound a note of caution about this book in my review. I found this to be a most valuable (and heartwarming!) book. For me the authors (maybe Dr. Lewis actually wrote the book?) did a beautiful job of explaining the evolutionary advantages attained by mammals with their limbic brain, gaining the ability to obtain information about the internal emotional state of other mammals. On the other hand, perhaps the authors *overemphasized* the advantages of gaining the ability to influence each other's emotional states, while not examining many disadvantages. Although probably required for the optimum of healthy individual development, a group could synchronize internal states, producing a mutual sense of well-being, and, without some other internal anchor, drift inexorably over a cliff while doing so. The mutual influences which led to the 1978 Jonestown suicide/massacre, or to the rise of Nazism in the 1930's and 1940's, are examples of this, I think. The development, in individuals, of characteristics not ultimately well suited to coping with reality, due to the influences of likewise-unhealthy parents, peers, society, or therapists, is one more example. (The authors do admit the existence of bad therapists.) The book's exposition of mutual influence also goes to explain *these* outcomes.

The authors may emphasize a bit too exclusively the unconditional love that a mother needs to provide in the earliest parts of childhood, and not quite enough the disciplined love that teaches a child the necessity of taking external *reality* into account also -- a role traditionally thought of as being the father's. Perhaps with this instruction the neo-cortex helps the organism to create or improve another anchor, different from the one of emotional satisfaction, and in doing so to gain increased mastery of external and internal realities. This is not emphasized in the book. Of course, the possessor of the neo-cortex has his own resultant problems. I think both elements are needed to culminate in a healthy adult.

For adults without a favorable childhood, therapy may be highly beneficial. But in chapter 8 of the book, the authors state "...a therapy's results are particular to *that* relationship. A patient doesn't become generically healthier; he becomes more like the therapist... The person of the therapist will determine the shape of the new world a patient is bound for; the configuration of *his* Attractors fixes those of the other." Is that what we desire -- a crop of therapist clones? I presume they would be modeled after the authors... *I* would rather have a therapist with a strong enough Attractor of his own, and a secure enough network of support, so that he could allow the patient to become *herself*, not necessarily a close reproduction of the therapist. And although I agree that time is needed to heal pre-existing damage, I am not sure that three to five years is required. The amount of healing that takes place depends also on how much reassurance is successfully given in the time which is spent on it.

I see the three therapists (and their publishers) as possibly being examples of a group that reached a state of considerable mutual grooming satisfaction. They included me in that group. Maybe that is not all that is required to bring other people to emotional health.

Note: do not overlook the Notes and Bibliography at the end of the book.

Very clear, concise, easy to read, a quick read, but not shallow. A great book for exploring this most peculiarly mammalian emotion and its enormous impact upon our daily lives, and for helping us envision how that emotion came to be embodied physically in mammals.

This is a terrific book, and they cover a lot of ground, add to the paradigm through their synthesis of the available science. I had hoped to see more about the possibilities suggested by the idea of limbic reshaping; these guys are psychiatrists, so naturally their point of view suggests that it is the psychiatrists who are the ones to do this.

But what about the internal intersections? Is there no pathway or intersection between the 3 sections of the brain? The authors seem to suggest that there is - but there is no discussion about this internal traffic, no suggestion of any observation of it or its effects.

Other research on the plasticity of the brain suggests that it can change itself. Meditators have been claiming the ability, and there is data to support them. What about the spiritual realm, the realm of religion, or faith? The very idea of faith, the idea of a love of the abstraction of God, has been observed to have a profound effect in the human heart, spirit and mind... if they can observe this though brain imaging, and measure its effects in meaningful physiological ways, wouldn't it seem that there is the opportunity for a whole new science of self-healing?

Maybe in the next book...

Everyone who has kids, who is thinking of having kids, or has any interest in the psycological impact of parents should read this book. It is wonderful! I have bought extras for many people!

This book does a convincing job in explaining how the differences between the logic and limbic areas of our brains are at the core of so many of our human struggles. Finally, there's an explanation for those situations where emotions somehow mysteriously win over seemingly crystal clear logic. Bridging the gap between the head and the heart, this book shows how the human-to-human processes of limbic resonance, regulation, and revision change both the structure of our brain and essence of our being.

Great book! Love and science finally erxplained with eachother in a humanistic fashion.

One of the best books I've ever read. Gave it to all three of my grown children, and recommend it to all who will listen. Succeeded in purchasing one of the out of print hard bound copies, and keep it on my bedside table. Thanks for having enough for sale to supply my demand.

This fascinating book combines a poetic appreciation of the mysteries of love with a solidly researched understanding of why our bodies and brains behave as they do. The most absorbing chapter in this book is about "limbic regulation", the mutual process by which two bodies regulate each other's physiological processes. "Stability means finding people who regulate you well and staying near them," the authors write. Read this book to understand why love and attachment don't just feel good, they're actually vital to health and survival. You'll never think of love the same way again after you read this book.

I came across a reference to this book while reading 'If I live to be 100' (a nice read but nothing like this). Very interesting subject and well written. Not a light read as the title might suggest. I rank this with 'The Hidden messages in Water' as far as a very iinteresting, thought provoking book.

I came across a reference to this book while reading 'If I live to be 100' (a nice read but nothing like this). Very interesting subject and well written. Not a light read as the title might suggest. I rank this with 'The Hidden messages in Water' as far as a very iinteresting, thought provoking book.

Very interesting book. Written in very intelligent and sophisticated language by professionals for anybody who is interested in understanding this world and more specific ourselves. Although written in total denial of Reality of G-d and complete endorsement of Darwin evolution theory, book is worthy to be red even by religious and spiritual people. If you put aside all the false premises and digest only facts and final result, the book can be very useful to realize what people should do in order to raise happy individuals. Last 70 pages or so, I could not stop reading it, phenomenal convergence of science and religion (without mentioning religious values at all), looks like both agree on what human being should concentrate their efforts on: Love and happiness.

I was given this book for Christmas and wandered through it in the hope there might be something new of interest. Instead, the authors reviewed Freud's largely discredited theories, moved on to behaviorists, and then settled on attachment behavior as the basis for all human development. The discussion of the evolution of the limbic brain and our attraction/avoidance to the non-limbic reptiles was interesting, although it left out birds on the evolutionary chain. Also, the most interesting parts of the limbic brain were left unexplored. The effect of hormones, neurotransmitters, the role of cortisol in stress reactions, and much more was completely abandoned. Even in 2000, early PET scans of brain activity were aavailable and more could have been made of these results.
Don't select this book if you have a medical background of any kind, or if you are a woman. In either case you will be frustrated or angered by the narrow approach taken here. Incidentally, did you know fathers bear no responsibility for anything?

I was given this book for Christmas and wandered through it in the hope there might be something new of interest. Instead, the authors reviewed Freud's largely discredited theories, moved on to behaviorists, and then settled on attachment behavior as the basis for all human development. The discussion of the evolution of the limbic brain and our attraction/avoidance to the non-limbic reptiles was interesting, although it left out birds on the evolutionary chain. Also, the most interesting parts of the limbic brain were left unexplored. The effect of hormones, neurotransmitters, the role of cortisol in stress reactions, and much more was completely abandoned. Even in 2000, early PET scans of brain activity were aavailable and more could have been made of these results.
Don't select this book if you have a medical background of any kind, or if you are a woman. In either case you will be frustrated or angered by the narrow approach taken here. Incidentally, did you know fathers bear no responsibility for anything?

Really useful information about how the different parts of our brains work together and against each other. The fact that they are still evolving causes emotional and psychological problems we encounter. Excellent reading for anyone who wants to do some real soul searching.

There! I've spilled the beans. Now you know. But the journey these authors, all psychiatrists, take is a trip fantastic through not only neuroscience but through all the wisdom about loving attachment to other humans, nay, all mammals (a limbic system, not just mammary glands, hair, warm body temperature is our hallmark) so that we grasp why we must understand its power and necessity in our lives.

We are imbued with the ethos of the intellect as humanity's greatest gift. Parenthetically, we act (witness our wars and crime) as reptiles all too often.

It is, nonetheless the learning that takes place without our even knowing it that gives us real power and emotional health.

If you are really into reading up on the brain you will find hardly enough references to 'cerebral cortex' or 'amygdala' to keep you happy. The illustrations of brain structures are minimal. This is a book for English majors. But that's a good thing because, overall, this is a book about the forest, not the trees.

The writing style is refreshing. One feels the authors care about including one in the secrets of their arcane craft. Language can draw us in or exclude us. Theirs is inclusive.

Unless one needs to be very gently led into and out of a technical subject, one can dispense with the first and last chapters, reading them last, perhaps. I liked chapters eight and nine. But all the preceeding chapters up to the first are also vital in fleshing in the body of affection and affiliation. The word LOVE has been so misused, bowdlerized and misunderstood that some other concatenation of terms may serve better.

But be not mistaken, we all know what it is. All of us with healthy limbic systems and no other pathologies, that is. There are those who can't love. There are those who don't want to be touched. Who don't want to hear endearments. Some were born that way, some were made to be that way due to their early experiences. Yes, Virginia, I had a rotten childhood and that's why I'm on death row, says the apologetic criminal.

This is a book everyone interested in the totality of human love should read. Love poetry, love novels, love drama and even one's own love experiences are not enough to understand this greatest gift and greatest necessity (the book details how we are crippled without it) for a successful life (success, by the way, is not synonymous with wealth). A cocker spaniel bitch who raises her puppies right is a success. How can we do less?

I like the last part of the last paragraph of the preface: "... the shaping power of parental devotion, the biological reality of romance, the healing force of communal connection - argues for love. Turn the page and the arrow is loosed. The heart it seeks is your own."

This is a wonderful treatise by erudite and interesting authors. It is filled with intelligence and inspiration. The science is at times challenging for non-scientists, but I'd encourage people ot just go slower and enjoy the trip. There is no more fascinating subject that brain development, and this book really explores some fascinating dimensions of it.

I have used the knowledge gained from this book repeatedly in my coaching practice, as I help people unlearn sabotaging strategies, and start doing things that work. When you read this book, you will understand why we are the way we are, why we do what we do, why we get stuck, and why we do self-defeating things -- our choice of 'love,' and love partner being just two incidents of this. More importantly, you will learn how you can change. Written by 3 psychiatrists, one of whom writes like a poet, the book is easy to understand, not overly academic, and beautifully written -- lyrical at times. I loved the poetry and quotations and the heart and soul of the book. You'll learn more about your emotions, and, since we are our emotions, what's more important to know about? I reommend this book highly.

Today I have decided to wean myself off caffeine for a few reasons. One, I have bone loss at 26 and caffeine encourages more. Two, my husband and I are talking about starting a family and I do not want to be on caffeine when I get pregnant. He bought me this book called "The Truth About Caffeine" by Marina Kushner. The book describes many problems about caffeine I did not know. Three, only one vise at a time and I need to stop smoking after this is over! I'll start .... as soon as I finish this can of soda....

The language is so fluent that once started, I couldn't stop reading on.

This book by three San Francisco psychiatists is unique and sheds light on one of life's greatest mysteries in an eloquent and easy to read fashion. It makes some very difficult scientific concepts accessible to people without specialized knowledge in neurology or psychology.

The authors do a good job of balancing the insights of science with the interpretation necessary to understand subjective experience. While the book is speculative in some ways, it is intelligently and appropriately speculative.

This book was difficult to put down because it brings together an understanding of attachment theory, brain research and striking analogies to come up with a scientifically plausible explanation of love. The real achievement here is not dehumanizing the experience of love in the process of writing about it from within a scientific paradigm. However, I think they are a little hard on Freud and the psychoanalytical field. While Freud wasn't perfect, he had a lot of great insights for someone of his time. At times, I found the authors dismissive of some of the work in this area without presenting compelling arguments appropriate to the strength of their statements.

I particularly liked the way this book talked about implicit memory and how this plays a role in love without us being conscious of the process. This helps explain why the head and the heart are often at odds.

Another unusual aspect of this book is how well written it is. It's difficult to put down and does not come across as overly technical or mechanical. It is juicy... so to speak! In other words, it lacks the sterility of some of the books written by highly technical people about thier own fields.

While I don't think these authors unlocked the ultimate secret of love, they certainly raised the right questions and helped move our understanding forward in this area. This is a good book for anyone who wants to understand love at a deeper level. I recommend it highly!

As a couple therapist, I thoroughly enjoyed this book because it does an excellent job of compiling much of the latest research on the brain, attachment theory and relationships and helps us to understand why we behave the way we do in relationships. It also challenges us to do better and guides us on we can pay more attention to nurturing love in our lives. This is a must read for anyone working with couples.

People of all ages will find the straight forward readable book full of valuable information about how our brains have us feel what we do and relate as we do. Learning how we work as we do neuroligically will help us to recognise our own patterns and be able to live with our responses and reactions more comfortably and more successfully.

Part advanced science presentation, part advocacy for the return of love and genuine caring to the raising of children from birth, part fierce and reasoned assault on modern American medicine, culturally approved parental child-rearing delegation, and the inappropriate and potentially harmful elevation of pharmaceutical fix as a patch for damaged psyches. This extraordinary book, written by three psychiatrists, who care deeply about love and truly healthy human beings, and are saddened by its inferior status in the pantheon of American cultural values, give us an important book that ultimately questions some of our most cherished values and beliefs about what constitutes `the good life', and, perhaps most especially, how do we care for and develop that most important, but woefully neglected, natural resource-children.
I loved this book, and have learned so much from it, both for my own personal use, simply for the knowledge and wisdom it imparts, and for what it can teach all of us about the value of love for individuals and for society.
Disseminating recent scientific discoveries (as well as debunking many old accepted scientific beliefs) about the biological basis of love, and presenting love and its attendant qualities and manifestations as the most significant difference between the reptilian brain and the mammalian one. These three thoughtful and passionate men explain the ramifications and importance of the development of the mammalian brain, and its superiority to a truly successful human life because the heartbeat of love resides within its neuronal pathways. (They go so far as to argue that because the presence of a healthy appreciation for and proper education about love, that the mammalian brain is more important than the cognitive brain.)
I recommend this book to those of you interested in the science of brain development, and recent discoveries about the brain and its evolution. Readers interested in a biologic basis of love, and what the authors forcefully argue as the most important quality a child, and therefore, an adult can learn during the earliest years of life when most permanent psychological and emotional learning are imprinted within the human brain, will eat up the material presented in this treatise.
I could go on writing about this book, and my enthusiasm for it, but moving to some final words, the authors, in the first thorough explanation I've read, argue for the value of psychological/psychiatric and emotional therapy, and not the several weeks' kind most offered by the misdirected and economics-focused health care system in this country. They do not promote any specific technique, but state unequivocally the importance of finding the right type of therapy.
There is so much packed into its 230 pages.
I will read this book, at least once again. I hope as many people as possible learn from its wisdom, at least for the sake of our children, who are our future.

What is love? The authors take a hard-science look at the biological and evolutionary basis for love. But they also use poetry to bring home the point that words and rational thinking can never fully capture the reality of love. Nevertheless, it is revealing to understand how the human brain is organized and how unlearning a behavior is more difficult than learning it.

When discussing love, they start with the love a mother has for her child. This attachment, they explain, is critical for the survival of the species. Relationships not only feel good, they argue, but are necessary for good health and even survival. In later life, we will be attracted to and bond with people whose brain structure matches a prototype we develop during childhood. If this prototype is unhealthy, we might find ourselves continually drawn to people who mistreat or abuse us. But the ideal case is that we have a healthy prototype for a mate, and that when we find each other everything clicks in a harmonious and satisfying way.

The authors spend some time tearing into Freud with passion. Without any scientific knowledge of how our brain is structured or functions, Freud created the school of psychotherapy that is full of misconceptions and bad ideas. They give him credit for attempting a scientific exploration of emotions and emotional problems, but blame him for inventing explanations from little or no evidence.

One topic not discussed is the need many of us feel to get away from people from time to time. They describe in detail the need for relationships and attachment, but don't even consider the possibility that at least some us sometime crave time alone. Likewise, no discussion was made of the need felt by teenage children to separate from their parents.

But in total, this was a very readable and credible case for a theory of love.

Being a medical doctor, I was excited to read A Theory of Love by three M.D.s! This book gives a great overview of development of our brain related to our very early environment and contact with other humans and does so in a very non-pretentious fashion. The importance of providing a loving environment for our children is shown in terms of neuroanatomical development and while it may be somewhat over the heads of some non-medical readers, it is no more so than the movie"What the Bleep Do We Know?" I think this book is a must for anyone with even a passing interest in the psychological makeup of ourselves and fellow beings. It will help everyone to have a better understanding of ...this Thing Called Love.

Lewis and his colleagues have presented a generally accurate review of the function of the limbic system in social attachment, applying it to an emotion that the human species has defined as "love", as if love does not exist in other mammals - although I think they make it clear that it does.

The writing style is elegant, nuanced, clever and metaphorical, probably better suited to a Steinbeck novel than to a lay treatise on neuroscience. It's the first book in a long time where I had to go to the dictionary for a few words. That said, their emphasis on the critical importance of maternal/infant attachment as the basic requirement for personality development and the ultimate ability to love is right on the mark.
Their despair over the subjugation of this instinctual bond by the emerging tenets of American society addresses an issue of monumental importance to 21st century American culture. They might have addressed the disturbing epidemic of ADD, autism, bipolar disorder, attachment disorder, violence and depression in our under-10 children as an expression of our society's abandonment of our infants through current childbirth techniques, maternal/neonatal separation, decline of breast feeding and daycare under the age of 12 months. All in all, this is a critically important book that should be required reading for us and especially the leaders of our institutions.

This book is thought provoking, with an entirely new approach to the subject matter. It provides a provocative mixture of scientific study and humane interpretation.

Masterfully written. It will be seen as a milestone in our understanding of the true nature of the behaviour we call love.
It should be read by every parent and every couple and every pair in a relationship without fail. It was, obviously and literally, a labor of love. We are lucky to be blessed with knowledgeable professionals like the authors who have given so much of themselves to this outstanding book.

I've found in this book a language, structure, and paradigm for understanding the core essense of the human experience. It ranks among the most influential books I've ever read. It clearly explains how patterns are formed in the brain and how those patterns affect our lives. Particularly fascinating were the sections that describe "limbic resonance" - the process through which humans influence (and re-wire) each other. It would be nice to understand more clearly how this works, but, the book's introduction to this process is nonetheless tantalizing. I was most struck by the author's conclusion that one of our most important jobs in life is to find people with whom we can share positive limbic resonance; in effect, finding people with a healthy brain structure who can influence us in healthy ways, and to recognize and avoid the dangerous temptation to connect with those who may possess the similar flaws and would therefore influence us in negative ways which might feel good because they are familiar. As numerous other reviewers have noted, the writing style is sublime. A concern about this book is the overwhelmingly depressing and fatalistic perspective it puts forth. Most of the book is devoted to the development of theories which explain the causes of thought patterns in the brain which lead to unhealthy psychological experience in life. Hardly any attention is given to a prescriptive solution through which one might work to overcome those patterns except for a brief mention of the need for therapy - a suggestion whose utility is undercut by the book's own development of the numerous failings of many forms of therapy due to faulty paradigms (Freud) or incompetent therapists. This truly wonderful book would be that much better if the author were to devote as much effort to exploring solutions as he devotes to explaining the problems. In particular, it would be fascinating to learn how practices such as meditation and yoga interact with the dynamics explained in this book.

I really liked this book, but I think it's much more of a cognitive and developmental psychology survey than a well tied together theory of love.

I find the author(s)'s use of overly complex words and metaphors excessive. I am a fan of simple and clean writing... you can easily convey a idea without using $50 words in every sentence.

My biggest pet peeve is that there were ancillary information (not really necessary to the context of the book) that is either poorly explained or out right wrong.

But overall if you can overlook these little minor annoyances, the book is really very interesting.

These three authors use creative literary style and scientific research to argue for the great importance and influence of the brain upon the nature and expression of love. The book is written for a general but scholarly audience. Our brains link us with those people to whom we love and as a consequence who we are, and who we become depends in great part on whom we love. It is the body's physiology that ensures our relationships and identities.

The authors lament that from the beginning of the 20th century to its end, the most influential accounts of love rarely, if ever, mentioned biology. Although the authors point to important links between physiology and love, they do not claim to have solved all of the mysteries of love. This book's thesis or agenda is described well when the authors asked this question: "What can the structure and design of the brain tell us about the nature of love?" (18)

One of the main theses of the book is that understanding love begins with understanding feelings rather than the reason. "Emotion is the messenger of love; it is the vehicle that carries every signal from one brimming heart to another" (37).

The authors document well the profound effects that various regions of the mind have upon human behavior. For instance, the authors note that patients who have lost the hippocampi bear witness to the memory aspect of this region of the brain, because no explicit memories can be created without a hippocampus.

The authors note the profound importance of relationships. "The astounding legacy of our combined status as mammals and neural beings is limbic revision: the power to remodel the emotional parts of the people we love, as our attractors activate certain limbic pathways, and the brain's inexorable memory mechanism reinforces them" (144). However, the neurostructures responsible for emotional lives are not infinitely adaptable in relationship.

The book concludes with these words: "The adventure of seeking a theory of love is far from over. While science can afford a closer glimpse of this tower or that soaring wall, the heart's castle still hangs high in the heavens, shrouded in scudding clouds and obscured by mist. Will science ever announce the complete revelation of all love's secrets? Will empiricism ever trace an unbroken path from the highest stone to the heart's castle down to the bedrock of certitude? Of course not! We demand too much if we expect single-handed empiricism to define and lay bare the human soul" (230).

Thomas Jay Oord

Somehow the authors manage to supply numerous factual inaccuracies from a number of fields. Badly misrepresents ethology (mammals are loving, family-oriented -- does not indicate that the paradigmatic mammal relationship is only mother-juvenile, ending abruptly at amturity, w/ no father in sight, & sociality in herds, etc.; psychology and attachment theory (distorts Winnicott's complex relationship with Bowlby, by misused, out-of-context quote; Freud's neutrality theory (which the authors describe as advocating "coldness"), and on and on. Finally, the authors conclude that Americans are too materialistic. Shocking. On the whole, a shallow, inaccurate, and surprisingly mean-spirited treatment of the topic.

This book has some good qualities along with some major flaws. First I should say that it is beautifully written in a style which is almost like a poetic kind of prose. I am a clinical psychologist, and I like the fact that the authors are psychiatrists who are obviously oriented to psychotherapy something that is not so common these days. There is also a nice humanistic quality to this book and the overall theory of love with its evolutionary perspective I found interesting and relevant. As for flaws I see two major ones: an apparent lack of awareness of the history of psychotherapy and a lack of knowledge about treatment outcome research. They present a relationship oriented approach to psychotherapy which in practice sounds almost identical to that of Carl Rogers who emphasized the importance of therapist empathy and believed that the therapeutic relationship itself was the curative factor in psychotherapy. Rogers began formulating his views in the 1940's and ultimately became one of the most influential figures in the history of psychotherapy. Yet amazingly Carl Rogers is not mentioned even once in this book! In addition they fail to mention family systems approaches which view family attachments as the key determinant of human emotional life and also of mental disorders. They also seem to echo one of the key trends in psychotherapy from the 1960's when many of the experiential therapies claimed that most insight was too intellectual and sterile and only emotional experience was seen as therapeutic, a somewhat outdated view. The authors then state that only relationship quality and not therapeutic orientation makes any difference and only long-term therapy can be effective. As someone who specializes in anxiety disorders I know this to be completely inaccurate. There are countless treatment outcome studies done at top universities and medical schools with cognitive-behavior therapy of anxiety disorders with success rates as high as over 90% with short-term therapy. There is no one suffering from agoraphobia or a specific phobia who is going to overcome these problems simply by establishing a good relationship with a therapist even if they come for five years. Exposure therapy is absolutely essential. These results are irrefutable, occur in short-term therapy, and only within the specific modality of cognitive-behavior therapy. This is in complete contradiction to the statements made by the authors and show an unacceptable lack of awareness or selective inattention to the current scientific literature in psychotherapy. My advice for most people is that if a therapist says that therapy will take three to five years explore the possibility of seeing another therapist. The authors also seem to make the assumption that all problems are relationship problems which is not always the case. Some problems are the result of simple classical conditioning such as many anxiety disorders. I also have trouble with the biological rationale offered by these authors for their treatment. If mammals all have a similar limbic brain then why don't we find the same mental disorders in animals as we do in humans? Do dogs suffer from agoraphobia or dissociative disorders? They completely neglect the role of higher human functions which give us the ability to reason, to see a future and a past, and the capacity for language as if these play no role in human emotions and emotional disturbance. So there are some significant problems with this book, but it does have some good points and I think is worth the read.

The author's theory of limbic resonance correlates very accurately with reality. As any good theory on human emotion should, it accurately explains why we love who we love and why we are who we are. For years and years I argued with countless intellectuals who said there was no such thing as "Spark". This book not only provided me with a realistic explanation of my own emotional makeup and attraction certain woman (through spark), but gives me a way to examine spark and change it if I so desire.

It's not a book for everyone, since the first four or five chapters are a bit slow and technical, but if you get bogged down, skip to Hebbian learning (the fundamentals behind artificial intelligence in computers) in chapter six and you'll be suddenly and completely enthralled. The way it ties our mind together as a logical group of thinking units and then ties this back to the way we love is fantastic. Get the book, read it, you'll learn a lot. I guarantee it.

I am not a scholar, doctor, or 'evolutionary biologist' like some of these other reviewers but I am a person dealing with anxiety and depression for over 15 years. I thought this book was extremely well written, even poetic, but certainly not 'precious'. The reviewers who have a problem with this book don't seem to get it -- they are once again trying to intellectualize something that they should be trying instead to open their hearts to. If you think that's precious, that's seriously your problem. God forbid people, especially 'doctors' talk about love...which again, is the point -- not many talk (or teach) about it. This book is trying to tell you something -- just listen!! Gloria Steinem said "the only long term solution to humanity's problems is to change the way we raise our children." Yes! That's it. That's all you have to get...you don't have to be pretentious, argue, or resist. Simply realize that our children need authentic love to realize their potential. It's not blaming single, working mothers and to think so is being short-sighted. And as far as feeling hopeless about having anxiety, depression, or whatever -- you know what? ...it is difficult. Medication can help. Therapy can help. But it's a disorder that one has to cope with it and understanding the reality of it is important....and if you don't have it (lucky you) or don't work as a therapist, or are not capable of empathizing than you can't possibly understand. It sucks, I don't want it, but I deal. And I know how very important it is to love your children, really love them and let them know it everyday. Thank you for writing this book.

I found this book a mostly quite well written review of evidence that we are fundamentally social beings, that early traumatic social experiences are not simply generative of a "software" problem for the brain but alter the 'hardware' in fundamental and maladaptive ways, and that we need to re-examine both some very old wisdom on these issues, and evidence from newer neuroscience about our basic social nature.

The general argument advanced in the volume is certainly an old one, but marshals much depth of evidence, that in the end all we have are our connections to loved and valued people, places, and endeavors, that very little else matters, and that events in our lives in general matter to the extent that they tap into this primary source of value.

What I find most puzzling and frankly somewhat disturbing is the level of antipathy to these basic and very old ideas among the reviews of this book on this web site. People seem very disturbed by the notion that both very painful and very comforting childhood experience stays with us for the rest of our lives, that we are not and cannot be particularly happy if we are profoundly isolated, and that cognitive development takes place within a social matrix. Although questions were raised in some of the reviews about evidentiary issues, the tone of many of the negative reviews suggests to me that some of the reviewers did not believe that early attachment experience colors our development in profound and oftentimes invisible ways, simply because it is so hard to get outside our own heads when it comes to primary emotions. Anyone with a modicum of emotional commonsense, I hope anyway, would find such assertions consistent with some very basic human limitations, and the book in general certainly presents evidence for a bedrock of basic human needs that people within mental health fields, neuroscience, as well as other disciplines would do well to review and absorb.

Some reviewers appear to disagree with these basic assertions. I do not. It is troubling that such an effort to outline those needs, however imperfectly sketched, might create such an antipathy for any reader.

As a readable summary of the current science of how the brain works and the importance of emotional development this book is excellent. Unfortunately the authors go from science to informed opinion to outright speculation and near hysteria about society's neglect of emotional development. The book loses some credibility at this point.
It is easy to know where the authors stray from science to opinion, when they stop referencing history or scientific studies supporting their claims they have entered the opinion zone. For example the author's dedicate a chapter to their views on how therapy should work. While they certainly have informed opinions and their ideas seem credible, there are other informed opinions on the subject that can also be presented in a credible fashion. Has anyone conducted a study contrasting the effectiveness of different approaches to therapy? If not, then all the contrasting opinions remain just opinions.
The authors also devote a lot of attention to the need for proper mother-child bonding for emotional development. No one will argue with their view that proper parenting is essential for the development of a child's emotional health, or limbic development as it is described in this book. The authors then reference a number of recent cases of children committing appalling crimes, beginning with the Columbine High School murder, and imply that "limbic defects" are the cause. However they did not give any evidence that the two students who went on the murder and suicide spree at Columbine had experienced any kind of neglect or trauma that would lead to the improper limbic development they fretted about. While I believe there are studies that indicate that a neglected childhood increases the probability of anti-social behaviour, the authors provide no evidence that parental neglect contributed to any of the crimes they cited. If such evidence exists it should have been referenced.
The authors also state "In a culture gone shallow, .... photogenicity trumps leadership; glibness overpowers integrity; sound bites replace discourse; and changing what is fades before the busy label-swapping of political correctness." Let me get this straight; as a society we want simple solutions and feel-good politics because of we were not raised to achieve proper emotional health? I thought it was because we are mentally lazy; simple answers require no thought. However if the authors were to cite a study correlating emotional health with a willingness to research important policy issues and engage in intelligent political debate, or simply to a willingness to balance one's checkbook without the assistance of a calculator, I would believe that limbic health is related to awillingness to think. In the absence of such evidence, I believe that blaming society's superficial aspects on improper limbic development is an unsupportable stretch.
Finally, I don't think we are as bad off as this book claims. One of the studies referenced correlated the emotional development of baby rhesus monkeys to the amount of time they were left unattended while their mothers searched for food. Just as mother rhesus monkeys would have to balance food and nurture, so have parents through the ages had to balance caring for their children with the needs of survival. And somehow in spite of the compromises parents have had to make people and rhesus monkeys have managed to get by. So don't panic if as a baby you were bottle fed and not breast fed, and slept in a crib instead of with you mother. Maybe most of us are not as emotionally fragile as the authors fear.

This is such an important book. I'm not sure why it has recieved relatively little attention, as it seems groundbreaking to me. Not that most ideas in this book do not have their origins in someone else's work, but the particular synthesis this book makes of the material is breathtaking. The writing has been accused of being "precious" and I understand the accusation. It does become too ornate occasionally, but on the whole it is gorgeous. A nearly perfect work.

If you're unemployed and didn't grow up in an ideal environment stay far, far away from this book. On the other hand, if you're looking for hard data to support an arguement to stay home with your baby, this is it.

There's so much good information in this book that it's a shame that it leads to a conclusion where serious and permenant damage to children and society in general seems blamed on the working mom. Read thouroughly, it's hard documentation about how environment affects neural development. However this could easily be quoted dangerously and could turn the tide on what little progress women have made since the 50's.

I'd like to believe that the brain develops throughout a lifetime. With this book, it's as if there's a brain 'ideal' that if not achieved through effective bonding, leaves a person socialy handicapped for life. I'd recomend this to professionals who can apply the findings from the extensive studies to counsel their patients. For the average person trying to gain a better understanding of what makes them tick, consider "A User's Guide to the Brain" instead. It focuses more on understanding neurology in a positive manner that offers hope.

I am a social worker and not a research scientist or from academia. However, I am fascinated by our new understanding of how our relationship to ourselves and attachment to others is affected by how our brain has been wired. The author's information here seems to support similar theories I have read in such as books as "Symphony in the Brain" and "Change your Brain Change your Life." Recent discoveries indicate the brain is more plastic than rigidly set. This opens up so many fascinating therapies, beyond just insight therapy and shotgun drug intervention, using very specific chemical and electrical interactions of our brain to restructure it. I do not always agree with some of their more cynical conclusions on human change. I do believe they do offer a clear and lyrically written concept that will help you to understand yourself and others better. The writing and quotations are spectacular. Be prepared to read words that you may never have used, so keep a dictionary near. If you are a psychotherapist or worked with a good one then the chapter, Between Stone and Sky, will reveal that lyrical dance between patient and practitioner exquistely.

I'm an emotional intelligence coach, that is, I teach people how to understand and manage their emotions and those of others for better living and feeling better, and this book has probably advanced my understanding more than any book I've read in the past 5 years. I think it will be a landmark book and don't know why I don't hear about it more. It provides a solid understanding of the what's and why's of LOVE, and a good number of other things. Like why we need one another ... why isolation is so bad for us ... why we can't talk ourselves out of anger or make ourselves love someone when we don't ... why coaching works while reading self-help books doesn't! If you're seriously interesting in finding out what makes you -- and the rest of us -- tick, read this book. And whoever wrote it, writes like a poet. An absolute lyrical gem and a treat for both the limbic brain and the neocortex, I might add!

For a tri-authored book, this is remarkably clear, eloquent and thoroughly engrossing. Drawing on the latest scientific discoveries and 70 years of collective clinical experience, plus a host of literary references, three psychiatrists posit that a primordial area of the brain, far older than reason or thinking, aka the lymbic system, creates both the capacity and the need for emotional intimacy that all humans share. In short, our brains link with those of the people closest to us, and establish wordless, powerful ties that determine our moods, stabilize and maintain our health and well-being, and change the wiring of our brains. It also means that better relationships can be cultivated to rewire negative structures. It makes total absolute sense. It FEELS right. Who we are and who we become depend, in great part, on whom we love. At least the authors have convinced me of this.